October 2008

Oct 29, 2008
Surprisingly today I have a lot of endorphins. I think that is the stuff that makes you happy. So I thought I better write something happy, since I rarely do. I was talking to someone how my children (TEK aka Trevor, Eric, & Kayla) were getting big so fast. And then I pondered how my Keithy boy will always be my baby. I’ll never see him walk, talk, laugh, cry. I’ll remember holding him while he was still. Any parent can tell you that holding a sleeping child is a remarkable moment, because it feels like you are holding an angel. Well holding Keith on May 4, 2008 I know I was holding an angel. What an honor for me, his Mother to give birth to an angel that did not need to come to this earth. Now don’t get me wrong, I miss him terribly. But in the much larger perspective of life beyond death Keith-you are an inspiration to me, to many others, to all who may read this. I look forward to the day of our reunion. Forever and always your Mommy!
Something I do in my personal journal, but since now this is my journal, I’d like to continue to document the moments or talents of my children. So when I wonder why they grew up so fast I can look back and reflect on ‘moments in time’.
T: (9) loves school, weather (describes the clouds), excited to see High School Musical 3. He is a race car driver for Halloween (Jeff Gordon I think). He is still the tease, but is also helpful when I yell.
E: (7) loves sports, right now his loves is football, loves to go through with Dad especially when Dad bets money (cause Dad always looses), yugi-oh and poke-mon. Eric is the computer guru-for him we place time limits especially now with high speed internet at home (finally). Eric is a ninja for Halloween. I didn’t know how to dress him up like Jaden on Yugi-oh.
K: (4) definitely the girl, loves to sing and impersonate her preschool teachers at circle time or at nap time (down to the flip flops), can do the chicken dance better then anyone I know. She’s a princess for Halloween again for the third year in a row. Different costumes, but once a princess always a princess.

October 22, 2008
I have been doing good for sometime and just lost it yesterday. I couldn’t take care of myself let alone TEK. Poor Steve had to make dinner and get them ready for bed. I usually don’t feel that depressed, but I do. I’m frustrated how long it takes me to do anything and everything. I felt bad, usually I can handle cooking, but not yesterday. It probably had something to do with my monthly, Steve wanting to try, and I don’t. I am not going to bury another child. Do I want another? I don’t know. I feel better about adopting rather then having to endure nine months of pregnancy wondering hey is this child going to make it or not? In some ways I feel like I have been pregnant, trying to be pregnant, and grieving for now two years, and to add on another year to that seems unbearable. I think God just likes to toy with my emotions. For the longest time I have felt so strong that there was one more child, yet this is how my prayers are answered with a miscarriage and stillbirth.
I’m watching the boys in gymnastics while I’m typing this and listening to these two women just yak and yak. They’re talking about their pregnancies and how tough they are. Well try it the other way and loose the child and see how difficult it is. These two ladies I’d classify as the fake Mormon ladies who just think they are so perfect and righteous, only problem is they haven’t truly experienced life. Do they really know what it is like to bury a baby? Do they know what true grief is or is that when they lost their shopping list. If only all I had to do was conceive a child then I could get pregnant. But I have to deal with the thoughts that this one I might have to bury too. What a bunch of fakes. And too think I was once one of those ladies. Yuck! Man, if you could listen to the faker lady talking about 100 miles per hour about me me me me and my pregnancies and my perfect children. Give me a barph bag now!
I would truly like Steve to consider adoption, but he doesn’t think that is right for us. He doesn’t want to push me into pregnancy, but I sure don’t feel right. I recall reading that you’re ready to try when the risk of loosing one weighs less then the thought of trying again. I doubt I’ll ever be there.

October 16, 2008
We have journeyed to Hanksville, Utah. Not much here, in fact the campground is rather ugly. Unfortunately I didn’t realize how many families like to camp in Goblin Valley. We went to Goblin Valley this evening and boy what a blast it was! TEK and Steve and I played hide and seek. It was so fun to hide in the crevices and climb on the rock formations. We loved it. We’re going back tomorrow for a hike down into wild horse slot canyon and then to play hide n seek in the daylight. Boy I was spooked in the night even with flashlights. We’re having a great time. Wish you were here with me. But as we were walking tonight and I saw the full moon I could just imagine you and baby Angel playing together. It reminded me of the Sesame Street song about if I could go to the moon on a rocketship high in the air etc. It’s like that I would love to go to the moon to be closer to Keith and Angel, but I don’t want to live there, because I need to be here with TEK and Dad. They need me and this earth needs all the help we can get. I wish you could be here with me. I miss you. Trevor and I bore my testimony in church this past Sunday. It was hard, but I felt that I needed to. After spending last Saturday at the Share walk to remember. I’m never going to forget you and I’ll look forward to our reunion, but for now here on earth is where I will be with TEK and Steve. I love Keith and Angel, God bless our love.

October 8, 2008
Well I just snapped at your brothers pretty bad. I don’t know why I am having a hard day and I just so badly want answers from my Heavenly Father of why he has done this and why I can’t get over this. I feel bad for taking it out on Trevor and Eric, although they had it coming. Today it just seems like the weight of this loss overburdening me. What is Heavenly Father wanting me to become of this? All I see in me is a woman who is more likely to loose it easier then before. I am realizing even at work I cannot accomplish as much as I used to. I’m just fed up today and am unfortunately taking it out on the ones I love the most.
This weekend is the walk in remembrance of the babies we have lost. I am looking forward to Steve and TEK coming. Hoping it will remind them to carry on and perservere. Too bad I can’t teach myself that. It’s just been a very difficult day dealing with Keithy. I miss him sooo much. Why couldn’t God take a baby away from a child abuser, murderer, drug user etc. Why did he have to take mine? The child I have prayed for for over two years! The child I already purchased new clothes and high chair for. We finished our basement for crying out loud for our growing family! I had already planned on savings account for his college like I did his siblings. Why Heavenly Father? Why Keith? Not that I would have liked you any better if you would have taken TEK, but why now, why Keith? What am I suppose to learn from this? Is there another child? I wish someone could answer my questions. Is anybody out there capable of answering these questions please let me know. It just hurts so bad and when is it going to get any better.