Wednesday, July 1, 2009

July 1, 2009

My life has been blessed with so much, why is it that the loss of my unborn child causes such agony? I still struggle hearing of a neighbor who is delivering her baby today or my best friend’s announcement of her pregnancy. I don’t or didn’t even want to be pregnant…or so I think. I read about a former teacher of mine who had adopted two boys from Romania eighteen years ago and how one of them committed suicide last week. I still recall listening to her talk about her promptings to adopt in church. These are the same promptings that I have had to adopt. But her two boys she adopted, one is in jail for burglary and the other committed suicide. Her biological son is a plastic surgeon. It seems that biological children just have a 100% chance of turning out better than any adopted child. I just don’t trust my body anymore and think if I have another child it will have severe deformities or challenges. I’d take and I’d love what I get, but I don’t want to deliberately have these types of problems at the same time. But if I adopt, I’ll have a child with mental disorders and challenges. It is a lose lose situation.

Either way, I bought my first ovulation test ever. I don’t know why whether we’ll try or not. But at least I’ll know when it ‘could’ happen. TEK are having a fun summer, and if it wasn’t for them, I don’t know where I’d be. Between swimming lessons, piano lessons, gymnastics, and don’t forget friend days, play dates, and birthday parties, I am busy. But I do love it. Truly they have kept me out of a major depression. I hate to rely on my children so much. Their piano teacher was telling me how hard it is when they graduate, move out and get married. I’m just sad that my children are all in grade school. That’s too much grown up for me, what will I do when they get married? I’ve already told them I will spoil my grandbabies to pieces so just watch out. So here I still have the million dollar question, are we done, do we try for one more, do we adopt? I’ve prayed over and over and the other answer I seem to get is do your work Heather, do your work. Well I have and now I need more of an answer into which way we should be going. Cause I am a nervous wreck.

June 7, 2009
Eric was baptized and confirmed yesterday. It turned out to be a beautiful day. I am so proud of Bear. He did this on his own. He is such a charismatic and unique child. Definitely that same adorable baby I gave birth to 8 years and 4 days ago. Steve and I gave the talks and I was so glad. Because we kept them short, sweet, and to the point. Just the ways Eric can handle. He is such a good example with his snuggle bear hugs. I’ll always treasure the times when I was pregnant with Keith how Eric would come and kiss my belly and tell Keith he loved him. He truly has a heart of gold and I hope he never changes.
It was interesting that prior to the baptism I got all emotional about how I’ll never see this milestone with Keith. It seems every milestone that my kids hit, I have to take a brief moment and ponder that I have missed this moment with him. One day some how, I’ll have but into then, I keep plowing away.
Big announcement, they are creating a new stake in church. Yahoo! Now we won’t have to drive across town to go to church. I’m so excited. Doing the new stake dance. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! It’s about time. Plus I will be released of playing the piano which I am sick of. Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
We’re heading to Goblin Valley and Arches. We’ve had some car problems, so our trip was cut short to three days rather than four. It is nice to have Steve home officially for the summer. Lately I have had problems with sleeping. I’ve been trying a warm drink before bed, but am also going to try to eliminate TV (especially news) to see if that helps. I seem to be getting anxiety over everything. The baptism organization, possible adoption, etc.
Thank goodness it is Sunday and my day to relax. That may help too.

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