Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Dec 30

Dec 30
Well I lost whatever I may have had in those short five weeks. I need to share the dream I had on Saturday night. I dreamed that I held a stillborn baby boy. Surprisingly it was not Keith. He was bigger, had a big belly, he was blue, and he was beautiful. When I woke up, I just couldn’t get this out of my mind. Was God trying to tell me I was going to have another stillborn child? I told Steve about it and he was kind enough to stay home from his church meetings that morning. Meanwhile, I got myself going and the kids and I went to church. During sacrament meeting I said a silent prayer, I didn’t have the strength or endurance to handle another stillbirth, if I was going to loose this pregnancy to a stillbirth, I prayed that instead of having another still birth if I could have a miscarriage. I wouldn’t have traded the experience of Keith, but it had physically, emotionally, and mentally drained me of all my energy leaving me just an ounce to raise TEK and carry on with my life. I just couldn’t go through that again. I feel evil for feeling this way and regret this prayer especially since I came home from church and began spotting. Later that night I went and purchased a pregnancy test which was negative. If for any reason this happened because of my prayer, I am sorry. I just know my earthly limits as Heavenly Father must know my heavenly possibilities.
I love all my children so much. Now in my life, I will begin to take better care of myself. No more will I allow my body to go through the pains and strains of pregnancy. I have been pregnant on Christmas for the last three years, none of them (pregnancies) ending with a healthy living infant. I am closing this chapter of my life. I have been blessed so much with all 6 of my children, 3 here on earth and my now 3 angels soaring over me.

December 28, 2008
Well five weeks into the pregnancy and I’m a nervous wreck. I am spotting some brownish discharge. From what I can tell it can just be normal implantation discharge, but I remember this type of discharge at 8 weeks with baby Angel. So I’m nervous and of course it is Sunday, so I’m taking it easy and just calling the doctor tomorrow. I really want to be done with this. I keep saying if this pregnancy doesn’t work I’m done, definitely done. I love TEK with all that I am. Whatever that thought was that there was one more…well I’ll just have to wait for heaven to meet my soaring angels.
Trevor: ribstick (moveable skateboard), army stuff and more
Eric: ribstick, webkinz
Kayla: princess snowglobe, princess tent, princess blanket. She loved her princess lunch at Ariels grotto in Disneyland.

December 22, 2008
I’m pregnant. I can’t believe it. I am in shock. This is my sixth pregnancy, will it give me a healthy living baby? The last two haven’t. How am I going to do this without being a nervous wreck throughout the next 8 ½ months? So much for trying to be done. How can I help other women grieving with stillbirth, when I am going to be pregnant? I don’t ever want to forget baby Angel and Keith. What if I loose this one too? Where will I bury this one if I need to? I get so much peace knowing the Keith and Angel are together, will this one be joining them too? It’s funny yesterday, Eric had to write a sentence using the word think. So he wrote ‘I think my Mom is going to have a baby’. I asked him what made him write that, he said it is just a sentence. It did get me thinking and that is why 30 minutes ago I took a pregnancy test, just to see it positive. I’m still in shock. I love being a Mom and I treasure everyone of my babies. I haven’t even told Steve, I guess I should schedule a Ob appt. Do I dare go back to my same Ob? Do I dare look at another ultrasound? I can’t believe I am doing this again. I am so nervous. It will be due about the same time Keith was due. I’ve been taking my prenatal, but I did use Nyquil last week with a sinus cold. I hope the alcohol in Nyquil doesn’t cause fetal alcohol syndrome. I am a nervous wreck. I can’t believe it…too early to tell others. I am in shock.

1 comment:

April said...

Hi I am an angel mommy too, to my sweet baby Harrison born at almost 21 weeks, my placenta ruptured. I am so sorry for all your losses. I can't even imagine having to go through that pain so many times. Good luck with trying figure out how/when/what to adopt. I think it is such an amazing thing to do. Your in my prayers. Love, April