Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Feb 4, 2009
Happy nine month Angel day. Don’t think I have forgotten about you. Just missing you too much even to type. Pray for me Keith….I need you today. Steve and I are really needing answers to some of the most pivotal questions regarding any future children we may have. Please be with us Keithy and baby Angel.

January 19, 2009

Well happy new year. Life has been so far better than how it ended. I’m on my diet (again), but I gurantee these pounds will not be with me at the end of this year. Work has been keeping me pretty busy. They just announced that WSU will cut 150 jobs. I don’t think I’ll be in that cut, but who knows, the non-tenured track assistant college professor just may be. Besides, if I am, I have better things to do with my time. I’ll just miss the benefits that WSU has given me.
It’s been a difficult couple of days. Yesterday going to church we were surrounded by pregnant ladies or baby carseats. This is what happens when you go to a Mormon church ten minutes late. You sit by all the late people. I’m switching religions. Anyone know of one that I won’t see pregnant people or baby carseats? But today was definitely the cherry on top. I spent today (Monday, Martin Luther King day) with TEK and Steve tubing at Snowbasin. We had a great time….but like always things changed. Steve’s folks came and shared dinner at our house (First time since May, but that was ok). They brought K birthday present. They also brought the proofs of the family picture that was taken on Christmas eve. The first time in our fourteen years of marriage that Steve’s siblings were all together. Well all except for the sister in law who didn’t feel good because of her PPD. Well they(my inlaws) informed that they were going to crop in the sis-in-law who didn’t come to the family picture because she is suffering from postpartum depression into the family picture. This is the same in-law who couldn’t come to Keith’s graveside because her baby would have died too. Gosh I hope I don’t suffer from PPD because she did and huh, I think that was the same reasoning why she didn’t come to the funeral for my son Keith. Anyways, Steve mentioned to his parents that if they were cropping in his ‘sis-in-law’, why not crop in our son? My in-laws reply was that they already have a picture of Keith. Don’t they have a picture of her too? You know she deliberately didn’t come to the family picture. I like to think that my son, didn’t have a choice to not be in my family. I miss him every day and all I have is pictures, my necklace, hand/foot molds, and my hoodie from Oct 15 walk to remind me of him. And they want to call it a family picture without my son? I would have been fine if they weren’t going to crop anybody in, but if you’re going to go the extra effort to crop in my husbands ‘sis-in-law’, then you better crop in the most perfect child this family will or would have ever known. Never in this life will I hear my son Keith’s coo or cry. I will never again be able to hold him or walk with him. Heaven just seems to far away to wait for that reunion.
I tend to think I’m doing well, but then this all happens. It’s true one step forward then two steps back. We’ve decided that when I go in to my next Gyn appt the end of this month to schedule an appt to get my tubes tied. I hate to end on this sad note, but TEK need me. I cannot keep focusing on if or when I get pregnant anymore. My husband needs his wife back. TEK need me. More than anything else, I need to regain my life back. Nothing has brought me more happiness then my children nor will. But it is time to close this book of my childbearing years with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart. Besides when I die, I will have the 2 most beautiful children running to me and will wrap their sweet little arms around me and this pain and agony of this earthly life will all have been worth it.

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