Joy vs Sorrow

March 2, 2009

Now I am getting back to my regular journal writing. Once a month occasional hello I am alive. Three kids, dear husband, work, grieving over two children, trying to decide on other options has been keeping me busy. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at adoption this month. I talked to a dear friend who has adopted and she advised me of a Premier Adoption company down in St George. The only problem is that they mainly focus on newborns. Now if I didn’t have any children, you bet I’d be filling out the paperwork now. But I do have children, five to be precise. Three living and two waiting for me in heaven. I don’t want a newborn. Newbies still scare me. But I really feel there is another child somewhere out there. Ugh! I agree with what Micki told me that my children are too young to take on an older child for adoption. Thus it leaves me with adopting a child between age of 6 mos to 2 years. Not a lot of kids available in that age bracket. I went to the foster care adoption meeting and I have decided I cannot foster. My heart won’t allow it. I carried Keithy with me for 24 weeks and 3 days and I still mourn him every day. I can’t allow children into my hear knowingly that the goal is that they go home. My heart would ache for each of them. But I really want to have my fourth and final child. I’m trying to get the courage to call DCFS and see if they ever allow some parents to adopt as the goal rather then fostering. I already believe I know the answer, so I don’t want to even call.

I don’t want to end this sad, because I post most my journal entries on my grieving blog to show publicly this is what it feels like. I’ve had two friends tell me the scripture “Men are that they might have joy”. And because of my journals, I think people think I’m sad. But that is not true. It has taken me thirtyfive years of my life to really know what joy is. I think loosing Keith taught me that joy is not happy cheerful blogs, it is not looking the best, or smiling all time so I look joyful. It’s the capability of challenging the very existence of each of us on earth. Loosing Keith taught me the real meaning of joy. The Christ like service in others is true joy. I am on the verge of volunteering with other Moms who too have lost babies due to pregnancy and infant loss. That may not be the cheery joy that people think is referred to in the scripture, but that is true Christ like joy. People have much greater sufferings than I all over this world. They too know what true joy is….because they know what sorrow is. Our Savior didn’t turn away anybody and do we question his joy? There is not one picture of our Savior giving the cheesy smile, but I believe he knew what joy was. Service and compassion to others. The joys I have found are the things that have caught me by surprise. I’ve got an amazingly supportive and courageous man in my life I am proud and honored to call him my husband Steve. I never would have imagined loving Motherhood as much as I do. The simple traditions (that are not included on blogs) that we have created is what makes us tick. I have been blessed with the truest and deepest friends. Some that I have had since second grade (almost 30 years). That is joy. My husband and I have both achieved academic goals. We are in many ways as my Mom told me ‘equally yolked’. That is our joy. But our greatest joy is these three children running around our house. How many families chase their kids around the house in their ‘bun buns”? How many read every day with their kids, not because we’re told to because we want to. How many visit the cemetery still weekly so we can know that true joy is not just what is here on earth. How many can look forward for death knowing that there are two children waiting for us. What did Steve and I do right to deserve this? To truly truly understand joy you have to know sorrow. God bless you sooo much Keith for teaching me that lesson. My vision is that when I die, the Savior will be holding you and baby Angel. I’ll make eye contact and you two little toddlers will come running to me. With my arms outstretched, I will give you the biggest hug. I’ll fall over (like I do when TEK does this) and we’ll laugh and laugh. Because we know what joy is. I am one of the luckiest women alive. Watch out world….who knows what I’ll do next.

Feb 4, 2009
Happy nine month Angel day. Don’t think I have forgotten about you. Just missing you too much even to type. Pray for me Keith….I need you today. Steve and I are really needing answers to some of the most pivotal questions regarding any future children we may have. Please be with us Keithy and baby Angel.

January 19, 2009

Well happy new year. Life has been so far better than how it ended. I’m on my diet (again), but I gurantee these pounds will not be with me at the end of this year. Work has been keeping me pretty busy. They just announced that WSU will cut 150 jobs. I don’t think I’ll be in that cut, but who knows, the non-tenured track assistant college professor just may be. Besides, if I am, I have better things to do with my time. I’ll just miss the benefits that WSU has given me.
It’s been a difficult couple of days. Yesterday going to church we were surrounded by pregnant ladies or baby carseats. This is what happens when you go to a Mormon church ten minutes late. You sit by all the late people. I’m switching religions. Anyone know of one that I won’t see pregnant people or baby carseats? But today was definitely the cherry on top. I spent today (Monday, Martin Luther King day) with TEK and Steve tubing at Snowbasin. We had a great time….but like always things changed. Steve’s folks came and shared dinner at our house (First time since May, but that was ok). They brought K birthday present. They also brought the proofs of the family picture that was taken on Christmas eve. The first time in our fourteen years of marriage that Steve’s siblings were all together. Well all except for the sister in law who didn’t feel good because of her PPD. Well they(my inlaws) informed that they were going to crop in the sis-in-law who didn’t come to the family picture because she is suffering from postpartum depression into the family picture. This is the same in-law who couldn’t come to Keith’s graveside because her baby would have died too. Gosh I hope I don’t suffer from PPD because she did and huh, I think that was the same reasoning why she didn’t come to the funeral for my son Keith. Anyways, Steve mentioned to his parents that if they were cropping in his ‘sis-in-law’, why not crop in our son? My in-laws reply was that they already have a picture of Keith. Don’t they have a picture of her too? You know she deliberately didn’t come to the family picture. I like to think that my son, didn’t have a choice to not be in my family. I miss him every day and all I have is pictures, my necklace, hand/foot molds, and my hoodie from Oct 15 walk to remind me of him. And they want to call it a family picture without my son? I would have been fine if they weren’t going to crop anybody in, but if you’re going to go the extra effort to crop in my husbands ‘sis-in-law’, then you better crop in the most perfect child this family will or would have ever known. Never in this life will I hear my son Keith’s coo or cry. I will never again be able to hold him or walk with him. Heaven just seems to far away to wait for that reunion.
I tend to think I’m doing well, but then this all happens. It’s true one step forward then two steps back. We’ve decided that when I go in to my next Gyn appt the end of this month to schedule an appt to get my tubes tied. I hate to end on this sad note, but TEK need me. I cannot keep focusing on if or when I get pregnant anymore. My husband needs his wife back. TEK need me. More than anything else, I need to regain my life back. Nothing has brought me more happiness then my children nor will. But it is time to close this book of my childbearing years with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart. Besides when I die, I will have the 2 most beautiful children running to me and will wrap their sweet little arms around me and this pain and agony of this earthly life will all have been worth it.

Dec 30

Dec 30
Well I lost whatever I may have had in those short five weeks. I need to share the dream I had on Saturday night. I dreamed that I held a stillborn baby boy. Surprisingly it was not Keith. He was bigger, had a big belly, he was blue, and he was beautiful. When I woke up, I just couldn’t get this out of my mind. Was God trying to tell me I was going to have another stillborn child? I told Steve about it and he was kind enough to stay home from his church meetings that morning. Meanwhile, I got myself going and the kids and I went to church. During sacrament meeting I said a silent prayer, I didn’t have the strength or endurance to handle another stillbirth, if I was going to loose this pregnancy to a stillbirth, I prayed that instead of having another still birth if I could have a miscarriage. I wouldn’t have traded the experience of Keith, but it had physically, emotionally, and mentally drained me of all my energy leaving me just an ounce to raise TEK and carry on with my life. I just couldn’t go through that again. I feel evil for feeling this way and regret this prayer especially since I came home from church and began spotting. Later that night I went and purchased a pregnancy test which was negative. If for any reason this happened because of my prayer, I am sorry. I just know my earthly limits as Heavenly Father must know my heavenly possibilities.
I love all my children so much. Now in my life, I will begin to take better care of myself. No more will I allow my body to go through the pains and strains of pregnancy. I have been pregnant on Christmas for the last three years, none of them (pregnancies) ending with a healthy living infant. I am closing this chapter of my life. I have been blessed so much with all 6 of my children, 3 here on earth and my now 3 angels soaring over me.

December 28, 2008
Well five weeks into the pregnancy and I’m a nervous wreck. I am spotting some brownish discharge. From what I can tell it can just be normal implantation discharge, but I remember this type of discharge at 8 weeks with baby Angel. So I’m nervous and of course it is Sunday, so I’m taking it easy and just calling the doctor tomorrow. I really want to be done with this. I keep saying if this pregnancy doesn’t work I’m done, definitely done. I love TEK with all that I am. Whatever that thought was that there was one more…well I’ll just have to wait for heaven to meet my soaring angels.
Trevor: ribstick (moveable skateboard), army stuff and more
Eric: ribstick, webkinz
Kayla: princess snowglobe, princess tent, princess blanket. She loved her princess lunch at Ariels grotto in Disneyland.

December 22, 2008
I’m pregnant. I can’t believe it. I am in shock. This is my sixth pregnancy, will it give me a healthy living baby? The last two haven’t. How am I going to do this without being a nervous wreck throughout the next 8 ½ months? So much for trying to be done. How can I help other women grieving with stillbirth, when I am going to be pregnant? I don’t ever want to forget baby Angel and Keith. What if I loose this one too? Where will I bury this one if I need to? I get so much peace knowing the Keith and Angel are together, will this one be joining them too? It’s funny yesterday, Eric had to write a sentence using the word think. So he wrote ‘I think my Mom is going to have a baby’. I asked him what made him write that, he said it is just a sentence. It did get me thinking and that is why 30 minutes ago I took a pregnancy test, just to see it positive. I’m still in shock. I love being a Mom and I treasure everyone of my babies. I haven’t even told Steve, I guess I should schedule a Ob appt. Do I dare go back to my same Ob? Do I dare look at another ultrasound? I can’t believe I am doing this again. I am so nervous. It will be due about the same time Keith was due. I’ve been taking my prenatal, but I did use Nyquil last week with a sinus cold. I hope the alcohol in Nyquil doesn’t cause fetal alcohol syndrome. I am a nervous wreck. I can’t believe it…too early to tell others. I am in shock.

Dec 28

A touching sweet poem regarding Christmas in heaven

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees round the world below, With tiny lights, like heavens stars, reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular. Please wipe away your tear, For I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description to here the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart. But I am not so far away we're really not apart.
So be happy for my loved ones, you know I hold you dear.Be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above. I sent you each a memory of my own undying love.
After all, love is the gift more precious than pure gold. It was always most important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep each other, as our father said to do. For I can't count the blessings or the love he has for each of you. So have a merry Christmas and wipe away your tears. Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. Author unknown

This was from just one of the remarkable ladies I have met who too has suffered a great loss. May we all find some peace knowing where our babies are this Christmas. God bless you.

December 19,
Wow has it been this long since my last writing? Let me fill you in. We are in Cedar City tonight staying in a butt ugly motel, but hey it is cheap and we’re leaving first thing in the morning (after the free continental breakfast of course) TEK are just not used to motel life, Kayla keeps asking where is the kitchen and why do we have to walk out of the bathroom to find the sink. I guess they’ve been spoiled from all of our condo styles. Now to fill you in. We are just heading back home from Southern California. We took TEK and my parents (who flew) to Disneyland. We were suppose to meet up with Natalie and her family, but the sunny was missing from Southern Calif and dumped several inches of snow in this area that is not equipped with snow plows, sanders etc to handle. It took them 7 hours from Primm, Nevada to go 45 miles into Fontana, CA wow. Anyways like always, we love Capistrano beach and our nice 2 bedroom 2 bath condo right on the beach. I took the carnation that I had laid on Keiths headstone (from the Angel of hope celebrations) and placed it in the waters of the Pacific ocean. It allows me to envision that his spirit is there within the waters of my favorite place. The kids played in the sand, searched tide pools, swam in the chilly swimming pool, enjoyed San Diego Zoo, and even 2 very wet but fun filled days in Disneyland. I said a prayer today as we were traveling home (first for safety) but second to thank my Father in Heaven for you, Keith. Very very slowly am I seeing a stronger woman than I was before appear. I have 18 plus years of schooling, and I have learned more these last 7 months than I have in my life on what really matters. I am more sympathetic and less worldly. Now don’t get me wrong, I still lack patience (my greatest weakness) but I didn’t ask for Heavenly Father to answer my question if there is another child… Keith exemplifies my life. I would like to be noble enough one day to hold this righteous little baby and thank him for this excruciating and difficult grieving process that I only would have learned through the loss of a child. I love you more and more each day similar to my other children. One day we will be together….one day hopefully far into the distance. For now, I will sleep in this dreary motel with my wonderful sweetheart, and TEK with Keith and Angel watching over us.


November 28, 2008

Well my favorite day of the year has come and gone with financial damage. We tried our best to stimulate the economy, but hey when you are frugal inside out, I’m sure we didn’t make even much of a dent. We are on the frontrunner going down to see the temple lights and it is packed. Again, I had to go through ‘the firsts’. I’ll never get to show my Keithy the temple square lights. I feel fortunate to know where he is and that truly he is in a better place, but I am and will always missing you baby. Until we meet again. Trevor is getting a bb gun for his birthday, Eric got a new bicycle today, and Kayla well she just gets all the girl stuff and that makes her good. I’m trying to go the extra mile and reach to Steve and make sure I am making his holidays good. I love him so much and he too has suffered a tremendous loss and I shouldn’t hamper on his difficulty of the season.

The Thorn without the roses

A very good friend sent this to me and I wanted to share it:

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind.
Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy.
This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her?
For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "
Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you." Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except th e ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers. "Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched - was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special,
I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest. Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with ... uh ... she left with no flowers!" "That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'.
I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk.
"She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son
had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life,
I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel." "So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, 'Why? Why me?!'
It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others." Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?" "Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!" "I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns." Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out. "I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you. What do I owe you?" "Nothing.
Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart.
The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant." Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns. God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you. "Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God." We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and Duct tape. God did it with nails.
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