Dear Keith,
After 28 months of having this journal online, I have decided that no more will I share my thoughts and deepest feelings of losing you. I saw on a markee today a sign that said "Grief is the deepest expression of love". Thank you for allowing me to learn this expression. Time has healed so of the pain and now looking forward to the future is a blessing. I will continue to serve in memory of you. You have taught me true compassion. How can I ever begin to thank you for this important lesson in life. I used to think (regard stillbirth) Why me? Now, I am blessed to be included in this group that knows grief so well. God be with you until we meet again and we will meet. I love you. Mom.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
May 31, 2010
Happy day! Sophia May was born on May 27, 2010. Quite the shocker. She was born emergency c/section after decelerated heart rates. Because of my history, I was being monitored quite closely with non stress test and appointments . After helping at K’s kindergarten beach part kindergarten beach party, I met Steve for my twice weekly non stress test. This of course after I ate a hamburger and fry for lunch. Dr. Lesser noticed some decal heart rates. She went and discussed this with the perinatalogist who referred me for a contraction stress test in the labor and delivery. I was told it would take two hours, so Steve to K to work with him. While prepping for the test, I was calling my folks (who were in Washington). I was explaining to my Dad what test and why, when I noticed just a minor Braxton hick contraction with a drastic decrease in heart rate on the computer. Not trying to worry him, I said this doesn’t look good and they may have me deliver. Then two nurses (one being Sandra from our old ward) rushed in saying they were canceling the test and preparing me for a emergency c-section. Dr. Lesser who also saw it called to verify it was accurate (she was shocked that her heart rate dropped so low) and said get Steve back and prepare for emerg c-section. The nurse was to text her when Steve was within 5 minutes of the hospital. I called Steve at work and said NOW come now, they’re rushing me in for emergency c-section. He grabbed K, checked T out of school, got a neighbor to watch them until Steph could come and get them (and E from school), grabbed the cameras and was back at the hospital within 35 minutes. They had already wheeled me into the OR and was giving me the epidural when Steve came in ready for surgery. We just looked at each other with that look what on earth had happened. We said a quick prayer. While on the table, I was praying privately and had a spiritual moment that she would be coming here alive. I felt Keith saying ‘goodbye’ to her. I recalled how hard it was for me to say goodbye to Keith and Angel, and now it was there turn to say goodbye to Sophia. One day we’ll all be together. Keith taught me compassion and true mourning. Sophia taught me faith in life and hope for the future. I love being a Mom to such chosen spirits!
Back to the c/s, I had a shield, so I couldn’t see the c-section, but Steve watched as they cut me open, pulled out my uterus, Dr. other Lesser pressed down on my stomach (ooh I felt that). The anesthesiologist explained what was happening to me as he monitored my vitals (remember I had just eaten). My uterus was then incised and out came a beautiful tiny 3 lb 12 oz, 16 “ little girl. Dr. Lesser let me look at her and then was quickly handed over to the NICU staff. Being our final child, I was happy to get my tubes tied and since I was already cut open, perfect timing.
I was sent to recovery for one hour. Sophia to the NICU. She never needed oxygen. Dr. Lesser thinks the last two weeks my placenta or blood flow between me and baby was just not functioning as well and was glad they caught it….before it was too late. To think I could have lost Sophia as did Keith just tears at me. I spoke to our Bishop and told him how close we came to of loosing her. We know w/ Keith that their was a decrease in blood flow (why…we’ll never know). But she was showing the same signs. We are truly blessed with a miracle. If it wasn’t for Keith, Sophia would never have com. I am so blessed to be a Mom of two boys, two girls, and two angels!
I’m learning the pain and struggles of a NICU baby. I hate being on NICU time, but have not other choice. Yesterday, I had a remarkable nurse who just allowed me to hold Sophie for 3 hours (usually limited to 45 min). I thanked (even wrote a IMC hero card) her and explained how I haven’t wanted to hold a newborn since I lost Keith. So to sit here and hold my newborn daughter was a monumental treasure. Never did I think I’d be 37 and having my daughter 6 years after my other children. Still not sure why the grand entrance Sophie, but I know my Heavenly Father lives and hears my prayers. I’m so glad I have my children. Glad I have my Man, who is truly the best Dad and husband. He is my every other heartbeat.
Happy Memorial day.
Happy 2nd Angel Day Keith on May 4, 2010. For FHE, we had a balloon release and sung happy angel day. In love with you more and more Keith.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
April 4, 2010
Happy Easter. We are traveling on our way home from California. TEK have been so good (so far) long long ride for young active kids. Much has changed since my last writing. We are having a girl. Most likely her name will be Sophia May (after Keith’s angel month), but we continue to think of new names. The due date isstill June 29, but with my terrible rash (PUPP) I am hoping for a earlier due date. Plus my insurance will switch on me end of June an d I don’t want to meet the copay twice. We are excited. I am nervous if I remember all there is about newborns, I am 27 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I’m hoping to make it back to Utah without any prenatal complications. That way, if there are any , I could be transported to a IHC hospital. Yes, 17 years with a company made me bias and I think they give good care. Today is also General conference (and Easter). I’d like to be in Utah where we can listen to KSL as we drive. We bought a timeshare and got to try out their Oceanside unit. I might say, I’d take Capistrano beach any day over Oceanside, but at least we were only 25 minutes away from Dana Point, and of course we went there. I sat on the beach and watched the high waves, a sea lion, Kayla playing in the water. Steve took Eric and Trevor on search of tide pools. It has been an enjoyable trip. I had a conference in Las Vegas and presented on EMRs from Sunday through Tuesday. Then Wednesday through Saturday we were in California. We took the kids to Sea World (twice), The Flower Fields of Carlsbad (pretty, but my choice, the kids weren’t as enthused), and the Science museum in Balb oa Park. All in all a very enjoyable trip with no pregnancy complications, except for the miserable PUPP that has now spread to my neck, arms, and legs. Of course it is still on my stomach, breasts, and back. I l look like a teenager going through puberty. It is bad and no relief from antihistamines, topical steroids, and prednisone. Plus I don’t want to take too much in case it harms the baby.
On the other side, Steve was offered his first principal position at Polk Elementary. He is very excited. I know this means that truly I do not need to work, but I really do like my job. In fact, I will be starting to work on my Doctoral degree in education. I am only taking three classes a year, and will do this if they allow me to study from home on Wednesdays. That is short day for TEK, so I only work a half day and with Sophie coming, I’d love to have every Wednesday and Friday off to be with her. I’d like to find someone who can help me on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 5-6 hours. Mondays I will probably take her to work or see if my folks can help. I do worry about my old age, and expecting again. If only I could have the wisdom I have now, and be 10 years younger and prego. Once she is big enough, I will use the much loved WSU preschool extended hour program. Hoping it works out as nice as I dream of. Now I just need to find someone for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Steve will be busy with his new job and he has worked so hard. I am so proud of him and love him so much. He (like always) drives the whole trip which lets me type, read, focus on kids, and pass out munchies and travel presents.
Life has been good, I’m happy to be expecting again and renew my belief inlife through birth. I needed this. I hope and pray all continues to go well and I will hold this little girls in my arms in 9 weeks. Kayla is looking forward to a sister too. So are the boys, as they say it maybe Kayla will leave them alone. Loving life and am grateful for my husband, 2 boys, 2 girls, and my 2 angels.
Happy Easter. We are traveling on our way home from California. TEK have been so good (so far) long long ride for young active kids. Much has changed since my last writing. We are having a girl. Most likely her name will be Sophia May (after Keith’s angel month), but we continue to think of new names. The due date isstill June 29, but with my terrible rash (PUPP) I am hoping for a earlier due date. Plus my insurance will switch on me end of June an d I don’t want to meet the copay twice. We are excited. I am nervous if I remember all there is about newborns, I am 27 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I’m hoping to make it back to Utah without any prenatal complications. That way, if there are any , I could be transported to a IHC hospital. Yes, 17 years with a company made me bias and I think they give good care. Today is also General conference (and Easter). I’d like to be in Utah where we can listen to KSL as we drive. We bought a timeshare and got to try out their Oceanside unit. I might say, I’d take Capistrano beach any day over Oceanside, but at least we were only 25 minutes away from Dana Point, and of course we went there. I sat on the beach and watched the high waves, a sea lion, Kayla playing in the water. Steve took Eric and Trevor on search of tide pools. It has been an enjoyable trip. I had a conference in Las Vegas and presented on EMRs from Sunday through Tuesday. Then Wednesday through Saturday we were in California. We took the kids to Sea World (twice), The Flower Fields of Carlsbad (pretty, but my choice, the kids weren’t as enthused), and the Science museum in Balb oa Park. All in all a very enjoyable trip with no pregnancy complications, except for the miserable PUPP that has now spread to my neck, arms, and legs. Of course it is still on my stomach, breasts, and back. I l look like a teenager going through puberty. It is bad and no relief from antihistamines, topical steroids, and prednisone. Plus I don’t want to take too much in case it harms the baby.
On the other side, Steve was offered his first principal position at Polk Elementary. He is very excited. I know this means that truly I do not need to work, but I really do like my job. In fact, I will be starting to work on my Doctoral degree in education. I am only taking three classes a year, and will do this if they allow me to study from home on Wednesdays. That is short day for TEK, so I only work a half day and with Sophie coming, I’d love to have every Wednesday and Friday off to be with her. I’d like to find someone who can help me on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 5-6 hours. Mondays I will probably take her to work or see if my folks can help. I do worry about my old age, and expecting again. If only I could have the wisdom I have now, and be 10 years younger and prego. Once she is big enough, I will use the much loved WSU preschool extended hour program. Hoping it works out as nice as I dream of. Now I just need to find someone for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Steve will be busy with his new job and he has worked so hard. I am so proud of him and love him so much. He (like always) drives the whole trip which lets me type, read, focus on kids, and pass out munchies and travel presents.
Life has been good, I’m happy to be expecting again and renew my belief inlife through birth. I needed this. I hope and pray all continues to go well and I will hold this little girls in my arms in 9 weeks. Kayla is looking forward to a sister too. So are the boys, as they say it maybe Kayla will leave them alone. Loving life and am grateful for my husband, 2 boys, 2 girls, and my 2 angels.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
January 17, 2010
It was normal!! The AFP, quad screen whatever you want to call it was normal!! This one’s score is 1.8. Keith was 2.5. Anything between 1-2 is considered normal. So after a sleepless night, numerous headaches this week, I can relax…sort of. I mean I’ll never relax until I’m holding this little one in my arms which I have kept newborn free since Keithy passed on. This test was the only test that was ever abnormal with Keith, so it is the only thing I can go by that this pregnancy may be smooth going, which my doctor told she’s being positive about. I still have numerous worries and fears. But for pregnancy wise, I am officially announcing it. I’m having a baby world!! It’s due on June 29th and we (Steve, I and TEK) couldn’t be more excited. From the words of my five year old daughter now, “I just hope we get to keep this one”.
It was normal!! The AFP, quad screen whatever you want to call it was normal!! This one’s score is 1.8. Keith was 2.5. Anything between 1-2 is considered normal. So after a sleepless night, numerous headaches this week, I can relax…sort of. I mean I’ll never relax until I’m holding this little one in my arms which I have kept newborn free since Keithy passed on. This test was the only test that was ever abnormal with Keith, so it is the only thing I can go by that this pregnancy may be smooth going, which my doctor told she’s being positive about. I still have numerous worries and fears. But for pregnancy wise, I am officially announcing it. I’m having a baby world!! It’s due on June 29th and we (Steve, I and TEK) couldn’t be more excited. From the words of my five year old daughter now, “I just hope we get to keep this one”.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
January 12, 2010
Ok it has now a new year and a new beginning since I wrote, much has happened. At the end of October I found out I was pregnant by surprise. Also in October we got licensed to foster to adopt. I was in a whirlwind of emotions. Like all my pregnancies I don’t feel prego so I didn’t believe it. In November I went and had a blood test confirming the pregnancy. I was still in denial. Steve heard me say my jeans still fit, I am not as tired as I should be, so I must have miscarried like angel and Keith. On Nov 24, I went in for my first ultrasound and saw this adorable little heartbeat just a pounding away. My heart was sold (again). Because I’m aging, I opted to have all genetic testing done. At ten weeks, I had another u/s to measure the nuchal cord for Downs and Trisomy 18. This came back normal. All blood work came back normal. Ironically, all this was normal with Keith. Although the Genetic counselor did tell me something that I was never aware with until this pregnancy. That my placenta tested positive, my hormone levels were even better in this pregnancy (than previous), the only thing that ever tested abnormal was the fetus (Keith) and that was on the AFP done at 15 weeks. I told just a handful of people, (some close friends, my parents, and Sara) no one else knows. I felt it would be easier to tell people at my age I lost a pregnancy than to say I’m pregnant, just to turn around and say we had another stillbirth. Plus listening to my kids prayers each night blessing Junior (his or her nickname thanks to TEK), they would say we want to keep this one. Heavenly Father got Angel and Keith, but we want this one. Saturday, Steve took me up for the AFP lab test. This was the one that showed the fetus blood level was high. With a high AFP, it increases risks of spina bifida, stillbirth, prematurity, and SIDS. Keith’s score was 2.5. Normal is 1.0-2.0. Yesterday after a sleepless night I called to find out the results.My sixth pregnancy (Junior) received a 1.8. I cried. I cried for this pregnancy now that I can finally acknowledge at 16 weeks along. I cried for the (so far) promising health of this pregnancy. I’m not out of the wood work until I hold this baby. I’ve been saving my arms to never hold another newborn, unless it was a grandchild. Now I may have the opportunity to hold my own newborn again. I’ve really needed this pregnancy. I’m not ruling out adoption, but I need this renewed faith in my body. I didn’t need to have another baby to get this. But for almost two years, I’ve had bitterness towards something Imust have did or done that caused this stillbirth. Now after another pregnancy, I found results I should have previously. My body is working fine. This special Angel son of mine was pre-planned a long time ago. He was meant to be an angel, and I his Mother. Today, I am 16 weeks pregnant. I am looking at the sky in a new way. I have hope for the future. I have lived in a world of grieving. I have suffered and mourned for what might have been. I have love immensely and I have lost. Yesterday, I gave a talk on Gratitude and mentioned all that I have become. The psychologist I went and saw was in our ward. Afterwards, he came up to me and told what a beautiful talk from the heart that I gave. I have mourned, grieved, healed, and now I am moving on by carrying for this blessed unborn child. My sixth (and final) pregnancy.
October 7, 2009
I have been in a stupor lately and I am not sure why. Not sure if it is the weather, feeling sorry for myself. Either way I need to get over it. Yesterday I was thinking about I missed Keith and yet how I was glad that he never had to suffer or feel pain. It made me think how our Heavenly Father had to watch Christ suffer and die. I too lost my son, yet because of our Savior’s atonement I will see my again. It just hurts for now.
One thing that gets me out of this rut is keeping busy and taking care TEK. I thought Primary president would be an easy calling, boy was I wrong. We have our primary program plus we are switching church buildings. I have to teach 40 kids where their new classrooms are, assign classrooms, show teachers new classrooms, and have the primary program all on Oct. 18. I am feeling a little better about it now.
Also, I’m room Mom for Eric’s class. Plus I volunteer every Friday in Kayla’s class. Then of course I have to drive Trevor to and from his school. Plus a full time job, plus my calling, oh and I am a wife and my kids get hungry and…….you see where I am going? But like always, I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s a price I have to pay for being this busy (not much time for me), but really I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides Steve and I are being really good and working out together each morning. I feel better after I exercise, plus it gives me one on one time with him.
September 22, 2009
Yesterday I ran into the L&D tech Julie that helped me so much when I had delivered Keith. Steve taught her kids so he knew her. She is going on a service mission to help children and women in Africa with a surgery clinic along with others from WSU and McKay. She asked me how I was doing and I told her much better. Considering where I was a year ago or even fifteen months ago life has been better. She too has gone through a rough year with a divorce. I contemplated how I was pregnant and was intending to have a live born child. Never did I think I would have to go through the pains and agony of a stillbirth especially after I made it out of the first trimester. She was married for many years had her children and never intended on divorcing. Life doesn’t always give us what we intend it to, but we carry on and perservere to the end.
On a brighter side we have been having some fun filled weekends. Good thing we’ve been fighting illness during the weekdays. Friday we got to go boating with some friends that we share a stillbirth in common. Saturday, went to the university football game. Yesterday, we went to the Christmas in September Punkinaze to provide financial assistance for Africans requiring minor surgeries. My house is a mess, but my kids are happy, I’m happy, Steve is happy. Life is good…for now.
Ok it has now a new year and a new beginning since I wrote, much has happened. At the end of October I found out I was pregnant by surprise. Also in October we got licensed to foster to adopt. I was in a whirlwind of emotions. Like all my pregnancies I don’t feel prego so I didn’t believe it. In November I went and had a blood test confirming the pregnancy. I was still in denial. Steve heard me say my jeans still fit, I am not as tired as I should be, so I must have miscarried like angel and Keith. On Nov 24, I went in for my first ultrasound and saw this adorable little heartbeat just a pounding away. My heart was sold (again). Because I’m aging, I opted to have all genetic testing done. At ten weeks, I had another u/s to measure the nuchal cord for Downs and Trisomy 18. This came back normal. All blood work came back normal. Ironically, all this was normal with Keith. Although the Genetic counselor did tell me something that I was never aware with until this pregnancy. That my placenta tested positive, my hormone levels were even better in this pregnancy (than previous), the only thing that ever tested abnormal was the fetus (Keith) and that was on the AFP done at 15 weeks. I told just a handful of people, (some close friends, my parents, and Sara) no one else knows. I felt it would be easier to tell people at my age I lost a pregnancy than to say I’m pregnant, just to turn around and say we had another stillbirth. Plus listening to my kids prayers each night blessing Junior (his or her nickname thanks to TEK), they would say we want to keep this one. Heavenly Father got Angel and Keith, but we want this one. Saturday, Steve took me up for the AFP lab test. This was the one that showed the fetus blood level was high. With a high AFP, it increases risks of spina bifida, stillbirth, prematurity, and SIDS. Keith’s score was 2.5. Normal is 1.0-2.0. Yesterday after a sleepless night I called to find out the results.My sixth pregnancy (Junior) received a 1.8. I cried. I cried for this pregnancy now that I can finally acknowledge at 16 weeks along. I cried for the (so far) promising health of this pregnancy. I’m not out of the wood work until I hold this baby. I’ve been saving my arms to never hold another newborn, unless it was a grandchild. Now I may have the opportunity to hold my own newborn again. I’ve really needed this pregnancy. I’m not ruling out adoption, but I need this renewed faith in my body. I didn’t need to have another baby to get this. But for almost two years, I’ve had bitterness towards something Imust have did or done that caused this stillbirth. Now after another pregnancy, I found results I should have previously. My body is working fine. This special Angel son of mine was pre-planned a long time ago. He was meant to be an angel, and I his Mother. Today, I am 16 weeks pregnant. I am looking at the sky in a new way. I have hope for the future. I have lived in a world of grieving. I have suffered and mourned for what might have been. I have love immensely and I have lost. Yesterday, I gave a talk on Gratitude and mentioned all that I have become. The psychologist I went and saw was in our ward. Afterwards, he came up to me and told what a beautiful talk from the heart that I gave. I have mourned, grieved, healed, and now I am moving on by carrying for this blessed unborn child. My sixth (and final) pregnancy.
October 7, 2009
I have been in a stupor lately and I am not sure why. Not sure if it is the weather, feeling sorry for myself. Either way I need to get over it. Yesterday I was thinking about I missed Keith and yet how I was glad that he never had to suffer or feel pain. It made me think how our Heavenly Father had to watch Christ suffer and die. I too lost my son, yet because of our Savior’s atonement I will see my again. It just hurts for now.
One thing that gets me out of this rut is keeping busy and taking care TEK. I thought Primary president would be an easy calling, boy was I wrong. We have our primary program plus we are switching church buildings. I have to teach 40 kids where their new classrooms are, assign classrooms, show teachers new classrooms, and have the primary program all on Oct. 18. I am feeling a little better about it now.
Also, I’m room Mom for Eric’s class. Plus I volunteer every Friday in Kayla’s class. Then of course I have to drive Trevor to and from his school. Plus a full time job, plus my calling, oh and I am a wife and my kids get hungry and…….you see where I am going? But like always, I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s a price I have to pay for being this busy (not much time for me), but really I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides Steve and I are being really good and working out together each morning. I feel better after I exercise, plus it gives me one on one time with him.
September 22, 2009
Yesterday I ran into the L&D tech Julie that helped me so much when I had delivered Keith. Steve taught her kids so he knew her. She is going on a service mission to help children and women in Africa with a surgery clinic along with others from WSU and McKay. She asked me how I was doing and I told her much better. Considering where I was a year ago or even fifteen months ago life has been better. She too has gone through a rough year with a divorce. I contemplated how I was pregnant and was intending to have a live born child. Never did I think I would have to go through the pains and agony of a stillbirth especially after I made it out of the first trimester. She was married for many years had her children and never intended on divorcing. Life doesn’t always give us what we intend it to, but we carry on and perservere to the end.
On a brighter side we have been having some fun filled weekends. Good thing we’ve been fighting illness during the weekdays. Friday we got to go boating with some friends that we share a stillbirth in common. Saturday, went to the university football game. Yesterday, we went to the Christmas in September Punkinaze to provide financial assistance for Africans requiring minor surgeries. My house is a mess, but my kids are happy, I’m happy, Steve is happy. Life is good…for now.
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