August 27, 2008
Believe me it is not that I am doing any better, I’m just so busy, I can’t write in ways of trying to grieve or heal. I survived the due date (August 20)….barely. I almost lost my now hated job, spoke to my doctor about getting medicated, and contemplated the rest of my life. I have had to go back to work, which I didn’t think would be as hard as it was. I went to a Share meeting with a neighbor of mine who lost her Mom and baby boy in a car accident. Getting the kids back in school too was emotional. I had to make the decision about charter school vs public school (go public school-that’s where my boys are). Steve started his new principal (public school) job and is overwhelmed. Kayla is happy to be back in school, although was scared for preschool today. That’s ok I love being the Mommy. I’m trying to decide if I want to try to have another child. My baby hungry craves have ended. I only want one particular baby and I had to bury him. I think that would stop anybody from being baby hungry having to go through the painful ordeal of burying a child. I’m back to sleeping with Keith’s blanket. I told Eric that that was my comfort object (as he still likes his teddy). Our last Share meeting topic was on subsequent choices, and hearing about women who have had to go through pregnancy after loss just still sounds like way too much for me to handle. We are considering adoption, but as Steve said we don’t want to look and literally just want the child (up to two years of age) to appear on our doorstep. I need to explore these options more. Of good news, our basement is finally through. Maybe next time I will write will be from a psychiatric ward..it’s probably where I am heading.
Aug. 5, 2008
Yesterday I went up to work and realized it had been three months since I delivered you. I had to go in close the door and just let myself loose it for a moment. I found out I am getting my own office and I am so grateful for that. I just need my moments thinking of you. I spoke to the lady I work with and she started to bug me saying how I need to back to work on Aug 18. Two words bite me! I told her I would be in and out that week and feel good with that much. I’m dreading going back to work full time. It will be much easier having my own office with space and time. I should be 38 weeks tomorrow and still I am mourning you. When will it get easier? It seems easier when I am lost in service of others. I made a dinner for a neighbor of mine who had lost her mom and baby in a car accident.
I survived a week without Steve, my parents, or sister. Even on top of that, I was able to watch additional children and work on the basement. I only lost it once when Kayla and Trevor were fighting. I cannot wait until this basement is down. I want to make a tribute shelf to Keith and display all of the memorabilia rather then keeping everything in boxes. I hope to have it ready on Aug 20. I also attended a SHARE picnic last week. That was really good to me to see all the women who too have lost one and could still continue on. It was interesting looking at ways people remembered their children. One had a lock of hair in a capsule and made a necklace, one had a angel tattoo with her child’s name on it, others (like me) had pictures and were too busy caring for their children here on earth. We’re all just trying to persevere through this life with the hope and dream of one day one day meeting our angel babies.
July 23, 2008
People are pushing me. I am just not there yet. My brother is bothered that I haven’t seen his baby. I just can’t look at a newborn yet. I love their baby even though I haven’t met her and I don’t want any danger to happen to her, but I should still be pregnant, 36 weeks to be precise, so how can I look at another baby knowing that I will not be holding my own baby in four more weeks. I’m overhearing these women talking about their pregnancies, and I can’t join them. I am excluded from that group, so why can’t I just exclude myself from the newborn groups too. I want to hold my baby, but I can’t. I got these beautiful pictures developed showing our family with Keith in the clouds. A lady in Oregon created them. This is a woman who she too has a baby angel. No one can even fathom the pain of burying a baby, and no one should. But if you have had to do this hardship, you need to seek out others who knows what you are going through and not pushing you to do things that you are just not ready yet.
Steve is leaving for San Diego next week, my folks are leaving to Washington, and my sister will be in Idaho. I am already trying to figure out what to do with my time. TEK will keep me busy, but one thing I know since I’ve lost you, Keith is it is hard for me to make decisions. I just hope I don’t wind up in the psychiatric ward next week.
I taught the cute sunbeams on Sunday and the lesson was on Families are Forever. I showed them the picture of our picture (that includes Keithy in the clouds) and one child asked how come you are not holding the baby? I kindly said that our baby is with Jesus. They asked how come?. I didn’t want to try and explain saying the word died or asleep, so I just reiterated that Jesus wanted him that he is with him right now. Oh said the child and that answered his questions. If only I could be like a child and be satisfied with that. I want to know why? Why did I pray for something and thought there was another child for me to hold, and this was all I got…was to bury my precious baby. I know that Keith just didn’t need to be tested here on earth, but his Mommy still misses him. Sometimes I wonder why the Lord made mourning so painful at times.