September 19, 2008

We are camping at Willard bay park in our new tent trailer. TEK has been so excited. We were still unloading and Trevor and Eric found a garter snake. It looks like it is going to be a cold night. We’ll see if we survive. If we don’t, I know of two special angels on the other side waiting for me and I am anxiously awaiting our reunion. For some reason it has been an emotional day. Some days it just feels good to cry and today was one of those days. I’ve been looking into adoption, and just don’t think it is going to be for us. I have told people, that I would be interested in adopting a little girl around 18 months. I don’t want to spend $35,000 and wait 3 years to go to China and adopt, but I just can’t think that this was my final baby. I miss Keith and Angel and I just hate to end on this note. Yet, TEK need me and I need them. Yesterday at dinner I was asking them if they were glad Keith was in our family even if it was for a short time. Trevor said how he has grown because of Keith and looks forward to meeting his brother. Eric said how Keith helps him every day when he has a problem. Kayla is constantly making cards, pictures etc for Keith to take to the cemetery. Here I was thinking that Keith caused a hole in them. Yet they chose to take the positive road. Boy, could I learn from them. Right now, I’m full of bitterness to Heavenly Father for not answering my prayers of ‘what now’. I keep thinking Keith’s death wasn’t in vain, but what am I suppose to be or do with this new woman I am because of Keith?
This week was also baby Angels due date one year ago. I should have a one year old running around, but I don’t. I should have a newborn to hold, but I don’t. I have a mind full of questions and want answers to what I should do with this new found knowledge I hold. In case you can’t tell, patience is a virtue I lack incredibly. Only the future knows, but I just can’t wait a month, let alone a year, or even a eternity. This must be God’s way of forcing patience within me.

September 24,

I just read the news article of the sentencing of the man that took the lives of my neighbors baby boy and mother. He received just 6 months and a misdemeanor for vehicular manslaughter. Fortunately his license is suspended for life. The sad thing that she says is that he has never apologized. Why is it so hard to just say, listen I screwed up and apologize! If it sounds any better I’m feel fortunate that I did not have to go through a trial that took over a year to come to. Hopefully the healing can begin. Her grieve has been to intense for too long thanks to this horrible man. I order three more books today about stillbirth, moving on, and one called Big George. I still wear the necklace that I purchased in memory of baby Angel and that holds the bracelet that Keith was buried in. I’ve worn it every day. I’m also still considering getting a tattoo with Keith’s name in a blue heart. I just want to make sure I find a place that doesn’t give me hepatitis. That’s all I need, more medical and emotional problems. One thing I notice that helps me is when I exercise. It truly helps my emotional stress. If I was to encourage anybody dealing with this is to exercise. I’m sitting watching the boy’s gymnastics class wondering if Keithey would have been a gymnast. The ‘What might have beens’ are so hard some times. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with Angie, I hope I can just listen and let her vent the pain and agony she has had to go through with this trial. My heart and prayers go out to her.

October 1, 2008

I copy this from Word and place on my blog. This is my journal and also my way of sharing the grieving of my baby boy Keith Perry Merkley born on May 4, 2008. I also want to share it, but can only imagine how confusing to the reader of the blog. I’m working on getting involved with the Utah Share group. Also, Pat Wimpie from NILMDTS helped me get a beautiful 11x14 picture of our family including Keith at the one month tribute held to him in Dana Point, California. How am I healing? Well depends on the day. Some days are fine, then there are the rest of the days of the month. Steve told me yesterday he’d like to try again. I am in shock. I’m the one that is usually baby hungry not him and I don’t know why he is saying he’s ready to try. I know it is partly out of easing my pain, but not all of it. I love my husband and he hasn’t told be why now he wants to try again. Does he feel there is another one? I don’t think I am ready to try….yet. I can’t bury another baby! I don’t want the same outcome of my last two pregnancies (miscarriage, stillbirth). Am I ready to be considered a high risk pregnancy? Am I ready to fear each day if this child’s heart has stopped beating? I just can’t do it..yet. Why all of a sudden did my husband tell me he is ready to start trying? Is there another one for our family.