March 2, 2009
Now I am getting back to my regular journal writing. Once a month occasional hello I am alive. Three kids, dear husband, work, grieving over two children, trying to decide on other options has been keeping me busy. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at adoption this month. I talked to a dear friend who has adopted and she advised me of a Premier Adoption company down in St George. The only problem is that they mainly focus on newborns. Now if I didn’t have any children, you bet I’d be filling out the paperwork now. But I do have children, five to be precise. Three living and two waiting for me in heaven. I don’t want a newborn. Newbies still scare me. But I really feel there is another child somewhere out there. Ugh! I agree with what Micki told me that my children are too young to take on an older child for adoption. Thus it leaves me with adopting a child between age of 6 mos to 2 years. Not a lot of kids available in that age bracket. I went to the foster care adoption meeting and I have decided I cannot foster. My heart won’t allow it. I carried Keithy with me for 24 weeks and 3 days and I still mourn him every day. I can’t allow children into my hear knowingly that the goal is that they go home. My heart would ache for each of them. But I really want to have my fourth and final child. I’m trying to get the courage to call DCFS and see if they ever allow some parents to adopt as the goal rather then fostering. I already believe I know the answer, so I don’t want to even call.
I don’t want to end this sad, because I post most my journal entries on my grieving blog to show publicly this is what it feels like. I’ve had two friends tell me the scripture “Men are that they might have joy”. And because of my journals, I think people think I’m sad. But that is not true. It has taken me thirtyfive years of my life to really know what joy is. I think loosing Keith taught me that joy is not happy cheerful blogs, it is not looking the best, or smiling all time so I look joyful. It’s the capability of challenging the very existence of each of us on earth. Loosing Keith taught me the real meaning of joy. The Christ like service in others is true joy. I am on the verge of volunteering with other Moms who too have lost babies due to pregnancy and infant loss. That may not be the cheery joy that people think is referred to in the scripture, but that is true Christ like joy. People have much greater sufferings than I all over this world. They too know what true joy is….because they know what sorrow is. Our Savior didn’t turn away anybody and do we question his joy? There is not one picture of our Savior giving the cheesy smile, but I believe he knew what joy was. Service and compassion to others. The joys I have found are the things that have caught me by surprise. I’ve got an amazingly supportive and courageous man in my life I am proud and honored to call him my husband Steve. I never would have imagined loving Motherhood as much as I do. The simple traditions (that are not included on blogs) that we have created is what makes us tick. I have been blessed with the truest and deepest friends. Some that I have had since second grade (almost 30 years). That is joy. My husband and I have both achieved academic goals. We are in many ways as my Mom told me ‘equally yolked’. That is our joy. But our greatest joy is these three children running around our house. How many families chase their kids around the house in their ‘bun buns”? How many read every day with their kids, not because we’re told to because we want to. How many visit the cemetery still weekly so we can know that true joy is not just what is here on earth. How many can look forward for death knowing that there are two children waiting for us. What did Steve and I do right to deserve this? To truly truly understand joy you have to know sorrow. God bless you sooo much Keith for teaching me that lesson. My vision is that when I die, the Savior will be holding you and baby Angel. I’ll make eye contact and you two little toddlers will come running to me. With my arms outstretched, I will give you the biggest hug. I’ll fall over (like I do when TEK does this) and we’ll laugh and laugh. Because we know what joy is. I am one of the luckiest women alive. Watch out world….who knows what I’ll do next.