November 24, 2008
I am truly a different woman now than I was six months ago. More compassionate, more controlling of what matters to me, and never again will I take life for granted. I’ve held an angel on May 4, 2008. I had a nice weekend away with friends, but boy did I miss my family. I love TEK and my husband so much. It’s a nice break (being away) but there is a fear that I may loose them like I did with Keith. I went to a SHARE meeting and they always discuss how the firsts are so hard. I always think well that’s not me, I’m tough. Then it happens. I was playing the piano and my Mom came and sat by me holding my 5 month old niece and I just lost it. I’ll never be able to play the piano for my baby boy. He’ll never hear me play my favorite song, “Mary’s Lullaby”. Gosh if I get so emotional over a song what am I going to do about the holidays. Thanksgiving is 3 days away, I hope I can gain composure. I'll start practicing the 'smile'.
November 15, 2008
Yesterday was so incredibly busy with work. I will not do that again. Two conferences and having to be socialable all day and night. Ok my introvertedness didn’t like this before I was missing you, definitely not now anymore. I have to say I went to a therapist a few days ago and like it. He did recommend me talking to other women in SHARE that have gone through similarities. But he counseled me on my grief. One thing that I speaks more than the other things he said, is that too show emotion and compassion are the characteristics of a real Mom. I have met many people (men and women) who do not show any remorse or sadness when they have learned about my stillbirth. The counselor said there are many that do not know how to express emotions. Yet I have learned (through this ever painful process) of how it is ok to cry and express myself. I’m a real Mom. I may go back to him (the therapist). But I appreciated him saying that I am normal and he expects in the next few months the grieving will not be as intense. Then mentioned there will always be the reminders that will bring it up again. Learning to live with grief is definitely difficult.
It’s official that we’re taking the family to California. Ever since we held the tribute for Keith, I’m excited to go back and take pictures. It will be nice to see how TEK has grown. They too have felt a loss for a brother. How amazing. It has taken me all my life to learn about grief and TEK have suffered, but are also resilient.
So I know I’m a normal grieving mother who loves all her children dearly. I’ve come a long ways since May. I’ve heard of others who have lost babies and I am much more compassionate and like to write sincere letters to them. Talk about us ladies! We’ve come along way. I still head up to the cemetery weekly (if not more). Not a day goes by that I do not think about him. I still wear the necklace I got when I miscarried baby Angel and I added a similar bracelet that Keith was buried with on the chain. I still mourn and I’m sure always will, but hopefully will have some of the ‘intenseness’ fade away in the months to come.
November 4, 2008
Well today is the six month mark. I’m surviving probably because I am so busy. Nobody (besides Steve) even realizes it is his six month day. Happy ½ angel day baby boy! Mom is thinking about you and missing you terribly.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
October 2008
Oct 29, 2008
Surprisingly today I have a lot of endorphins. I think that is the stuff that makes you happy. So I thought I better write something happy, since I rarely do. I was talking to someone how my children (TEK aka Trevor, Eric, & Kayla) were getting big so fast. And then I pondered how my Keithy boy will always be my baby. I’ll never see him walk, talk, laugh, cry. I’ll remember holding him while he was still. Any parent can tell you that holding a sleeping child is a remarkable moment, because it feels like you are holding an angel. Well holding Keith on May 4, 2008 I know I was holding an angel. What an honor for me, his Mother to give birth to an angel that did not need to come to this earth. Now don’t get me wrong, I miss him terribly. But in the much larger perspective of life beyond death Keith-you are an inspiration to me, to many others, to all who may read this. I look forward to the day of our reunion. Forever and always your Mommy!
Something I do in my personal journal, but since now this is my journal, I’d like to continue to document the moments or talents of my children. So when I wonder why they grew up so fast I can look back and reflect on ‘moments in time’.
T: (9) loves school, weather (describes the clouds), excited to see High School Musical 3. He is a race car driver for Halloween (Jeff Gordon I think). He is still the tease, but is also helpful when I yell.
E: (7) loves sports, right now his loves is football, loves to go through with Dad especially when Dad bets money (cause Dad always looses), yugi-oh and poke-mon. Eric is the computer guru-for him we place time limits especially now with high speed internet at home (finally). Eric is a ninja for Halloween. I didn’t know how to dress him up like Jaden on Yugi-oh.
K: (4) definitely the girl, loves to sing and impersonate her preschool teachers at circle time or at nap time (down to the flip flops), can do the chicken dance better then anyone I know. She’s a princess for Halloween again for the third year in a row. Different costumes, but once a princess always a princess.
October 22, 2008
I have been doing good for sometime and just lost it yesterday. I couldn’t take care of myself let alone TEK. Poor Steve had to make dinner and get them ready for bed. I usually don’t feel that depressed, but I do. I’m frustrated how long it takes me to do anything and everything. I felt bad, usually I can handle cooking, but not yesterday. It probably had something to do with my monthly, Steve wanting to try, and I don’t. I am not going to bury another child. Do I want another? I don’t know. I feel better about adopting rather then having to endure nine months of pregnancy wondering hey is this child going to make it or not? In some ways I feel like I have been pregnant, trying to be pregnant, and grieving for now two years, and to add on another year to that seems unbearable. I think God just likes to toy with my emotions. For the longest time I have felt so strong that there was one more child, yet this is how my prayers are answered with a miscarriage and stillbirth.
I’m watching the boys in gymnastics while I’m typing this and listening to these two women just yak and yak. They’re talking about their pregnancies and how tough they are. Well try it the other way and loose the child and see how difficult it is. These two ladies I’d classify as the fake Mormon ladies who just think they are so perfect and righteous, only problem is they haven’t truly experienced life. Do they really know what it is like to bury a baby? Do they know what true grief is or is that when they lost their shopping list. If only all I had to do was conceive a child then I could get pregnant. But I have to deal with the thoughts that this one I might have to bury too. What a bunch of fakes. And too think I was once one of those ladies. Yuck! Man, if you could listen to the faker lady talking about 100 miles per hour about me me me me and my pregnancies and my perfect children. Give me a barph bag now!
I would truly like Steve to consider adoption, but he doesn’t think that is right for us. He doesn’t want to push me into pregnancy, but I sure don’t feel right. I recall reading that you’re ready to try when the risk of loosing one weighs less then the thought of trying again. I doubt I’ll ever be there.
October 16, 2008
We have journeyed to Hanksville, Utah. Not much here, in fact the campground is rather ugly. Unfortunately I didn’t realize how many families like to camp in Goblin Valley. We went to Goblin Valley this evening and boy what a blast it was! TEK and Steve and I played hide and seek. It was so fun to hide in the crevices and climb on the rock formations. We loved it. We’re going back tomorrow for a hike down into wild horse slot canyon and then to play hide n seek in the daylight. Boy I was spooked in the night even with flashlights. We’re having a great time. Wish you were here with me. But as we were walking tonight and I saw the full moon I could just imagine you and baby Angel playing together. It reminded me of the Sesame Street song about if I could go to the moon on a rocketship high in the air etc. It’s like that I would love to go to the moon to be closer to Keith and Angel, but I don’t want to live there, because I need to be here with TEK and Dad. They need me and this earth needs all the help we can get. I wish you could be here with me. I miss you. Trevor and I bore my testimony in church this past Sunday. It was hard, but I felt that I needed to. After spending last Saturday at the Share walk to remember. I’m never going to forget you and I’ll look forward to our reunion, but for now here on earth is where I will be with TEK and Steve. I love Keith and Angel, God bless our love.
October 8, 2008
Well I just snapped at your brothers pretty bad. I don’t know why I am having a hard day and I just so badly want answers from my Heavenly Father of why he has done this and why I can’t get over this. I feel bad for taking it out on Trevor and Eric, although they had it coming. Today it just seems like the weight of this loss overburdening me. What is Heavenly Father wanting me to become of this? All I see in me is a woman who is more likely to loose it easier then before. I am realizing even at work I cannot accomplish as much as I used to. I’m just fed up today and am unfortunately taking it out on the ones I love the most.
This weekend is the walk in remembrance of the babies we have lost. I am looking forward to Steve and TEK coming. Hoping it will remind them to carry on and perservere. Too bad I can’t teach myself that. It’s just been a very difficult day dealing with Keithy. I miss him sooo much. Why couldn’t God take a baby away from a child abuser, murderer, drug user etc. Why did he have to take mine? The child I have prayed for for over two years! The child I already purchased new clothes and high chair for. We finished our basement for crying out loud for our growing family! I had already planned on savings account for his college like I did his siblings. Why Heavenly Father? Why Keith? Not that I would have liked you any better if you would have taken TEK, but why now, why Keith? What am I suppose to learn from this? Is there another child? I wish someone could answer my questions. Is anybody out there capable of answering these questions please let me know. It just hurts so bad and when is it going to get any better.
Surprisingly today I have a lot of endorphins. I think that is the stuff that makes you happy. So I thought I better write something happy, since I rarely do. I was talking to someone how my children (TEK aka Trevor, Eric, & Kayla) were getting big so fast. And then I pondered how my Keithy boy will always be my baby. I’ll never see him walk, talk, laugh, cry. I’ll remember holding him while he was still. Any parent can tell you that holding a sleeping child is a remarkable moment, because it feels like you are holding an angel. Well holding Keith on May 4, 2008 I know I was holding an angel. What an honor for me, his Mother to give birth to an angel that did not need to come to this earth. Now don’t get me wrong, I miss him terribly. But in the much larger perspective of life beyond death Keith-you are an inspiration to me, to many others, to all who may read this. I look forward to the day of our reunion. Forever and always your Mommy!
Something I do in my personal journal, but since now this is my journal, I’d like to continue to document the moments or talents of my children. So when I wonder why they grew up so fast I can look back and reflect on ‘moments in time’.
T: (9) loves school, weather (describes the clouds), excited to see High School Musical 3. He is a race car driver for Halloween (Jeff Gordon I think). He is still the tease, but is also helpful when I yell.
E: (7) loves sports, right now his loves is football, loves to go through with Dad especially when Dad bets money (cause Dad always looses), yugi-oh and poke-mon. Eric is the computer guru-for him we place time limits especially now with high speed internet at home (finally). Eric is a ninja for Halloween. I didn’t know how to dress him up like Jaden on Yugi-oh.
K: (4) definitely the girl, loves to sing and impersonate her preschool teachers at circle time or at nap time (down to the flip flops), can do the chicken dance better then anyone I know. She’s a princess for Halloween again for the third year in a row. Different costumes, but once a princess always a princess.
October 22, 2008
I have been doing good for sometime and just lost it yesterday. I couldn’t take care of myself let alone TEK. Poor Steve had to make dinner and get them ready for bed. I usually don’t feel that depressed, but I do. I’m frustrated how long it takes me to do anything and everything. I felt bad, usually I can handle cooking, but not yesterday. It probably had something to do with my monthly, Steve wanting to try, and I don’t. I am not going to bury another child. Do I want another? I don’t know. I feel better about adopting rather then having to endure nine months of pregnancy wondering hey is this child going to make it or not? In some ways I feel like I have been pregnant, trying to be pregnant, and grieving for now two years, and to add on another year to that seems unbearable. I think God just likes to toy with my emotions. For the longest time I have felt so strong that there was one more child, yet this is how my prayers are answered with a miscarriage and stillbirth.
I’m watching the boys in gymnastics while I’m typing this and listening to these two women just yak and yak. They’re talking about their pregnancies and how tough they are. Well try it the other way and loose the child and see how difficult it is. These two ladies I’d classify as the fake Mormon ladies who just think they are so perfect and righteous, only problem is they haven’t truly experienced life. Do they really know what it is like to bury a baby? Do they know what true grief is or is that when they lost their shopping list. If only all I had to do was conceive a child then I could get pregnant. But I have to deal with the thoughts that this one I might have to bury too. What a bunch of fakes. And too think I was once one of those ladies. Yuck! Man, if you could listen to the faker lady talking about 100 miles per hour about me me me me and my pregnancies and my perfect children. Give me a barph bag now!
I would truly like Steve to consider adoption, but he doesn’t think that is right for us. He doesn’t want to push me into pregnancy, but I sure don’t feel right. I recall reading that you’re ready to try when the risk of loosing one weighs less then the thought of trying again. I doubt I’ll ever be there.
October 16, 2008
We have journeyed to Hanksville, Utah. Not much here, in fact the campground is rather ugly. Unfortunately I didn’t realize how many families like to camp in Goblin Valley. We went to Goblin Valley this evening and boy what a blast it was! TEK and Steve and I played hide and seek. It was so fun to hide in the crevices and climb on the rock formations. We loved it. We’re going back tomorrow for a hike down into wild horse slot canyon and then to play hide n seek in the daylight. Boy I was spooked in the night even with flashlights. We’re having a great time. Wish you were here with me. But as we were walking tonight and I saw the full moon I could just imagine you and baby Angel playing together. It reminded me of the Sesame Street song about if I could go to the moon on a rocketship high in the air etc. It’s like that I would love to go to the moon to be closer to Keith and Angel, but I don’t want to live there, because I need to be here with TEK and Dad. They need me and this earth needs all the help we can get. I wish you could be here with me. I miss you. Trevor and I bore my testimony in church this past Sunday. It was hard, but I felt that I needed to. After spending last Saturday at the Share walk to remember. I’m never going to forget you and I’ll look forward to our reunion, but for now here on earth is where I will be with TEK and Steve. I love Keith and Angel, God bless our love.
October 8, 2008
Well I just snapped at your brothers pretty bad. I don’t know why I am having a hard day and I just so badly want answers from my Heavenly Father of why he has done this and why I can’t get over this. I feel bad for taking it out on Trevor and Eric, although they had it coming. Today it just seems like the weight of this loss overburdening me. What is Heavenly Father wanting me to become of this? All I see in me is a woman who is more likely to loose it easier then before. I am realizing even at work I cannot accomplish as much as I used to. I’m just fed up today and am unfortunately taking it out on the ones I love the most.
This weekend is the walk in remembrance of the babies we have lost. I am looking forward to Steve and TEK coming. Hoping it will remind them to carry on and perservere. Too bad I can’t teach myself that. It’s just been a very difficult day dealing with Keithy. I miss him sooo much. Why couldn’t God take a baby away from a child abuser, murderer, drug user etc. Why did he have to take mine? The child I have prayed for for over two years! The child I already purchased new clothes and high chair for. We finished our basement for crying out loud for our growing family! I had already planned on savings account for his college like I did his siblings. Why Heavenly Father? Why Keith? Not that I would have liked you any better if you would have taken TEK, but why now, why Keith? What am I suppose to learn from this? Is there another child? I wish someone could answer my questions. Is anybody out there capable of answering these questions please let me know. It just hurts so bad and when is it going to get any better.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
September 19, 2008
We are camping at Willard bay park in our new tent trailer. TEK has been so excited. We were still unloading and Trevor and Eric found a garter snake. It looks like it is going to be a cold night. We’ll see if we survive. If we don’t, I know of two special angels on the other side waiting for me and I am anxiously awaiting our reunion. For some reason it has been an emotional day. Some days it just feels good to cry and today was one of those days. I’ve been looking into adoption, and just don’t think it is going to be for us. I have told people, that I would be interested in adopting a little girl around 18 months. I don’t want to spend $35,000 and wait 3 years to go to China and adopt, but I just can’t think that this was my final baby. I miss Keith and Angel and I just hate to end on this note. Yet, TEK need me and I need them. Yesterday at dinner I was asking them if they were glad Keith was in our family even if it was for a short time. Trevor said how he has grown because of Keith and looks forward to meeting his brother. Eric said how Keith helps him every day when he has a problem. Kayla is constantly making cards, pictures etc for Keith to take to the cemetery. Here I was thinking that Keith caused a hole in them. Yet they chose to take the positive road. Boy, could I learn from them. Right now, I’m full of bitterness to Heavenly Father for not answering my prayers of ‘what now’. I keep thinking Keith’s death wasn’t in vain, but what am I suppose to be or do with this new woman I am because of Keith?
This week was also baby Angels due date one year ago. I should have a one year old running around, but I don’t. I should have a newborn to hold, but I don’t. I have a mind full of questions and want answers to what I should do with this new found knowledge I hold. In case you can’t tell, patience is a virtue I lack incredibly. Only the future knows, but I just can’t wait a month, let alone a year, or even a eternity. This must be God’s way of forcing patience within me.
September 24,
I just read the news article of the sentencing of the man that took the lives of my neighbors baby boy and mother. He received just 6 months and a misdemeanor for vehicular manslaughter. Fortunately his license is suspended for life. The sad thing that she says is that he has never apologized. Why is it so hard to just say, listen I screwed up and apologize! If it sounds any better I’m feel fortunate that I did not have to go through a trial that took over a year to come to. Hopefully the healing can begin. Her grieve has been to intense for too long thanks to this horrible man. I order three more books today about stillbirth, moving on, and one called Big George. I still wear the necklace that I purchased in memory of baby Angel and that holds the bracelet that Keith was buried in. I’ve worn it every day. I’m also still considering getting a tattoo with Keith’s name in a blue heart. I just want to make sure I find a place that doesn’t give me hepatitis. That’s all I need, more medical and emotional problems. One thing I notice that helps me is when I exercise. It truly helps my emotional stress. If I was to encourage anybody dealing with this is to exercise. I’m sitting watching the boy’s gymnastics class wondering if Keithey would have been a gymnast. The ‘What might have beens’ are so hard some times. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with Angie, I hope I can just listen and let her vent the pain and agony she has had to go through with this trial. My heart and prayers go out to her.
October 1, 2008
I copy this from Word and place on my blog. This is my journal and also my way of sharing the grieving of my baby boy Keith Perry Merkley born on May 4, 2008. I also want to share it, but can only imagine how confusing to the reader of the blog. I’m working on getting involved with the Utah Share group. Also, Pat Wimpie from NILMDTS helped me get a beautiful 11x14 picture of our family including Keith at the one month tribute held to him in Dana Point, California. How am I healing? Well depends on the day. Some days are fine, then there are the rest of the days of the month. Steve told me yesterday he’d like to try again. I am in shock. I’m the one that is usually baby hungry not him and I don’t know why he is saying he’s ready to try. I know it is partly out of easing my pain, but not all of it. I love my husband and he hasn’t told be why now he wants to try again. Does he feel there is another one? I don’t think I am ready to try….yet. I can’t bury another baby! I don’t want the same outcome of my last two pregnancies (miscarriage, stillbirth). Am I ready to be considered a high risk pregnancy? Am I ready to fear each day if this child’s heart has stopped beating? I just can’t do it..yet. Why all of a sudden did my husband tell me he is ready to start trying? Is there another one for our family.
We are camping at Willard bay park in our new tent trailer. TEK has been so excited. We were still unloading and Trevor and Eric found a garter snake. It looks like it is going to be a cold night. We’ll see if we survive. If we don’t, I know of two special angels on the other side waiting for me and I am anxiously awaiting our reunion. For some reason it has been an emotional day. Some days it just feels good to cry and today was one of those days. I’ve been looking into adoption, and just don’t think it is going to be for us. I have told people, that I would be interested in adopting a little girl around 18 months. I don’t want to spend $35,000 and wait 3 years to go to China and adopt, but I just can’t think that this was my final baby. I miss Keith and Angel and I just hate to end on this note. Yet, TEK need me and I need them. Yesterday at dinner I was asking them if they were glad Keith was in our family even if it was for a short time. Trevor said how he has grown because of Keith and looks forward to meeting his brother. Eric said how Keith helps him every day when he has a problem. Kayla is constantly making cards, pictures etc for Keith to take to the cemetery. Here I was thinking that Keith caused a hole in them. Yet they chose to take the positive road. Boy, could I learn from them. Right now, I’m full of bitterness to Heavenly Father for not answering my prayers of ‘what now’. I keep thinking Keith’s death wasn’t in vain, but what am I suppose to be or do with this new woman I am because of Keith?
This week was also baby Angels due date one year ago. I should have a one year old running around, but I don’t. I should have a newborn to hold, but I don’t. I have a mind full of questions and want answers to what I should do with this new found knowledge I hold. In case you can’t tell, patience is a virtue I lack incredibly. Only the future knows, but I just can’t wait a month, let alone a year, or even a eternity. This must be God’s way of forcing patience within me.
September 24,
I just read the news article of the sentencing of the man that took the lives of my neighbors baby boy and mother. He received just 6 months and a misdemeanor for vehicular manslaughter. Fortunately his license is suspended for life. The sad thing that she says is that he has never apologized. Why is it so hard to just say, listen I screwed up and apologize! If it sounds any better I’m feel fortunate that I did not have to go through a trial that took over a year to come to. Hopefully the healing can begin. Her grieve has been to intense for too long thanks to this horrible man. I order three more books today about stillbirth, moving on, and one called Big George. I still wear the necklace that I purchased in memory of baby Angel and that holds the bracelet that Keith was buried in. I’ve worn it every day. I’m also still considering getting a tattoo with Keith’s name in a blue heart. I just want to make sure I find a place that doesn’t give me hepatitis. That’s all I need, more medical and emotional problems. One thing I notice that helps me is when I exercise. It truly helps my emotional stress. If I was to encourage anybody dealing with this is to exercise. I’m sitting watching the boy’s gymnastics class wondering if Keithey would have been a gymnast. The ‘What might have beens’ are so hard some times. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with Angie, I hope I can just listen and let her vent the pain and agony she has had to go through with this trial. My heart and prayers go out to her.
October 1, 2008
I copy this from Word and place on my blog. This is my journal and also my way of sharing the grieving of my baby boy Keith Perry Merkley born on May 4, 2008. I also want to share it, but can only imagine how confusing to the reader of the blog. I’m working on getting involved with the Utah Share group. Also, Pat Wimpie from NILMDTS helped me get a beautiful 11x14 picture of our family including Keith at the one month tribute held to him in Dana Point, California. How am I healing? Well depends on the day. Some days are fine, then there are the rest of the days of the month. Steve told me yesterday he’d like to try again. I am in shock. I’m the one that is usually baby hungry not him and I don’t know why he is saying he’s ready to try. I know it is partly out of easing my pain, but not all of it. I love my husband and he hasn’t told be why now he wants to try again. Does he feel there is another one? I don’t think I am ready to try….yet. I can’t bury another baby! I don’t want the same outcome of my last two pregnancies (miscarriage, stillbirth). Am I ready to be considered a high risk pregnancy? Am I ready to fear each day if this child’s heart has stopped beating? I just can’t do it..yet. Why all of a sudden did my husband tell me he is ready to start trying? Is there another one for our family.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Aug 29, 2008
We’re heading to Island Park for a family reunion wish I could strap you in your car seat and come along with us. I have found much peace in taking Keith on these trips. Literally I sleep with his blanket and just he and I go to all of the beautiful places in the world in my dreams. It is our time and I picture Keith as a toddler. I spoke to a friend today about options of adoption. Keith was my last baby I held, and I don’t want to hold another baby, and I’m wondering (praying) if the Lord has in mind another child that is to come to our family through adoption. I think back to this saying that I got from a Mother who had a stillborn: The road I am on is my son’s gift to me. The least I can do as his Mother is to continue on this journey and see where it takes me. It is just one of many options Steve and I are looking (ok me more than Steve). Hey, congrats, I survived the first miserable week of school!!!!
We’re heading to Island Park for a family reunion wish I could strap you in your car seat and come along with us. I have found much peace in taking Keith on these trips. Literally I sleep with his blanket and just he and I go to all of the beautiful places in the world in my dreams. It is our time and I picture Keith as a toddler. I spoke to a friend today about options of adoption. Keith was my last baby I held, and I don’t want to hold another baby, and I’m wondering (praying) if the Lord has in mind another child that is to come to our family through adoption. I think back to this saying that I got from a Mother who had a stillborn: The road I am on is my son’s gift to me. The least I can do as his Mother is to continue on this journey and see where it takes me. It is just one of many options Steve and I are looking (ok me more than Steve). Hey, congrats, I survived the first miserable week of school!!!!
Sept. 3, 2008
It seems whenever I go somewhere I have to get over the 'firsts'. It was the first trip to Yellowstone/Island Park w/o my baby Keith. It was hard watching my sisters all feed their babies and I just could hold the memories. I never thought I was so sentimental to the 'firsts'. But I guess I am. It was also hard this trip, because of my neighbor who lost her Mom and her baby boy in a horrific car accident coming home from Island Park. Even Steve who doesn't get very sentimental thought of that as we drove to and fro. My heart and soul go out to her and she too grieves over her Mom and baby boy Hudson.
We did have an enjoyable trip. Prior to Keith I was usually happy (naturally). Now I can become happy, but I have to work on it. Ok, I was a pessimist at times, but that has gotten worse. I love love love my TEK. I truly don't know what I would do without them. They keep me going. Kayla just loves her school. Trevor & Eric are thriving in their grades. We went on a family bike ride. It was just nice. I think I feel Keith and Angel when I am outdoors. They are in the breeze or the sun. They are with me, but just not physically and that hurts.
It seems whenever I go somewhere I have to get over the 'firsts'. It was the first trip to Yellowstone/Island Park w/o my baby Keith. It was hard watching my sisters all feed their babies and I just could hold the memories. I never thought I was so sentimental to the 'firsts'. But I guess I am. It was also hard this trip, because of my neighbor who lost her Mom and her baby boy in a horrific car accident coming home from Island Park. Even Steve who doesn't get very sentimental thought of that as we drove to and fro. My heart and soul go out to her and she too grieves over her Mom and baby boy Hudson.
We did have an enjoyable trip. Prior to Keith I was usually happy (naturally). Now I can become happy, but I have to work on it. Ok, I was a pessimist at times, but that has gotten worse. I love love love my TEK. I truly don't know what I would do without them. They keep me going. Kayla just loves her school. Trevor & Eric are thriving in their grades. We went on a family bike ride. It was just nice. I think I feel Keith and Angel when I am outdoors. They are in the breeze or the sun. They are with me, but just not physically and that hurts.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
August 27, 2008
Believe me it is not that I am doing any better, I’m just so busy, I can’t write in ways of trying to grieve or heal. I survived the due date (August 20)….barely. I almost lost my now hated job, spoke to my doctor about getting medicated, and contemplated the rest of my life. I have had to go back to work, which I didn’t think would be as hard as it was. I went to a Share meeting with a neighbor of mine who lost her Mom and baby boy in a car accident. Getting the kids back in school too was emotional. I had to make the decision about charter school vs public school (go public school-that’s where my boys are). Steve started his new principal (public school) job and is overwhelmed. Kayla is happy to be back in school, although was scared for preschool today. That’s ok I love being the Mommy. I’m trying to decide if I want to try to have another child. My baby hungry craves have ended. I only want one particular baby and I had to bury him. I think that would stop anybody from being baby hungry having to go through the painful ordeal of burying a child. I’m back to sleeping with Keith’s blanket. I told Eric that that was my comfort object (as he still likes his teddy). Our last Share meeting topic was on subsequent choices, and hearing about women who have had to go through pregnancy after loss just still sounds like way too much for me to handle. We are considering adoption, but as Steve said we don’t want to look and literally just want the child (up to two years of age) to appear on our doorstep. I need to explore these options more. Of good news, our basement is finally through. Maybe next time I will write will be from a psychiatric ward..it’s probably where I am heading.
Aug. 5, 2008
Yesterday I went up to work and realized it had been three months since I delivered you. I had to go in close the door and just let myself loose it for a moment. I found out I am getting my own office and I am so grateful for that. I just need my moments thinking of you. I spoke to the lady I work with and she started to bug me saying how I need to back to work on Aug 18. Two words bite me! I told her I would be in and out that week and feel good with that much. I’m dreading going back to work full time. It will be much easier having my own office with space and time. I should be 38 weeks tomorrow and still I am mourning you. When will it get easier? It seems easier when I am lost in service of others. I made a dinner for a neighbor of mine who had lost her mom and baby in a car accident.
I survived a week without Steve, my parents, or sister. Even on top of that, I was able to watch additional children and work on the basement. I only lost it once when Kayla and Trevor were fighting. I cannot wait until this basement is down. I want to make a tribute shelf to Keith and display all of the memorabilia rather then keeping everything in boxes. I hope to have it ready on Aug 20. I also attended a SHARE picnic last week. That was really good to me to see all the women who too have lost one and could still continue on. It was interesting looking at ways people remembered their children. One had a lock of hair in a capsule and made a necklace, one had a angel tattoo with her child’s name on it, others (like me) had pictures and were too busy caring for their children here on earth. We’re all just trying to persevere through this life with the hope and dream of one day one day meeting our angel babies.
July 23, 2008
People are pushing me. I am just not there yet. My brother is bothered that I haven’t seen his baby. I just can’t look at a newborn yet. I love their baby even though I haven’t met her and I don’t want any danger to happen to her, but I should still be pregnant, 36 weeks to be precise, so how can I look at another baby knowing that I will not be holding my own baby in four more weeks. I’m overhearing these women talking about their pregnancies, and I can’t join them. I am excluded from that group, so why can’t I just exclude myself from the newborn groups too. I want to hold my baby, but I can’t. I got these beautiful pictures developed showing our family with Keith in the clouds. A lady in Oregon created them. This is a woman who she too has a baby angel. No one can even fathom the pain of burying a baby, and no one should. But if you have had to do this hardship, you need to seek out others who knows what you are going through and not pushing you to do things that you are just not ready yet.
Steve is leaving for San Diego next week, my folks are leaving to Washington, and my sister will be in Idaho. I am already trying to figure out what to do with my time. TEK will keep me busy, but one thing I know since I’ve lost you, Keith is it is hard for me to make decisions. I just hope I don’t wind up in the psychiatric ward next week.
I taught the cute sunbeams on Sunday and the lesson was on Families are Forever. I showed them the picture of our picture (that includes Keithy in the clouds) and one child asked how come you are not holding the baby? I kindly said that our baby is with Jesus. They asked how come?. I didn’t want to try and explain saying the word died or asleep, so I just reiterated that Jesus wanted him that he is with him right now. Oh said the child and that answered his questions. If only I could be like a child and be satisfied with that. I want to know why? Why did I pray for something and thought there was another child for me to hold, and this was all I got…was to bury my precious baby. I know that Keith just didn’t need to be tested here on earth, but his Mommy still misses him. Sometimes I wonder why the Lord made mourning so painful at times.
Believe me it is not that I am doing any better, I’m just so busy, I can’t write in ways of trying to grieve or heal. I survived the due date (August 20)….barely. I almost lost my now hated job, spoke to my doctor about getting medicated, and contemplated the rest of my life. I have had to go back to work, which I didn’t think would be as hard as it was. I went to a Share meeting with a neighbor of mine who lost her Mom and baby boy in a car accident. Getting the kids back in school too was emotional. I had to make the decision about charter school vs public school (go public school-that’s where my boys are). Steve started his new principal (public school) job and is overwhelmed. Kayla is happy to be back in school, although was scared for preschool today. That’s ok I love being the Mommy. I’m trying to decide if I want to try to have another child. My baby hungry craves have ended. I only want one particular baby and I had to bury him. I think that would stop anybody from being baby hungry having to go through the painful ordeal of burying a child. I’m back to sleeping with Keith’s blanket. I told Eric that that was my comfort object (as he still likes his teddy). Our last Share meeting topic was on subsequent choices, and hearing about women who have had to go through pregnancy after loss just still sounds like way too much for me to handle. We are considering adoption, but as Steve said we don’t want to look and literally just want the child (up to two years of age) to appear on our doorstep. I need to explore these options more. Of good news, our basement is finally through. Maybe next time I will write will be from a psychiatric ward..it’s probably where I am heading.
Aug. 5, 2008
Yesterday I went up to work and realized it had been three months since I delivered you. I had to go in close the door and just let myself loose it for a moment. I found out I am getting my own office and I am so grateful for that. I just need my moments thinking of you. I spoke to the lady I work with and she started to bug me saying how I need to back to work on Aug 18. Two words bite me! I told her I would be in and out that week and feel good with that much. I’m dreading going back to work full time. It will be much easier having my own office with space and time. I should be 38 weeks tomorrow and still I am mourning you. When will it get easier? It seems easier when I am lost in service of others. I made a dinner for a neighbor of mine who had lost her mom and baby in a car accident.
I survived a week without Steve, my parents, or sister. Even on top of that, I was able to watch additional children and work on the basement. I only lost it once when Kayla and Trevor were fighting. I cannot wait until this basement is down. I want to make a tribute shelf to Keith and display all of the memorabilia rather then keeping everything in boxes. I hope to have it ready on Aug 20. I also attended a SHARE picnic last week. That was really good to me to see all the women who too have lost one and could still continue on. It was interesting looking at ways people remembered their children. One had a lock of hair in a capsule and made a necklace, one had a angel tattoo with her child’s name on it, others (like me) had pictures and were too busy caring for their children here on earth. We’re all just trying to persevere through this life with the hope and dream of one day one day meeting our angel babies.
July 23, 2008
People are pushing me. I am just not there yet. My brother is bothered that I haven’t seen his baby. I just can’t look at a newborn yet. I love their baby even though I haven’t met her and I don’t want any danger to happen to her, but I should still be pregnant, 36 weeks to be precise, so how can I look at another baby knowing that I will not be holding my own baby in four more weeks. I’m overhearing these women talking about their pregnancies, and I can’t join them. I am excluded from that group, so why can’t I just exclude myself from the newborn groups too. I want to hold my baby, but I can’t. I got these beautiful pictures developed showing our family with Keith in the clouds. A lady in Oregon created them. This is a woman who she too has a baby angel. No one can even fathom the pain of burying a baby, and no one should. But if you have had to do this hardship, you need to seek out others who knows what you are going through and not pushing you to do things that you are just not ready yet.
Steve is leaving for San Diego next week, my folks are leaving to Washington, and my sister will be in Idaho. I am already trying to figure out what to do with my time. TEK will keep me busy, but one thing I know since I’ve lost you, Keith is it is hard for me to make decisions. I just hope I don’t wind up in the psychiatric ward next week.
I taught the cute sunbeams on Sunday and the lesson was on Families are Forever. I showed them the picture of our picture (that includes Keithy in the clouds) and one child asked how come you are not holding the baby? I kindly said that our baby is with Jesus. They asked how come?. I didn’t want to try and explain saying the word died or asleep, so I just reiterated that Jesus wanted him that he is with him right now. Oh said the child and that answered his questions. If only I could be like a child and be satisfied with that. I want to know why? Why did I pray for something and thought there was another child for me to hold, and this was all I got…was to bury my precious baby. I know that Keith just didn’t need to be tested here on earth, but his Mommy still misses him. Sometimes I wonder why the Lord made mourning so painful at times.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
June 25, 2008
Six months to Christmas and I’m already trying to think of how I can include you in our Christmas celebrations. I have been doing better these last couple of days. Only shedding a few tears rather then buckets. It may be that TEK is keeping me busy, plus the dog, the basement, the husband etc. Steve’s birthday is in two days and we are going to be spending it in Cherry Hill. I finally got the picture of all of us at Dana Point together with Keith in the sky. It took me forever. For a while today I just stared at the picture I got of you. Your face, your ears, your ten little fingers and toes. You were perfect. I’m allowing myself to change but ironically it isn’t how I thought it would be. I thought I’d be involved in the SHARE group, but twice I’ve tried to attend their meeting, the first I goofed, the second time they did. I really like to surround myself with others who know how to loose a child. I’m busy reading articles on the internet. Searching for books. I look back at my life prior to loosing you and wonder how stupid I must have been to not of understood how painful grieving over a baby would or could be. Sometimes I just wish other people could experience this hole in my heart for a day, then maybe maybe they would be a little more understanding. My life is forever changed and I can take on anything or at least it seems now, I have lost a child.
June 26, 2008
I went to the temple last Saturday and while I was performing sealings and leaning against the altar, I felt an adult gentleman standing behind me and he placed his hand on my shoulder. I’m not certain who it was, I thought I should be feeling a baby, but instead I felt the presence of a grown man. In heaven you take on an adult size spirit and body, so maybe that was him. I still think he is my baby. I yearn to hold him, but maybe he is holding me? Something must be keeping me going on this earth. Keith is far more perfect then I am. I am being tested here on earth. He has ‘The crown without the conflict’. For the marriage sealings I was performing I was praying that they could be comforting my baby. I still refer to him as my baby, but need to realize that he has his perfect adult form and spirit. One day I know I will get to raise him, but in the meantime I am learning patience until then.
Jun 29, 2008
Linda Gubler sent me a copy of her journals from when she had a stillborn. She had copied some quotes from Brigham Young, Bruce R. Meconkie regarding stillbirths and these children we can raise in the resurrection. I have no doubt that I will see Keith and be able to raise him again. It’s just the wait inbetween and the grief that I am dealing with now to get over. Anyways, Linda gave a list of the events of his son’s short life, and I thought I would do that here.
On Dec 13, 2007 I went to my Ob for my annual check up, we had been trying to conceive, but I had taken a pregnancy test on Dec 9 and it was negative so I didn’t think I was pregnant. Just in case, the nurse gave me another pregnancy test and I still remember her opening the door to my room and peaking her head around the door and saying ‘Do you know that test was positive’? I was so excited. I waited until that evening after the kids were in bed to tell Steve. Since we had lost baby Angel, I didn’t want it to happen again by telling them too early. I told Steve that we needed to have the basement done by mid August and he was asking me why then. I told him that was when the baby was due. He was surprised, shocked, and overwhelmed all at once.
On Jan 10, 2008, I went to my Ob appt and saw this beautiful heartbeat just a pounding away. I was given the due date of August 20 for you. We told the kids who couldn’t keep their mouths shut. They told friends, teachers, primary, grandparents etc. They were all excited about your arrival! Eric would come and kiss my tummy. Kayla told everyone she was going to be a big sister. I was given the option (mainly due to my age) to have a geneticist to some additional checking on the baby. Needless to say, I accepted. I am all for health and safety in protecting my babies.
January 30, 2008 I got to have an ultrasound performed in the maternal fetal medicine department at McKay Dee Hospital. Steve came too. The tech (Angie Jones) was a lady in our ward so it was kind of fun to share our exciting news with her. She took a picture of you that she thought you maybe a boy, but I was holding out (wanting a girl). You were sooo cute wiggling around. Plus Steve and I saw several friends, including Julie Madsen (who was later the tech on the labor and delivery day when I delivered you), Suzie Graves and Sandra Dahl from the Wilson 2nd ward, and a previous coworker. I loved that ultrasound day. I even volunteered to participate in a study down at the U of U for pregnant women
On February 7, 2008, I went to my 12 week appt to hear your heartbeat with the Doppler. The sounds of reassurance as I had called it. Dr. Lesser said my blood work and my ultrasound looked like a perfect pregnancy. To say the least, I was walking on water. The first AFP test was ordered for end of February.
On March 6, 2008 I went for my 16 week appt. I heard your precious little heartbeat. And then Dr. Lesser said that your AFP test was high. She thought I had taken it too early and requested that I take it again. I did only to find out it was high again. A high AFP test meant a possibility for neural tube defects, prematurity, and the one word I never remember reading until after May 4, a stillbirth.
On March 27, I had my big ultrasound appt at the maternal fetal medicine. I recorded this ultrasound and have watched you moving many many times all through it. They checked you for neural tube defects (spina bifida, opening in the stomach). All was good. I saw the four chambers of your heart just pounding a way. Early on the tech paused to check your kidneys and there it was on the big screen for all to see. Your penis. You were a boy! I even made her check again, you were a beautiful healthy baby boy. The perinatalogist came in who said all looks good on the ultrasound. He said my AFP test score really wasn’t that high, less than a tenth high, so not to worry. The AFP test is a commonly false positive. Again we saw friends, Julie Madsen, Becky Roundy from West Haven who said we were doing it Roundy style (3 boys and 1 girl), Andrea Dahl and Suzie Graves from Wilson 2nd ward. I was walking on water. I bought 3 bubble gum cigarettes for your siblings and gave them a treasure hunt to find them and to find out you were a boy. Then I showed them the ultrasound and pointed out your penis. Kayla’s reaction was “Penis, I wanted a girl.” She was ticked. I had asked her several times if she wanted a brother or a sister and she always said how she had brothers. Little did she realize that girls are sisters and boys are brothers. Another happy day along the pregnancy with you.
On April 6, 2008 I went to my 20 week appt. I told Dr. Lesser that I wasn’t feeling you kicking much. She told me in the next month as you gain additional cartilage I would feel you more. She checked your heartbeat on the Doppler which was a perfect 150 beats per minute. She reviewed the big ultrasound results and said that all was looking good and not to worry. I was a one happy Momma walking on water.
Over the next couple of weeks I was kind of emotional. I seemed to be more hormonal then normal pregnant mom even. I had set out all your baby clothes. I had purchased a high chair and a bunch of baby clothes for you. I still haven’t been able to look at those boxes and seeing the high chair brings me to tears. I knew that you would be our last child, so I gave all of my girl clothes to Curt & Steph who were having a little girl.
I recall lying on our microfiber green couch in the bonus room and feeling you kick. It was very light and very sporadic. I loved my little secret. You were so cute. I made a path for the bathrooms visits at night so I wouldn’t have to touch the cold tile. On April 27 I noticed I wasn’t getting up to use the bathroom. During those last few days of April, I wasn’t feeling you kick and I wasn’t getting up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Honestly I just thought you had switched positions and were not lying on my bladder. I would go to bed lie on my side and push a little and I thought, I truly thought I felt you move….If only I knew what lied ahead.
On May 1 2008, I went to your appt. I noticed from the scales that I had only gained two pounds in the last month. I didn’t worry too much. I was called back to my room and told the nurse I just need to hear your heartbeat. She told me that at anytime I needed to feel reassurance to come in. Then Dr. Lesser came in and I told her how wasn’t feeling you move. She then looked at my chart and told me how I had a anterior placenta and you didn’t have much cartilage and was still quite small and not to worry. I relaxed for a moment and she said now let’s listen to that sweet heartbeat. As she was searching she said to be patient due to the anterior placenta it is difficult to find. I knew that she didn’t have a problem even when I was only twelve weeks along finding the heart beat. Afterwards, she said never mind, let’s go take a look on the ultrasound. Before I even had my pants pulled up I was heading to the ultrasound room. I lied there and she began looking at you. It didn’t take even five seconds to realize that you were not breathing. I started to say “No” and started to hyperventilate. Dr. Lesser said real quietly, that I was of the minority and that you had passed away. She asked me when I last felt for surely your movement. I knew it was one week or longer ago. She then said I probably lost you around 23 weeks or so. She apologized to me. I was crying my heart out. I said “That you were the child we prayed for”. And Dr. Lesser said that the hardest part of life is “Thy will be done”. She hugged me as I tried to figure what had happened these last few minutes.
From that moment on the grieving for you began and is still going on. I wrote you a birth letter that goes through the moments from May 1 –May 8 that I have in the family album. I continue to type the grieving moments, so I can continue to see who and how I have changed. Yes, I am still crying as I type this.
July 1, 2008
Well I am actually feeling somewhat normal. Maybe that is because I had a nervous breakdown yesterday. I feel I can deal with my loss better today. We have been trying to get the basement done and between that and Keith’s death, I am stressed beyond measures. I am realizing that their will be tough times ahead and I need to make a reserve bank for myself to handle everything. Steve and I had a good conversation yesterday. We talked about how we want to feel Keith and teach TEK about bringing Keith’s spirit to our home. I have heard people that have lost children how they have dreams, so I am hoping to be able to dream (and remember) about Keith. I can tell that I still have much anger about some of the comments people have said to me and I must continue through this miserable grieving before I can have peace. I am loving the woman who I have become through each of my children and particularly you.
July 8, 2008
I think everyone else has been able to move on except me. Steve told people yesterday that we were great. Obviously I wasn’t included in that ‘How are you guys doing?’ I haven’t been great since April. Nobody else knew that it was your 2 month anniversary of your Angel day on Independence Day. I’m sure no one except for me came a visited your grave. Nobody even asks me how I am doing. I think people try to avoid me. On Sunday, there was a baby blessing and the couple (our crummy neighbors) kept saying how blessed they were and how they don’t worry if something happens to them, because families are forever. Well let them try to have their family separate from earth and heaven and see how happy they are. I sat in my primary class room for an hour just trying to gain composure. Della Coombs tried to comfort me, I appreciated that. I still won’t look at my niece, Morgan. It isn’t right for me to have to hear or see a baby when I can never see mine until I die. It just isn’t fair. My brain knows you are in a better place, but just don’t try and tell my heart. It still aches for you. TEK all beared their testimony and talked about how they believe in angels. I doubt half of the ward even knew about your existence and that TEK really did get the opportunity to hold an angel on May 4, 2008. I keep praying that I will have a vision or feel of your presence, but the only time I truly felt you near me was in the temple, and I am not sure if it was you. I had a dream (nightmare) that I had another stillbirth. I hadn’t even gotten over you and now I was grieving again for another loss. It just isn’t fair. I know life wasn’t suppose to be fair, but damnit it sure would be nice if it was.
July 16, 2008
Hey it is been a while since I wrote. Ihave been busy lately with the kids, plus I am working today trying to get a neighbor who lost her son and her mom in a tragic accident. Service to others is really helping with the grief. I think I may be down, and I realize that others have it even harder. I am writing a letter who lost her 5 mos old son by accidentally leaving him in the car. The grief alone must be unbearable, I cannot imagine the media, and the guilt that she must be facing. My heart goes out to her. Other then I can’t decide if I want to be involved in my husbands family anymore, life is going good. I met someone the other day who knew I was pregnant, but didn’t know of Keith’s death. I was able to talk to her without crying. I told her I enjoyed talking about him, I didn’t want him to be forgotten. I feel blessed that TEK have more of an understanding of eternal families and how fragile life is because of their precious baby brother, Keith. I read a short quote that went on with the book, ‘I love you forever’. It is “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”. It is a good way to end todays journal writing.
Six months to Christmas and I’m already trying to think of how I can include you in our Christmas celebrations. I have been doing better these last couple of days. Only shedding a few tears rather then buckets. It may be that TEK is keeping me busy, plus the dog, the basement, the husband etc. Steve’s birthday is in two days and we are going to be spending it in Cherry Hill. I finally got the picture of all of us at Dana Point together with Keith in the sky. It took me forever. For a while today I just stared at the picture I got of you. Your face, your ears, your ten little fingers and toes. You were perfect. I’m allowing myself to change but ironically it isn’t how I thought it would be. I thought I’d be involved in the SHARE group, but twice I’ve tried to attend their meeting, the first I goofed, the second time they did. I really like to surround myself with others who know how to loose a child. I’m busy reading articles on the internet. Searching for books. I look back at my life prior to loosing you and wonder how stupid I must have been to not of understood how painful grieving over a baby would or could be. Sometimes I just wish other people could experience this hole in my heart for a day, then maybe maybe they would be a little more understanding. My life is forever changed and I can take on anything or at least it seems now, I have lost a child.
June 26, 2008
I went to the temple last Saturday and while I was performing sealings and leaning against the altar, I felt an adult gentleman standing behind me and he placed his hand on my shoulder. I’m not certain who it was, I thought I should be feeling a baby, but instead I felt the presence of a grown man. In heaven you take on an adult size spirit and body, so maybe that was him. I still think he is my baby. I yearn to hold him, but maybe he is holding me? Something must be keeping me going on this earth. Keith is far more perfect then I am. I am being tested here on earth. He has ‘The crown without the conflict’. For the marriage sealings I was performing I was praying that they could be comforting my baby. I still refer to him as my baby, but need to realize that he has his perfect adult form and spirit. One day I know I will get to raise him, but in the meantime I am learning patience until then.
Jun 29, 2008
Linda Gubler sent me a copy of her journals from when she had a stillborn. She had copied some quotes from Brigham Young, Bruce R. Meconkie regarding stillbirths and these children we can raise in the resurrection. I have no doubt that I will see Keith and be able to raise him again. It’s just the wait inbetween and the grief that I am dealing with now to get over. Anyways, Linda gave a list of the events of his son’s short life, and I thought I would do that here.
On Dec 13, 2007 I went to my Ob for my annual check up, we had been trying to conceive, but I had taken a pregnancy test on Dec 9 and it was negative so I didn’t think I was pregnant. Just in case, the nurse gave me another pregnancy test and I still remember her opening the door to my room and peaking her head around the door and saying ‘Do you know that test was positive’? I was so excited. I waited until that evening after the kids were in bed to tell Steve. Since we had lost baby Angel, I didn’t want it to happen again by telling them too early. I told Steve that we needed to have the basement done by mid August and he was asking me why then. I told him that was when the baby was due. He was surprised, shocked, and overwhelmed all at once.
On Jan 10, 2008, I went to my Ob appt and saw this beautiful heartbeat just a pounding away. I was given the due date of August 20 for you. We told the kids who couldn’t keep their mouths shut. They told friends, teachers, primary, grandparents etc. They were all excited about your arrival! Eric would come and kiss my tummy. Kayla told everyone she was going to be a big sister. I was given the option (mainly due to my age) to have a geneticist to some additional checking on the baby. Needless to say, I accepted. I am all for health and safety in protecting my babies.
January 30, 2008 I got to have an ultrasound performed in the maternal fetal medicine department at McKay Dee Hospital. Steve came too. The tech (Angie Jones) was a lady in our ward so it was kind of fun to share our exciting news with her. She took a picture of you that she thought you maybe a boy, but I was holding out (wanting a girl). You were sooo cute wiggling around. Plus Steve and I saw several friends, including Julie Madsen (who was later the tech on the labor and delivery day when I delivered you), Suzie Graves and Sandra Dahl from the Wilson 2nd ward, and a previous coworker. I loved that ultrasound day. I even volunteered to participate in a study down at the U of U for pregnant women
On February 7, 2008, I went to my 12 week appt to hear your heartbeat with the Doppler. The sounds of reassurance as I had called it. Dr. Lesser said my blood work and my ultrasound looked like a perfect pregnancy. To say the least, I was walking on water. The first AFP test was ordered for end of February.
On March 6, 2008 I went for my 16 week appt. I heard your precious little heartbeat. And then Dr. Lesser said that your AFP test was high. She thought I had taken it too early and requested that I take it again. I did only to find out it was high again. A high AFP test meant a possibility for neural tube defects, prematurity, and the one word I never remember reading until after May 4, a stillbirth.
On March 27, I had my big ultrasound appt at the maternal fetal medicine. I recorded this ultrasound and have watched you moving many many times all through it. They checked you for neural tube defects (spina bifida, opening in the stomach). All was good. I saw the four chambers of your heart just pounding a way. Early on the tech paused to check your kidneys and there it was on the big screen for all to see. Your penis. You were a boy! I even made her check again, you were a beautiful healthy baby boy. The perinatalogist came in who said all looks good on the ultrasound. He said my AFP test score really wasn’t that high, less than a tenth high, so not to worry. The AFP test is a commonly false positive. Again we saw friends, Julie Madsen, Becky Roundy from West Haven who said we were doing it Roundy style (3 boys and 1 girl), Andrea Dahl and Suzie Graves from Wilson 2nd ward. I was walking on water. I bought 3 bubble gum cigarettes for your siblings and gave them a treasure hunt to find them and to find out you were a boy. Then I showed them the ultrasound and pointed out your penis. Kayla’s reaction was “Penis, I wanted a girl.” She was ticked. I had asked her several times if she wanted a brother or a sister and she always said how she had brothers. Little did she realize that girls are sisters and boys are brothers. Another happy day along the pregnancy with you.
On April 6, 2008 I went to my 20 week appt. I told Dr. Lesser that I wasn’t feeling you kicking much. She told me in the next month as you gain additional cartilage I would feel you more. She checked your heartbeat on the Doppler which was a perfect 150 beats per minute. She reviewed the big ultrasound results and said that all was looking good and not to worry. I was a one happy Momma walking on water.
Over the next couple of weeks I was kind of emotional. I seemed to be more hormonal then normal pregnant mom even. I had set out all your baby clothes. I had purchased a high chair and a bunch of baby clothes for you. I still haven’t been able to look at those boxes and seeing the high chair brings me to tears. I knew that you would be our last child, so I gave all of my girl clothes to Curt & Steph who were having a little girl.
I recall lying on our microfiber green couch in the bonus room and feeling you kick. It was very light and very sporadic. I loved my little secret. You were so cute. I made a path for the bathrooms visits at night so I wouldn’t have to touch the cold tile. On April 27 I noticed I wasn’t getting up to use the bathroom. During those last few days of April, I wasn’t feeling you kick and I wasn’t getting up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Honestly I just thought you had switched positions and were not lying on my bladder. I would go to bed lie on my side and push a little and I thought, I truly thought I felt you move….If only I knew what lied ahead.
On May 1 2008, I went to your appt. I noticed from the scales that I had only gained two pounds in the last month. I didn’t worry too much. I was called back to my room and told the nurse I just need to hear your heartbeat. She told me that at anytime I needed to feel reassurance to come in. Then Dr. Lesser came in and I told her how wasn’t feeling you move. She then looked at my chart and told me how I had a anterior placenta and you didn’t have much cartilage and was still quite small and not to worry. I relaxed for a moment and she said now let’s listen to that sweet heartbeat. As she was searching she said to be patient due to the anterior placenta it is difficult to find. I knew that she didn’t have a problem even when I was only twelve weeks along finding the heart beat. Afterwards, she said never mind, let’s go take a look on the ultrasound. Before I even had my pants pulled up I was heading to the ultrasound room. I lied there and she began looking at you. It didn’t take even five seconds to realize that you were not breathing. I started to say “No” and started to hyperventilate. Dr. Lesser said real quietly, that I was of the minority and that you had passed away. She asked me when I last felt for surely your movement. I knew it was one week or longer ago. She then said I probably lost you around 23 weeks or so. She apologized to me. I was crying my heart out. I said “That you were the child we prayed for”. And Dr. Lesser said that the hardest part of life is “Thy will be done”. She hugged me as I tried to figure what had happened these last few minutes.
From that moment on the grieving for you began and is still going on. I wrote you a birth letter that goes through the moments from May 1 –May 8 that I have in the family album. I continue to type the grieving moments, so I can continue to see who and how I have changed. Yes, I am still crying as I type this.
July 1, 2008
Well I am actually feeling somewhat normal. Maybe that is because I had a nervous breakdown yesterday. I feel I can deal with my loss better today. We have been trying to get the basement done and between that and Keith’s death, I am stressed beyond measures. I am realizing that their will be tough times ahead and I need to make a reserve bank for myself to handle everything. Steve and I had a good conversation yesterday. We talked about how we want to feel Keith and teach TEK about bringing Keith’s spirit to our home. I have heard people that have lost children how they have dreams, so I am hoping to be able to dream (and remember) about Keith. I can tell that I still have much anger about some of the comments people have said to me and I must continue through this miserable grieving before I can have peace. I am loving the woman who I have become through each of my children and particularly you.
July 8, 2008
I think everyone else has been able to move on except me. Steve told people yesterday that we were great. Obviously I wasn’t included in that ‘How are you guys doing?’ I haven’t been great since April. Nobody else knew that it was your 2 month anniversary of your Angel day on Independence Day. I’m sure no one except for me came a visited your grave. Nobody even asks me how I am doing. I think people try to avoid me. On Sunday, there was a baby blessing and the couple (our crummy neighbors) kept saying how blessed they were and how they don’t worry if something happens to them, because families are forever. Well let them try to have their family separate from earth and heaven and see how happy they are. I sat in my primary class room for an hour just trying to gain composure. Della Coombs tried to comfort me, I appreciated that. I still won’t look at my niece, Morgan. It isn’t right for me to have to hear or see a baby when I can never see mine until I die. It just isn’t fair. My brain knows you are in a better place, but just don’t try and tell my heart. It still aches for you. TEK all beared their testimony and talked about how they believe in angels. I doubt half of the ward even knew about your existence and that TEK really did get the opportunity to hold an angel on May 4, 2008. I keep praying that I will have a vision or feel of your presence, but the only time I truly felt you near me was in the temple, and I am not sure if it was you. I had a dream (nightmare) that I had another stillbirth. I hadn’t even gotten over you and now I was grieving again for another loss. It just isn’t fair. I know life wasn’t suppose to be fair, but damnit it sure would be nice if it was.
July 16, 2008
Hey it is been a while since I wrote. Ihave been busy lately with the kids, plus I am working today trying to get a neighbor who lost her son and her mom in a tragic accident. Service to others is really helping with the grief. I think I may be down, and I realize that others have it even harder. I am writing a letter who lost her 5 mos old son by accidentally leaving him in the car. The grief alone must be unbearable, I cannot imagine the media, and the guilt that she must be facing. My heart goes out to her. Other then I can’t decide if I want to be involved in my husbands family anymore, life is going good. I met someone the other day who knew I was pregnant, but didn’t know of Keith’s death. I was able to talk to her without crying. I told her I enjoyed talking about him, I didn’t want him to be forgotten. I feel blessed that TEK have more of an understanding of eternal families and how fragile life is because of their precious baby brother, Keith. I read a short quote that went on with the book, ‘I love you forever’. It is “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”. It is a good way to end todays journal writing.
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