January 12, 2010
Ok it has now a new year and a new beginning since I wrote, much has happened. At the end of October I found out I was pregnant by surprise. Also in October we got licensed to foster to adopt. I was in a whirlwind of emotions. Like all my pregnancies I don’t feel prego so I didn’t believe it. In November I went and had a blood test confirming the pregnancy. I was still in denial. Steve heard me say my jeans still fit, I am not as tired as I should be, so I must have miscarried like angel and Keith. On Nov 24, I went in for my first ultrasound and saw this adorable little heartbeat just a pounding away. My heart was sold (again). Because I’m aging, I opted to have all genetic testing done. At ten weeks, I had another u/s to measure the nuchal cord for Downs and Trisomy 18. This came back normal. All blood work came back normal. Ironically, all this was normal with Keith. Although the Genetic counselor did tell me something that I was never aware with until this pregnancy. That my placenta tested positive, my hormone levels were even better in this pregnancy (than previous), the only thing that ever tested abnormal was the fetus (Keith) and that was on the AFP done at 15 weeks. I told just a handful of people, (some close friends, my parents, and Sara) no one else knows. I felt it would be easier to tell people at my age I lost a pregnancy than to say I’m pregnant, just to turn around and say we had another stillbirth. Plus listening to my kids prayers each night blessing Junior (his or her nickname thanks to TEK), they would say we want to keep this one. Heavenly Father got Angel and Keith, but we want this one. Saturday, Steve took me up for the AFP lab test. This was the one that showed the fetus blood level was high. With a high AFP, it increases risks of spina bifida, stillbirth, prematurity, and SIDS. Keith’s score was 2.5. Normal is 1.0-2.0. Yesterday after a sleepless night I called to find out the results.My sixth pregnancy (Junior) received a 1.8. I cried. I cried for this pregnancy now that I can finally acknowledge at 16 weeks along. I cried for the (so far) promising health of this pregnancy. I’m not out of the wood work until I hold this baby. I’ve been saving my arms to never hold another newborn, unless it was a grandchild. Now I may have the opportunity to hold my own newborn again. I’ve really needed this pregnancy. I’m not ruling out adoption, but I need this renewed faith in my body. I didn’t need to have another baby to get this. But for almost two years, I’ve had bitterness towards something Imust have did or done that caused this stillbirth. Now after another pregnancy, I found results I should have previously. My body is working fine. This special Angel son of mine was pre-planned a long time ago. He was meant to be an angel, and I his Mother. Today, I am 16 weeks pregnant. I am looking at the sky in a new way. I have hope for the future. I have lived in a world of grieving. I have suffered and mourned for what might have been. I have love immensely and I have lost. Yesterday, I gave a talk on Gratitude and mentioned all that I have become. The psychologist I went and saw was in our ward. Afterwards, he came up to me and told what a beautiful talk from the heart that I gave. I have mourned, grieved, healed, and now I am moving on by carrying for this blessed unborn child. My sixth (and final) pregnancy.
October 7, 2009
I have been in a stupor lately and I am not sure why. Not sure if it is the weather, feeling sorry for myself. Either way I need to get over it. Yesterday I was thinking about I missed Keith and yet how I was glad that he never had to suffer or feel pain. It made me think how our Heavenly Father had to watch Christ suffer and die. I too lost my son, yet because of our Savior’s atonement I will see my again. It just hurts for now.
One thing that gets me out of this rut is keeping busy and taking care TEK. I thought Primary president would be an easy calling, boy was I wrong. We have our primary program plus we are switching church buildings. I have to teach 40 kids where their new classrooms are, assign classrooms, show teachers new classrooms, and have the primary program all on Oct. 18. I am feeling a little better about it now.
Also, I’m room Mom for Eric’s class. Plus I volunteer every Friday in Kayla’s class. Then of course I have to drive Trevor to and from his school. Plus a full time job, plus my calling, oh and I am a wife and my kids get hungry and…….you see where I am going? But like always, I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s a price I have to pay for being this busy (not much time for me), but really I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides Steve and I are being really good and working out together each morning. I feel better after I exercise, plus it gives me one on one time with him.
September 22, 2009
Yesterday I ran into the L&D tech Julie that helped me so much when I had delivered Keith. Steve taught her kids so he knew her. She is going on a service mission to help children and women in Africa with a surgery clinic along with others from WSU and McKay. She asked me how I was doing and I told her much better. Considering where I was a year ago or even fifteen months ago life has been better. She too has gone through a rough year with a divorce. I contemplated how I was pregnant and was intending to have a live born child. Never did I think I would have to go through the pains and agony of a stillbirth especially after I made it out of the first trimester. She was married for many years had her children and never intended on divorcing. Life doesn’t always give us what we intend it to, but we carry on and perservere to the end.
On a brighter side we have been having some fun filled weekends. Good thing we’ve been fighting illness during the weekdays. Friday we got to go boating with some friends that we share a stillbirth in common. Saturday, went to the university football game. Yesterday, we went to the Christmas in September Punkinaze to provide financial assistance for Africans requiring minor surgeries. My house is a mess, but my kids are happy, I’m happy, Steve is happy. Life is good…for now.