November 24, 2008

I am truly a different woman now than I was six months ago. More compassionate, more controlling of what matters to me, and never again will I take life for granted. I’ve held an angel on May 4, 2008. I had a nice weekend away with friends, but boy did I miss my family. I love TEK and my husband so much. It’s a nice break (being away) but there is a fear that I may loose them like I did with Keith. I went to a SHARE meeting and they always discuss how the firsts are so hard. I always think well that’s not me, I’m tough. Then it happens. I was playing the piano and my Mom came and sat by me holding my 5 month old niece and I just lost it. I’ll never be able to play the piano for my baby boy. He’ll never hear me play my favorite song, “Mary’s Lullaby”. Gosh if I get so emotional over a song what am I going to do about the holidays. Thanksgiving is 3 days away, I hope I can gain composure. I'll start practicing the 'smile'.

November 15, 2008

Yesterday was so incredibly busy with work. I will not do that again. Two conferences and having to be socialable all day and night. Ok my introvertedness didn’t like this before I was missing you, definitely not now anymore. I have to say I went to a therapist a few days ago and like it. He did recommend me talking to other women in SHARE that have gone through similarities. But he counseled me on my grief. One thing that I speaks more than the other things he said, is that too show emotion and compassion are the characteristics of a real Mom. I have met many people (men and women) who do not show any remorse or sadness when they have learned about my stillbirth. The counselor said there are many that do not know how to express emotions. Yet I have learned (through this ever painful process) of how it is ok to cry and express myself. I’m a real Mom. I may go back to him (the therapist). But I appreciated him saying that I am normal and he expects in the next few months the grieving will not be as intense. Then mentioned there will always be the reminders that will bring it up again. Learning to live with grief is definitely difficult.
It’s official that we’re taking the family to California. Ever since we held the tribute for Keith, I’m excited to go back and take pictures. It will be nice to see how TEK has grown. They too have felt a loss for a brother. How amazing. It has taken me all my life to learn about grief and TEK have suffered, but are also resilient.
So I know I’m a normal grieving mother who loves all her children dearly. I’ve come a long ways since May. I’ve heard of others who have lost babies and I am much more compassionate and like to write sincere letters to them. Talk about us ladies! We’ve come along way. I still head up to the cemetery weekly (if not more). Not a day goes by that I do not think about him. I still wear the necklace I got when I miscarried baby Angel and I added a similar bracelet that Keith was buried with on the chain. I still mourn and I’m sure always will, but hopefully will have some of the ‘intenseness’ fade away in the months to come.

November 4, 2008
Well today is the six month mark. I’m surviving probably because I am so busy. Nobody (besides Steve) even realizes it is his six month day. Happy ½ angel day baby boy! Mom is thinking about you and missing you terribly.