September 10, 2009

Well school started and you can tell it is keeping me busy. This is definitely me. Back to a month of summary. Steve and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. We did a marriage rope course activity with other couples through the USU extension. I can honestly say I love my husband much more now than when we first got married. He is my every other heart beat.
I’m finally getting in a routine of taking Eric to school first, then Trevor to his school, followed by Miss Kayla going to a neighbors house or on Monday and Fridays, she stays with me in the AM until PM Kindergarten starts. All the kids are loving school. Soccer starts on Saturday and we have TEK in games. So my Saturdays are now shot driving to and from games. Yuck.
Now for a short summary of my kids:
Kayla loves Kindergarten and her teacher. She asks us to read chapter books to her at night now that she is in Kindergarten. Otherwise she reads to us, which she is learning on her own pretty good. She is my social girl and loves (and then hates) the neighbor girl. Loves playing princesses and wants me to take her back to lunch with Ariel at Disneyland. Drama, yes. Loves to dress up , yes. Nurturer, yes. And her newest adventure…soccer!
Eric loves recess. He’s been wearing shorts to school since it is so hot and his knees are all skinned up. On the bright side, no holey pants. He is quite the pianist. He has his Dad’s ear for rhythm. He struggles with reading and we’re working twice as hard trying to help him. Always has a Bak U gan thing, Pokemon, or Yu Gi Oh something close by.
Trevor is enjoying his PALS (Accelerated learner) 5th grade class, although we were a little concerned at first when he received 11 worksheets to complete in one night. He is excited to start soccer and see his ‘neighborhood’ friends again. He is our bookworm-finished two last night. He’s loving Cub Scouts. Trying to discover ‘Indian clay’ at the school playground during recess. He enjoys having wars with his army men. Funny, my old piano teacher is his 5th grade teacher. Small world.
Keith and Angel, well they keep their Mom on the right path to return to heaven. Without them, who knows what I’d be doing or smoking right now. They make me want to become more Christ like and full of compassion and service to others. Isn’t that why we are here? One day we’ll have a good reunion! Until then, their memory will have to do.

August 11, 2009

You can say that our summer has been a great one. Steve and I wish we could stay home all year long with the kids. I doubt they realize how lucky they have it with their parents home. I have worked hard on being social and having friends and scheduling friend dates. I think it has paid off. I ams so happy where we live. Each child has one or two good friends. Even though Eric’s best friend is moving and I should say his Mom is my good friend too. Fortunately not too far, but I am sure it will be far enough.

Did I mention that I was called as the primary president for our new ward? Talk about the deer in the headlights! That’s what the Bishop referred to as he gave me the calling. I’m still overwhelmed and trying to make some much needed changes against those that have been in the ward for so long. Steve is the cub master which I am glad so I know the boys are being taken cared of. Last Sunday we spoke in sacrament meeting, I had to ‘emergency substitute’ for Sunbeams, and conduct in primary. I went home and had a much needed Coke! Interesting I told my husband I wanted just one more child and now I have 40 primary kids plus 20 nursery kids (see the lopesidedness?)

Also, last Tuesday we completed the homestudy for the foster to adopt. Now that we have done everything, I am having more second thoughts?? What the hell am I doing? I don’t mind adopting a toddler but the thought of fostering for two or so years and then have the child reunified tears me apart. Once we are officially licensed I am going to tell our caseworker we need a child close to tpr (termination of parents rights). As mentioned two different one child under the age of 3 is all we will take. We quit after that.

And yes we are trying, but nothing as of now. I bought four ovulation tests and I don’t think I ovulated at all last month. Again, I’m not sure if I want a newborn. They still frighten me beyond measure. If I got pregnant I have all those worries of miscarriage and stillbirth. Then once the child comes I get to worry about SIDS, accidents. How any child makes it to adulthood (and then even more worries) is beyond me.
I can say I’m doing better overall with my grief. I will forever miss my Keither guy and wish he were here, but I know I will see him one day. I love Keith so much. As we get closer to his due date (Aug 20), I’m going to purchase the “We were going to have a baby, but had an angel instead’ bo0k for the library system. Even though it is a children’s book, it has helped me so much. I love my children so much and love being a Mommy more than anything in the whole wide world.
We’ve had a fun summer doing many “staycations”. From Zions, Goblin Valley, Arches, Cherry Hill, the cabin, Viva Las Vegas(which turned out being a great trip) and now to Lava Hot springs. We’ve had fun. In Vegas we hit the Tournament of the Kings, the Adventure dome, and the Children’s museum twice. We have loved 2009 summer events! And are hoping to go to California this Christmas and Yellowstone over UEA. Yes summer is fun, but it is winding down and school is starting.

Keith's 18 week ultrasound appt. This was the appt that the perinatologist said this is a healthy baby and nothing to worry about (referring to the high AFP test score). So I did, for the next six weeks I felt that all was going my way and did not worry about Keith.

I've wanted to add these videos to show and prove to this world how much we love our son. Please ignore my lack of singing capability. It was the thought that counted.

July 1, 2009

My life has been blessed with so much, why is it that the loss of my unborn child causes such agony? I still struggle hearing of a neighbor who is delivering her baby today or my best friend’s announcement of her pregnancy. I don’t or didn’t even want to be pregnant…or so I think. I read about a former teacher of mine who had adopted two boys from Romania eighteen years ago and how one of them committed suicide last week. I still recall listening to her talk about her promptings to adopt in church. These are the same promptings that I have had to adopt. But her two boys she adopted, one is in jail for burglary and the other committed suicide. Her biological son is a plastic surgeon. It seems that biological children just have a 100% chance of turning out better than any adopted child. I just don’t trust my body anymore and think if I have another child it will have severe deformities or challenges. I’d take and I’d love what I get, but I don’t want to deliberately have these types of problems at the same time. But if I adopt, I’ll have a child with mental disorders and challenges. It is a lose lose situation.

Either way, I bought my first ovulation test ever. I don’t know why whether we’ll try or not. But at least I’ll know when it ‘could’ happen. TEK are having a fun summer, and if it wasn’t for them, I don’t know where I’d be. Between swimming lessons, piano lessons, gymnastics, and don’t forget friend days, play dates, and birthday parties, I am busy. But I do love it. Truly they have kept me out of a major depression. I hate to rely on my children so much. Their piano teacher was telling me how hard it is when they graduate, move out and get married. I’m just sad that my children are all in grade school. That’s too much grown up for me, what will I do when they get married? I’ve already told them I will spoil my grandbabies to pieces so just watch out. So here I still have the million dollar question, are we done, do we try for one more, do we adopt? I’ve prayed over and over and the other answer I seem to get is do your work Heather, do your work. Well I have and now I need more of an answer into which way we should be going. Cause I am a nervous wreck.

June 7, 2009
Eric was baptized and confirmed yesterday. It turned out to be a beautiful day. I am so proud of Bear. He did this on his own. He is such a charismatic and unique child. Definitely that same adorable baby I gave birth to 8 years and 4 days ago. Steve and I gave the talks and I was so glad. Because we kept them short, sweet, and to the point. Just the ways Eric can handle. He is such a good example with his snuggle bear hugs. I’ll always treasure the times when I was pregnant with Keith how Eric would come and kiss my belly and tell Keith he loved him. He truly has a heart of gold and I hope he never changes.
It was interesting that prior to the baptism I got all emotional about how I’ll never see this milestone with Keith. It seems every milestone that my kids hit, I have to take a brief moment and ponder that I have missed this moment with him. One day some how, I’ll have but into then, I keep plowing away.
Big announcement, they are creating a new stake in church. Yahoo! Now we won’t have to drive across town to go to church. I’m so excited. Doing the new stake dance. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! It’s about time. Plus I will be released of playing the piano which I am sick of. Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
We’re heading to Goblin Valley and Arches. We’ve had some car problems, so our trip was cut short to three days rather than four. It is nice to have Steve home officially for the summer. Lately I have had problems with sleeping. I’ve been trying a warm drink before bed, but am also going to try to eliminate TV (especially news) to see if that helps. I seem to be getting anxiety over everything. The baptism organization, possible adoption, etc.
Thank goodness it is Sunday and my day to relax. That may help too.

May 26, 2009

I love being a Mom and I am so glad to be able to attend all of my kids end of school activities. These last two weeks have been hectic, but so worth it. We only have one set of ball games rather than two or three. This is also the last week of the foster/adoption class. I’m getting more and more anxiety over doing this and having a difficult time sleeping at night thinking of all that will be wrong with this child. With every pregnancy you always pray for the health and safety of your child. With the adoption, I just think as now how many problems will this baby have. Because as I have learned there is no healthy baby in foster/adoption all have problems. I’m just sick of the instructor being so negative. Although he works for DCFS, he has never fostered and just keeps telling us worse case scenarios only. I just keep thinking of the cute little guy in our ward who seems closer to perfection than I ever will and he came through the foster/adoption program when he was one.

Eric is getting baptized on June 6. My little bear is going to be accountable too. He is taking the missionary classes from two ladies in our ward and just is so pure and happy. I don’t think he even needs to be baptized. He is so much closer to perfection than me. I love him so much. I love all my children, but right now this is Bears special time. HE is such my atlethetic and competitive child, but is such my snuggle bugger. Of all my kids he likes to snuggle. I was looking at his picture album yesterday and watching how he has grown and developed but still has those 3 traits, athletic, competitive, and my snuggler.

Trevor will be starting the PALS (accelerated learning program) for fifth grade next year at a new elementary. He is excited, but I told him if he doesn’t like it or misses his friends, I’ll pull him out. It’s funny a year ago, I was looking at sending my kids to a charter school, but opted to send them to their elementary. I’m so glad I did. The love school and are doing so well. Sometimes charter schools think they can fix all that’s wrong with public schools. But when there is nothing to fix, why send them? Trevor has abilities to advance within public school to prepare him for Junior High. But I’m sorry, if he doesn’t like it or if he misses his friends I’ll send him back. So much of school is learning how to function socially. I’m glad that my kids have learned that and continue to learn that skill. I sure can think of some who have been at charter schools, private schools, and/or home school who lack social skills. And to be fair some kids who do exceedingly well in charter and home school that would thrive in any setting. I just hope that is my kids that have capability to be in any social setting.

Have I mentioned I love being a Mom? Kids are great….maybe…just maybe…will we foster/adopt. If not, I’ve been blessed more than I’ll ever realize. Thanks Heavenly Father for all that you have given me.

May 19, 2009

Ugh, TEK activities are keeping me too busy. I know I need to enjoy this time since it won’t last long, but Steve and I crashed last night at 9:45 from after two baseball games and the drama show by Kayla. She means well, but man is she dramatic and every little injury becomes life threatening. We had a chat today about the boy who cried wolf. We’ll see if it reduces some of the high emotions after every little injury. That and lying on her bed for 10 minutes. TE have baseball every Monday and Wednesday and K is so patient to come along especially if they have a playground. I try and alternate helping her at the playground and watching TE play. I’m sure I gave more time to the boys, and maybe that is why she is being so dramatic. She knows she can get my full attention from that. I guess I just need to give her my full attention on positive situations rather than negative. I can truly say that Kayla saved me last year while I was grieving over the loss of Keith. I need her more than she needs me. I love being a Mom to a girl, so I need to allow the drama.

I have been taking a sabbatical from church and went back last Sunday. I had not been to a full 3 hour block of church in a month. Of course it was fast Sunday and of course there was a baby blessing and the parents truly had no clue how blessed they should be. I left church in a foul mood and told Steve I do better not attending church. On Monday, I briefly chatted with a lady in our ward who adopted her last child from the foster to adopt program. In my mind her boy just stood out as the sweetheart of the primary when we first moved into this ward two years ago. It stuns me that he was adopted especially from the foster care program. He was there first child they fostered. They were offered others, but declined due to foster only. His Mom was very supportive to me and offered to help me. I have taken 3 of the required 8 classes required, but am going to finish them. We’ll see where this road takes me. I’m not hoping for a miracle (although that would be nice). I’m just praying that it won’t be as traumatic as many of these classes say it will be. Steve is going to take the 3 courses required for us to be licensed for a year. If nothing is working out for us to adopt, we’ll quit and re-analyze the situation at that time.

I often feel I type in my journal about all of my problems. It is definitely easier to focus on the negative especially when I have suffered so much. But for the next paragraph I am going to focus on all that I have been blessed.

I’m listening to this country song about how this guy wouldn’t have traded this for something. I’m sitting watching Kayla at gymnastics and she is doing great this week. I have three healthy beautiful children. I am thankful for my two little ones waiting for me in heaven. I am grateful to now have an understanding of what grieving (the most painful type of grieving over a child) is. I am thankful for my own health as I have seen many women my age suffer from health difficulties, I feel blessed for my own health today. I am grateful for my very flexible job and to have summers off. I wouldn’t have chosen to work when my children were small if it weren’t for that flexibility. I am thankful for my man of almost fifteen years. He truly is the many missing puzzle pieces and together (and with our children and our Savior) we are complete 10,000 piece puzzle. I’m grateful for my friends that I have supported me through my elementary years. I’m also thankful for my newfound friends that share the title of Angelmom with me. I’m grateful for my supportive family. I’m grateful for the small steps that I and my in-law family have made in improving our relation. I am grateful for me! Ever since I was a young girl I have kept a journal. It’s funny how things stress you out when you are 11 that don’t even matter now. Who care’s if I’m last to be chosen on volleyball. I’ve always hated playing volleyball anyways. I’m so grateful for all the hard work I have done to get myself where I am today. Although I could loose probably 15 pounds, I’m content with who I am. I’m grateful for my more humble understanding of life. I am grateful to be more understanding of others and how they may be suffering. I guess I could refer back to the greatest movie ever written when the Butler tells Joanna when she says everyone thinks she is crazy and asked the butler if they are right. The butler responds saying “Oh no madam, you have seen life from a totally different perspective. What you choose to do with this information and knowledge is completely up to you”. For all my Angel Mom’s out there thank you for being my friend and reading my blog/journal. God bless you as we continue on our journey through this life to live with our children again.

May 6, 2009

One year ago I buried my son. I’ve come a long way since then. Although I will always allow me to mourn when needed, I have become so much stronger in many ways. I’m not as sensitive to the insensitive. I won’t allow people (even Prophets) tell me how I should be feeling. I feel empowered and looked after from above. I told Steve the other night and I am so grateful for Keith…I love him.

For Keith’s one year anniversary we held a small memorial in the drizzly weather on Sunday, May 3 at the cemetery. We have been raising butterflies and it was nice to realize them in memory of Keithy. We also wrote our love notes on balloons and sent them sailing away for Keithy to grab or at least that is what we told Kayla. I’ve receive some thoughtful cards, emails, gifts in memory of his one year day. I will treasure those thoughtful gestures. We also decorated the grave. Then that evening I went to volunteer as a Share member. More on this later.

On May 4, Kayla and I went and redecorated the grave after the strangest hailstorm that has hit northern Utah. Apparently there was even a tornado in Willard. That evening, alone I went to the cemetery. I took some of the small gifts I had received from Ivillage friends, pictures from NILMDTS, and the birth letter I had written for Keith. I pulled out the blanket that I kept in memory of him (the nice blue crochet one), along with the clothes that he wore prior to his burial. I laid a blanket on the grass right next to his grave and read the birth letter out loud and allowed my self to cry to my hearts content. It was what I needed in memory of the difficult day that I had one year earlier. I miss my son, but will allow the memories of him suffice until we meet again.

I am also now volunteering to the Share organization who gave me so much. I’ve gone twice so far. One to help a Mom who lost her boy at 16 weeks. The other which was more difficult a loss in which the parents had to take their 23 week old son off of life support after 12 days. He was the exact age of Keith. I always thought how poignant it would have been if I could have just seen Keith’s eyes, but seeing the strain and difficulty for this couple it made me realize that these precious ones were meant to be angels. It doesn’t matter if the child was 16 weeks gestation or 16 years. When your time has come, it has come. Now it’s up to us here on earth to find out what to do without them. We made the mold for the 23 week loss in the exact room where I delivered Keith a year earlier. I remembered being by the nurses station. I recall the picture that reminded me of Hawaii (which I kept telling Steve we should be in Hawaii and not delivering our stillborn son). It was sentimental, but not difficult.

Following the first loss that I volunteered at I had a spiritual experience after a prayer that I am done having children. I thought of a friend who had 15 miscarriages and three healthy children (age 15, 11, and 1) and thought hey, maybe that will be me. But I think and am still praying for confirmation that I will be adopting. When I pray, I just keep feeling that this (adoption) will be an incredibly difficult thing for me to face. I wonder if I’m strong or if I want to try and endure this I wish I could just adopt without having to worry about the concerns and lifetime problems of adoptees.

I’ve done it, I have survived one year without my son. I am a better woman now more in touch, in tune, and empowered. My goals for the next year is to resolve the sarcasm and hypocritical parts of me when I see and view other pregnant Moms or newborns. I think this will always be painful but will reduce with continual time.

Keith on your one year anniversary I want to say thank you for all you have done for me. I hope this new found wisdom will be used to a greater cause and I can reach out to others. In memory of you and all of your angel friends, I will continue to strive to live worthily of our reunion one day. God bless our love.

Thoughts that helped me survive this day:

May 1, 2008

Keithy’s Angel day

~A BUTTERFLY BLESSING~Lord,Bless me with the ability of a butterfly to endure the changes that will happen to me in my lifetime. Help me to accept these changes with a positive and loving attitude. Bless me with the beauty of a butterfly to allow me to reflect the colors of my soul, being and individuality, and to look for these things in others. Bless me with the ability of a butterfly to create and instill the feeling of wonder, passion, and excitement towards all of your living creatures. Bless me with the butterflies' ability to pollinate your flowers, so that I may cultivate your human garden with love and compassion. Last, but not least, Lord, Bless me with the grace of ascension, so that I may ascend into your glorious heaven like a rising butterfly, when my journey here on earth, is complete.
Amen
~M. Dilts

A crisis allows us the opportunity to dig deep into the reservoirs of our very being, to rise to levels of confidence, strength, and resolve that otherwise we didn't think we possessed. Through adversity, we come face to face with who we really are and what really counts."
-- Jon Huntsman, self-made American billionaire, author of Winners Never Cheat