April 28, 2009

I spent this evening watching Keith’s ultrasound video of his 18 week appt with the perinatalogist. They checked everything. His heart, brain, bladder, diaphragm, bone length, lips, and all was fine last March 27, 2008. Then why did I loose him on May 1, 2009? I miss him and always will. I have registered for fostercare classes. I am absolutely terrified about this (and so is Steve). My birthday present was his agreement to move forward. He’s more petrified than I am and that worries me even more, since he is the positive one in our marriage. I haven’t given up on possibly on international adoption, but it so expensive and so bureaucraticly (2 governments working together) slow. I think I’d be ninety before it would ever be approved.

As I am nearing the one year mark, I have seen great strides. I’ve sadly (against my choice) learned some patience. Now eternity to go. When I die and am entering heaven, I envision my Savior who is initially holding Keith and baby Angel then places him down and Keithy runs to me with my arms out stretch we embrace in the biggest Mama bear hug ever. I am going to start volunteering for Utah Share. And my biggest improvement….I am more Christlike than ever before. As my wonderful husband said in his Easter talk on the Beautitudes, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted”. I want to be like Jesus and help those who mourn.

April 27, 2009

Ok I spent my birthday weekend down in Zions Ponderosa having fun with my family. My brother, his boys, my Sister and her family, my parents, and my family went and we had a blast. It was so nice to just be able to laugh. I needed this getaway. Little do they (my family) know how much I just needed this. Thank you.

April 22, 2009

It has bothered me how some just don’t understand what it feels to loose a child and that I should be hunky dory and be fine and coo and caw over their upcoming pregnancy. I would never wish this pain and agony on my worst enemy, but please allow me to mourn when I need to.

I have just been frustrated since my last GNO and then General Conference about how we should be happy. I am happy. I have a successful marriage, career, five beautiful children (2 in heaven, 3 here on earth), good health, and a future that seems bright. I carry on and most of the time am happy, but damnit if I don’t want to go to a baby shower and coo over baby things on the one year date of the day I found out my baby died, than back off. Also, President Monson, I am questioning your authenticity of the story that you gave. A woman who has buried four children with her ‘wooden spoon’ has the right to move. Of course she has carried on and pressed forward. That’s what all of us who have buried babies do. But allow us the right to mourn when we want without feeling guilt for not be ‘happy’ all the time. And you wonder why the LDS church has such a high rate of depression. Maybe it’s because we don’t have the right to publicly mourn our losses. Read about Richard Paul Evans Mom and how she suffered depression and was not allowed to mourn her stillborn daughter. A very good friend told me that sixty years ago people who were mourning wore black to show. Her psychologist said it takes on average two years to mourn a loss of a child. I’m a real Mom, I miss my son. And to my dearest girl scout friends who are unable to understand my loss. I’m happy that you don’t have to go through this. Please allow me the space to grieve when I need to.

April 15, 2009

I have been touched that my parents remembered Keith this Easter and placed beautiful lilies on his grave. I really needed that. Others haven’t forgotten him. Thank you Mom & Dad for your support. You don’t know how much I needed that. Love you both. Please don't go on a mission. I need you here.

April 7, 2009

I am sitting in the Las Vegas airport with Trevor. I had a presentation at the Hilton with two coworkers (Lloyd & Dick). I can tell you one thing, it is easier to present with men than women. Trevor came down and we had a blast. We toured the strip, went swimming, and did the Knights of the Round table show. We were in the evil Dragon group. We sat on the front row. IT was a blast eating with our fingers cheering for the evil dragon. He is a fun kid to be with. I hope to have many many trips with my kids. Individually and as a group. I’m surprised with myself, flying in, taking a taxi, organizing the presentation, motel, info and shows for Trevor. It’s been great and not too hot here in Viva Las Vegas. I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do for Keith’s first angel anniversary. What I have done so far is we got six painted lady caterpillars that we’re watching transform in to a butterfly. We will release them at the cemetery either before or on Keiths angel day, depending when the butterflies are ready. I will be making the mother’s bracelets with the Utah SHARE. That will give me something special to wear from all of my children on Mothers day. We’ll probably place flowers, sing happy angel day, and maybe have TEK blow out a candle for Keithy. We still do miss him and always will. But it does give me something to look forward to in heaven. Besides I am living a life worth living for me and my precious baby Keith (and Angel too). God has something stored for me, now it is up to me to find out how to be listening to him. Have I mentioned how much I love being a wife to a fantastic man, a Mom to three beautiful earthly kids and two heavenly angels. I’ve got good family. I am blessed.

March 11, 2009

Hooray, it’s spring break. I am using this week to get caught up in the million things I am behind. I am co-publishing a HIM prep guide exam book. Until today, it has been alright. Now it is the death of me. I thought my computer crashed on me without me saving the changes. I cussed every word in the book. Anyways, as you can tell I’m typing and my computer is fine….for now. I am presenting at a conference in Las Vegas on online learning with two fellow faculty members. I’m responsible for the data and need to start creating the presentation. How the hell I got in charge of this I’m not sure. I’m trying to be crafty and make these book marks for fellow Mommies who have lost babies. It’s not working out without it’s own problems too. Of course, I’m still head of the house or at least the inside work of it. Plus, trying to get Kayla ready for Kindergarten. We had shots this week. She pulled out the needle. I couldn’t believe how fast she was. Trevor got his hair frosted (blonde on top), he thinks he is so cool. He does look good. Eric is doing alright. Steve and I are working extra hard on his reading. We just can’t seem to get himself motivated to read. Oh and of course, I still get down whenever I see anyone with a baby and I don’t have mine. So if you can’t tell, this spring break is my catch up week. I am still hating my church calling as a pianist. I am so not qualified for it. I love being Mommy, me, and wife to a great man, who too is working hard on his principal intern. Hopefully Keith, Angel, and Heavenly Father will forgive me for outbreaks earlier today. Stress at his best.

Joy vs Sorrow

March 2, 2009

Now I am getting back to my regular journal writing. Once a month occasional hello I am alive. Three kids, dear husband, work, grieving over two children, trying to decide on other options has been keeping me busy. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at adoption this month. I talked to a dear friend who has adopted and she advised me of a Premier Adoption company down in St George. The only problem is that they mainly focus on newborns. Now if I didn’t have any children, you bet I’d be filling out the paperwork now. But I do have children, five to be precise. Three living and two waiting for me in heaven. I don’t want a newborn. Newbies still scare me. But I really feel there is another child somewhere out there. Ugh! I agree with what Micki told me that my children are too young to take on an older child for adoption. Thus it leaves me with adopting a child between age of 6 mos to 2 years. Not a lot of kids available in that age bracket. I went to the foster care adoption meeting and I have decided I cannot foster. My heart won’t allow it. I carried Keithy with me for 24 weeks and 3 days and I still mourn him every day. I can’t allow children into my hear knowingly that the goal is that they go home. My heart would ache for each of them. But I really want to have my fourth and final child. I’m trying to get the courage to call DCFS and see if they ever allow some parents to adopt as the goal rather then fostering. I already believe I know the answer, so I don’t want to even call.

I don’t want to end this sad, because I post most my journal entries on my grieving blog to show publicly this is what it feels like. I’ve had two friends tell me the scripture “Men are that they might have joy”. And because of my journals, I think people think I’m sad. But that is not true. It has taken me thirtyfive years of my life to really know what joy is. I think loosing Keith taught me that joy is not happy cheerful blogs, it is not looking the best, or smiling all time so I look joyful. It’s the capability of challenging the very existence of each of us on earth. Loosing Keith taught me the real meaning of joy. The Christ like service in others is true joy. I am on the verge of volunteering with other Moms who too have lost babies due to pregnancy and infant loss. That may not be the cheery joy that people think is referred to in the scripture, but that is true Christ like joy. People have much greater sufferings than I all over this world. They too know what true joy is….because they know what sorrow is. Our Savior didn’t turn away anybody and do we question his joy? There is not one picture of our Savior giving the cheesy smile, but I believe he knew what joy was. Service and compassion to others. The joys I have found are the things that have caught me by surprise. I’ve got an amazingly supportive and courageous man in my life I am proud and honored to call him my husband Steve. I never would have imagined loving Motherhood as much as I do. The simple traditions (that are not included on blogs) that we have created is what makes us tick. I have been blessed with the truest and deepest friends. Some that I have had since second grade (almost 30 years). That is joy. My husband and I have both achieved academic goals. We are in many ways as my Mom told me ‘equally yolked’. That is our joy. But our greatest joy is these three children running around our house. How many families chase their kids around the house in their ‘bun buns”? How many read every day with their kids, not because we’re told to because we want to. How many visit the cemetery still weekly so we can know that true joy is not just what is here on earth. How many can look forward for death knowing that there are two children waiting for us. What did Steve and I do right to deserve this? To truly truly understand joy you have to know sorrow. God bless you sooo much Keith for teaching me that lesson. My vision is that when I die, the Savior will be holding you and baby Angel. I’ll make eye contact and you two little toddlers will come running to me. With my arms outstretched, I will give you the biggest hug. I’ll fall over (like I do when TEK does this) and we’ll laugh and laugh. Because we know what joy is. I am one of the luckiest women alive. Watch out world….who knows what I’ll do next.