In our hearts forever

2010-10-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Keith,
After 28 months of having this journal online, I have decided that no more will I share my thoughts and deepest feelings of losing you. I saw on a markee today a sign that said "Grief is the deepest expression of love". Thank you for allowing me to learn this expression. Time has healed so of the pain and now looking forward to the future is a blessing. I will continue to serve in memory of you. You have taught me true compassion. How can I ever begin to thank you for this important lesson in life. I used to think (regard stillbirth) Why me? Now, I am blessed to be included in this group that knows grief so well. God be with you until we meet again and we will meet. I love you. Mom.

2010-05-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

Keith,
Thank you for watching over your sister. Like you, she's beautfiul. I am so honoured to be your Mom. God bless our love.

2010-05-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

May 31, 2010

Happy day! Sophia May was born on May 27, 2010. Quite the shocker. She was born emergency c/section after decelerated heart rates. Because of my history, I was being monitored quite closely with non stress test and appointments . After helping at K’s kindergarten beach part kindergarten beach party, I met Steve for my twice weekly non stress test. This of course after I ate a hamburger and fry for lunch. Dr. Lesser noticed some decal heart rates. She went and discussed this with the perinatalogist who referred me for a contraction stress test in the labor and delivery. I was told it would take two hours, so Steve to K to work with him. While prepping for the test, I was calling my folks (who were in Washington). I was explaining to my Dad what test and why, when I noticed just a minor Braxton hick contraction with a drastic decrease in heart rate on the computer. Not trying to worry him, I said this doesn’t look good and they may have me deliver. Then two nurses (one being Sandra from our old ward) rushed in saying they were canceling the test and preparing me for a emergency c-section. Dr. Lesser who also saw it called to verify it was accurate (she was shocked that her heart rate dropped so low) and said get Steve back and prepare for emerg c-section. The nurse was to text her when Steve was within 5 minutes of the hospital. I called Steve at work and said NOW come now, they’re rushing me in for emergency c-section. He grabbed K, checked T out of school, got a neighbor to watch them until Steph could come and get them (and E from school), grabbed the cameras and was back at the hospital within 35 minutes. They had already wheeled me into the OR and was giving me the epidural when Steve came in ready for surgery. We just looked at each other with that look what on earth had happened. We said a quick prayer. While on the table, I was praying privately and had a spiritual moment that she would be coming here alive. I felt Keith saying ‘goodbye’ to her. I recalled how hard it was for me to say goodbye to Keith and Angel, and now it was there turn to say goodbye to Sophia. One day we’ll all be together. Keith taught me compassion and true mourning. Sophia taught me faith in life and hope for the future. I love being a Mom to such chosen spirits!

Back to the c/s, I had a shield, so I couldn’t see the c-section, but Steve watched as they cut me open, pulled out my uterus, Dr. other Lesser pressed down on my stomach (ooh I felt that). The anesthesiologist explained what was happening to me as he monitored my vitals (remember I had just eaten). My uterus was then incised and out came a beautiful tiny 3 lb 12 oz, 16 “ little girl. Dr. Lesser let me look at her and then was quickly handed over to the NICU staff. Being our final child, I was happy to get my tubes tied and since I was already cut open, perfect timing.

I was sent to recovery for one hour. Sophia to the NICU. She never needed oxygen. Dr. Lesser thinks the last two weeks my placenta or blood flow between me and baby was just not functioning as well and was glad they caught it….before it was too late. To think I could have lost Sophia as did Keith just tears at me. I spoke to our Bishop and told him how close we came to of loosing her. We know w/ Keith that their was a decrease in blood flow (why…we’ll never know). But she was showing the same signs. We are truly blessed with a miracle. If it wasn’t for Keith, Sophia would never have com. I am so blessed to be a Mom of two boys, two girls, and two angels!

I’m learning the pain and struggles of a NICU baby. I hate being on NICU time, but have not other choice. Yesterday, I had a remarkable nurse who just allowed me to hold Sophie for 3 hours (usually limited to 45 min). I thanked (even wrote a IMC hero card) her and explained how I haven’t wanted to hold a newborn since I lost Keith. So to sit here and hold my newborn daughter was a monumental treasure. Never did I think I’d be 37 and having my daughter 6 years after my other children. Still not sure why the grand entrance Sophie, but I know my Heavenly Father lives and hears my prayers. I’m so glad I have my children. Glad I have my Man, who is truly the best Dad and husband. He is my every other heartbeat.

Happy Memorial day.

Happy 2nd Angel Day Keith on May 4, 2010. For FHE, we had a balloon release and sung happy angel day. In love with you more and more Keith.

2010-04-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

April 4, 2010

Happy Easter. We are traveling on our way home from California. TEK have been so good (so far) long long ride for young active kids. Much has changed since my last writing. We are having a girl. Most likely her name will be Sophia May (after Keith’s angel month), but we continue to think of new names. The due date isstill June 29, but with my terrible rash (PUPP) I am hoping for a earlier due date. Plus my insurance will switch on me end of June an d I don’t want to meet the copay twice. We are excited. I am nervous if I remember all there is about newborns, I am 27 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I’m hoping to make it back to Utah without any prenatal complications. That way, if there are any , I could be transported to a IHC hospital. Yes, 17 years with a company made me bias and I think they give good care. Today is also General conference (and Easter). I’d like to be in Utah where we can listen to KSL as we drive. We bought a timeshare and got to try out their Oceanside unit. I might say, I’d take Capistrano beach any day over Oceanside, but at least we were only 25 minutes away from Dana Point, and of course we went there. I sat on the beach and watched the high waves, a sea lion, Kayla playing in the water. Steve took Eric and Trevor on search of tide pools. It has been an enjoyable trip. I had a conference in Las Vegas and presented on EMRs from Sunday through Tuesday. Then Wednesday through Saturday we were in California. We took the kids to Sea World (twice), The Flower Fields of Carlsbad (pretty, but my choice, the kids weren’t as enthused), and the Science museum in Balb oa Park. All in all a very enjoyable trip with no pregnancy complications, except for the miserable PUPP that has now spread to my neck, arms, and legs. Of course it is still on my stomach, breasts, and back. I l look like a teenager going through puberty. It is bad and no relief from antihistamines, topical steroids, and prednisone. Plus I don’t want to take too much in case it harms the baby.
On the other side, Steve was offered his first principal position at Polk Elementary. He is very excited. I know this means that truly I do not need to work, but I really do like my job. In fact, I will be starting to work on my Doctoral degree in education. I am only taking three classes a year, and will do this if they allow me to study from home on Wednesdays. That is short day for TEK, so I only work a half day and with Sophie coming, I’d love to have every Wednesday and Friday off to be with her. I’d like to find someone who can help me on Tuesdays and Thursdays for 5-6 hours. Mondays I will probably take her to work or see if my folks can help. I do worry about my old age, and expecting again. If only I could have the wisdom I have now, and be 10 years younger and prego. Once she is big enough, I will use the much loved WSU preschool extended hour program. Hoping it works out as nice as I dream of. Now I just need to find someone for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Steve will be busy with his new job and he has worked so hard. I am so proud of him and love him so much. He (like always) drives the whole trip which lets me type, read, focus on kids, and pass out munchies and travel presents.

Life has been good, I’m happy to be expecting again and renew my belief inlife through birth. I needed this. I hope and pray all continues to go well and I will hold this little girls in my arms in 9 weeks. Kayla is looking forward to a sister too. So are the boys, as they say it maybe Kayla will leave them alone. Loving life and am grateful for my husband, 2 boys, 2 girls, and my 2 angels.

2010-01-17T13:13:00.000-08:00

January 17, 2010

It was normal!! The AFP, quad screen whatever you want to call it was normal!! This one’s score is 1.8. Keith was 2.5. Anything between 1-2 is considered normal. So after a sleepless night, numerous headaches this week, I can relax…sort of. I mean I’ll never relax until I’m holding this little one in my arms which I have kept newborn free since Keithy passed on. This test was the only test that was ever abnormal with Keith, so it is the only thing I can go by that this pregnancy may be smooth going, which my doctor told she’s being positive about. I still have numerous worries and fears. But for pregnancy wise, I am officially announcing it. I’m having a baby world!! It’s due on June 29th and we (Steve, I and TEK) couldn’t be more excited. From the words of my five year old daughter now, “I just hope we get to keep this one”.

2010-01-12T10:15:00.000-08:00

January 12, 2010
Ok it has now a new year and a new beginning since I wrote, much has happened. At the end of October I found out I was pregnant by surprise. Also in October we got licensed to foster to adopt. I was in a whirlwind of emotions. Like all my pregnancies I don’t feel prego so I didn’t believe it. In November I went and had a blood test confirming the pregnancy. I was still in denial. Steve heard me say my jeans still fit, I am not as tired as I should be, so I must have miscarried like angel and Keith. On Nov 24, I went in for my first ultrasound and saw this adorable little heartbeat just a pounding away. My heart was sold (again). Because I’m aging, I opted to have all genetic testing done. At ten weeks, I had another u/s to measure the nuchal cord for Downs and Trisomy 18. This came back normal. All blood work came back normal. Ironically, all this was normal with Keith. Although the Genetic counselor did tell me something that I was never aware with until this pregnancy. That my placenta tested positive, my hormone levels were even better in this pregnancy (than previous), the only thing that ever tested abnormal was the fetus (Keith) and that was on the AFP done at 15 weeks. I told just a handful of people, (some close friends, my parents, and Sara) no one else knows. I felt it would be easier to tell people at my age I lost a pregnancy than to say I’m pregnant, just to turn around and say we had another stillbirth. Plus listening to my kids prayers each night blessing Junior (his or her nickname thanks to TEK), they would say we want to keep this one. Heavenly Father got Angel and Keith, but we want this one. Saturday, Steve took me up for the AFP lab test. This was the one that showed the fetus blood level was high. With a high AFP, it increases risks of spina bifida, stillbirth, prematurity, and SIDS. Keith’s score was 2.5. Normal is 1.0-2.0. Yesterday after a sleepless night I called to find out the results.My sixth pregnancy (Junior) received a 1.8. I cried. I cried for this pregnancy now that I can finally acknowledge at 16 weeks along. I cried for the (so far) promising health of this pregnancy. I’m not out of the wood work until I hold this baby. I’ve been saving my arms to never hold another newborn, unless it was a grandchild. Now I may have the opportunity to hold my own newborn again. I’ve really needed this pregnancy. I’m not ruling out adoption, but I need this renewed faith in my body. I didn’t need to have another baby to get this. But for almost two years, I’ve had bitterness towards something Imust have did or done that caused this stillbirth. Now after another pregnancy, I found results I should have previously. My body is working fine. This special Angel son of mine was pre-planned a long time ago. He was meant to be an angel, and I his Mother. Today, I am 16 weeks pregnant. I am looking at the sky in a new way. I have hope for the future. I have lived in a world of grieving. I have suffered and mourned for what might have been. I have love immensely and I have lost. Yesterday, I gave a talk on Gratitude and mentioned all that I have become. The psychologist I went and saw was in our ward. Afterwards, he came up to me and told what a beautiful talk from the heart that I gave. I have mourned, grieved, healed, and now I am moving on by carrying for this blessed unborn child. My sixth (and final) pregnancy.

October 7, 2009

I have been in a stupor lately and I am not sure why. Not sure if it is the weather, feeling sorry for myself. Either way I need to get over it. Yesterday I was thinking about I missed Keith and yet how I was glad that he never had to suffer or feel pain. It made me think how our Heavenly Father had to watch Christ suffer and die. I too lost my son, yet because of our Savior’s atonement I will see my again. It just hurts for now.
One thing that gets me out of this rut is keeping busy and taking care TEK. I thought Primary president would be an easy calling, boy was I wrong. We have our primary program plus we are switching church buildings. I have to teach 40 kids where their new classrooms are, assign classrooms, show teachers new classrooms, and have the primary program all on Oct. 18. I am feeling a little better about it now.
Also, I’m room Mom for Eric’s class. Plus I volunteer every Friday in Kayla’s class. Then of course I have to drive Trevor to and from his school. Plus a full time job, plus my calling, oh and I am a wife and my kids get hungry and…….you see where I am going? But like always, I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s a price I have to pay for being this busy (not much time for me), but really I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides Steve and I are being really good and working out together each morning. I feel better after I exercise, plus it gives me one on one time with him.

September 22, 2009

Yesterday I ran into the L&D tech Julie that helped me so much when I had delivered Keith. Steve taught her kids so he knew her. She is going on a service mission to help children and women in Africa with a surgery clinic along with others from WSU and McKay. She asked me how I was doing and I told her much better. Considering where I was a year ago or even fifteen months ago life has been better. She too has gone through a rough year with a divorce. I contemplated how I was pregnant and was intending to have a live born child. Never did I think I would have to go through the pains and agony of a stillbirth especially after I made it out of the first trimester. She was married for many years had her children and never intended on divorcing. Life doesn’t always give us what we intend it to, but we carry on and perservere to the end.

On a brighter side we have been having some fun filled weekends. Good thing we’ve been fighting illness during the weekdays. Friday we got to go boating with some friends that we share a stillbirth in common. Saturday, went to the university football game. Yesterday, we went to the Christmas in September Punkinaze to provide financial assistance for Africans requiring minor surgeries. My house is a mess, but my kids are happy, I’m happy, Steve is happy. Life is good…for now.

2009-09-10T12:06:00.001-07:00

September 10, 2009

Well school started and you can tell it is keeping me busy. This is definitely me. Back to a month of summary. Steve and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. We did a marriage rope course activity with other couples through the USU extension. I can honestly say I love my husband much more now than when we first got married. He is my every other heart beat.
I’m finally getting in a routine of taking Eric to school first, then Trevor to his school, followed by Miss Kayla going to a neighbors house or on Monday and Fridays, she stays with me in the AM until PM Kindergarten starts. All the kids are loving school. Soccer starts on Saturday and we have TEK in games. So my Saturdays are now shot driving to and from games. Yuck.
Now for a short summary of my kids:
Kayla loves Kindergarten and her teacher. She asks us to read chapter books to her at night now that she is in Kindergarten. Otherwise she reads to us, which she is learning on her own pretty good. She is my social girl and loves (and then hates) the neighbor girl. Loves playing princesses and wants me to take her back to lunch with Ariel at Disneyland. Drama, yes. Loves to dress up , yes. Nurturer, yes. And her newest adventure…soccer!
Eric loves recess. He’s been wearing shorts to school since it is so hot and his knees are all skinned up. On the bright side, no holey pants. He is quite the pianist. He has his Dad’s ear for rhythm. He struggles with reading and we’re working twice as hard trying to help him. Always has a Bak U gan thing, Pokemon, or Yu Gi Oh something close by.
Trevor is enjoying his PALS (Accelerated learner) 5th grade class, although we were a little concerned at first when he received 11 worksheets to complete in one night. He is excited to start soccer and see his ‘neighborhood’ friends again. He is our bookworm-finished two last night. He’s loving Cub Scouts. Trying to discover ‘Indian clay’ at the school playground during recess. He enjoys having wars with his army men. Funny, my old piano teacher is his 5th grade teacher. Small world.
Keith and Angel, well they keep their Mom on the right path to return to heaven. Without them, who knows what I’d be doing or smoking right now. They make me want to become more Christ like and full of compassion and service to others. Isn’t that why we are here? One day we’ll have a good reunion! Until then, their memory will have to do.

2009-08-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

August 11, 2009

You can say that our summer has been a great one. Steve and I wish we could stay home all year long with the kids. I doubt they realize how lucky they have it with their parents home. I have worked hard on being social and having friends and scheduling friend dates. I think it has paid off. I ams so happy where we live. Each child has one or two good friends. Even though Eric’s best friend is moving and I should say his Mom is my good friend too. Fortunately not too far, but I am sure it will be far enough.

Did I mention that I was called as the primary president for our new ward? Talk about the deer in the headlights! That’s what the Bishop referred to as he gave me the calling. I’m still overwhelmed and trying to make some much needed changes against those that have been in the ward for so long. Steve is the cub master which I am glad so I know the boys are being taken cared of. Last Sunday we spoke in sacrament meeting, I had to ‘emergency substitute’ for Sunbeams, and conduct in primary. I went home and had a much needed Coke! Interesting I told my husband I wanted just one more child and now I have 40 primary kids plus 20 nursery kids (see the lopesidedness?)

Also, last Tuesday we completed the homestudy for the foster to adopt. Now that we have done everything, I am having more second thoughts?? What the hell am I doing? I don’t mind adopting a toddler but the thought of fostering for two or so years and then have the child reunified tears me apart. Once we are officially licensed I am going to tell our caseworker we need a child close to tpr (termination of parents rights). As mentioned two different one child under the age of 3 is all we will take. We quit after that.

And yes we are trying, but nothing as of now. I bought four ovulation tests and I don’t think I ovulated at all last month. Again, I’m not sure if I want a newborn. They still frighten me beyond measure. If I got pregnant I have all those worries of miscarriage and stillbirth. Then once the child comes I get to worry about SIDS, accidents. How any child makes it to adulthood (and then even more worries) is beyond me.
I can say I’m doing better overall with my grief. I will forever miss my Keither guy and wish he were here, but I know I will see him one day. I love Keith so much. As we get closer to his due date (Aug 20), I’m going to purchase the “We were going to have a baby, but had an angel instead’ bo0k for the library system. Even though it is a children’s book, it has helped me so much. I love my children so much and love being a Mommy more than anything in the whole wide world.
We’ve had a fun summer doing many “staycations”. From Zions, Goblin Valley, Arches, Cherry Hill, the cabin, Viva Las Vegas(which turned out being a great trip) and now to Lava Hot springs. We’ve had fun. In Vegas we hit the Tournament of the Kings, the Adventure dome, and the Children’s museum twice. We have loved 2009 summer events! And are hoping to go to California this Christmas and Yellowstone over UEA. Yes summer is fun, but it is winding down and school is starting.

2009-07-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

Keith's 18 week ultrasound appt. This was the appt that the perinatologist said this is a healthy baby and nothing to worry about (referring to the high AFP test score). So I did, for the next six weeks I felt that all was going my way and did not worry about Keith.

2009-07-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to add these videos to show and prove to this world how much we love our son. Please ignore my lack of singing capability. It was the thought that counted.

2009-07-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

July 1, 2009

My life has been blessed with so much, why is it that the loss of my unborn child causes such agony? I still struggle hearing of a neighbor who is delivering her baby today or my best friend’s announcement of her pregnancy. I don’t or didn’t even want to be pregnant…or so I think. I read about a former teacher of mine who had adopted two boys from Romania eighteen years ago and how one of them committed suicide last week. I still recall listening to her talk about her promptings to adopt in church. These are the same promptings that I have had to adopt. But her two boys she adopted, one is in jail for burglary and the other committed suicide. Her biological son is a plastic surgeon. It seems that biological children just have a 100% chance of turning out better than any adopted child. I just don’t trust my body anymore and think if I have another child it will have severe deformities or challenges. I’d take and I’d love what I get, but I don’t want to deliberately have these types of problems at the same time. But if I adopt, I’ll have a child with mental disorders and challenges. It is a lose lose situation.

Either way, I bought my first ovulation test ever. I don’t know why whether we’ll try or not. But at least I’ll know when it ‘could’ happen. TEK are having a fun summer, and if it wasn’t for them, I don’t know where I’d be. Between swimming lessons, piano lessons, gymnastics, and don’t forget friend days, play dates, and birthday parties, I am busy. But I do love it. Truly they have kept me out of a major depression. I hate to rely on my children so much. Their piano teacher was telling me how hard it is when they graduate, move out and get married. I’m just sad that my children are all in grade school. That’s too much grown up for me, what will I do when they get married? I’ve already told them I will spoil my grandbabies to pieces so just watch out. So here I still have the million dollar question, are we done, do we try for one more, do we adopt? I’ve prayed over and over and the other answer I seem to get is do your work Heather, do your work. Well I have and now I need more of an answer into which way we should be going. Cause I am a nervous wreck.

June 7, 2009
Eric was baptized and confirmed yesterday. It turned out to be a beautiful day. I am so proud of Bear. He did this on his own. He is such a charismatic and unique child. Definitely that same adorable baby I gave birth to 8 years and 4 days ago. Steve and I gave the talks and I was so glad. Because we kept them short, sweet, and to the point. Just the ways Eric can handle. He is such a good example with his snuggle bear hugs. I’ll always treasure the times when I was pregnant with Keith how Eric would come and kiss my belly and tell Keith he loved him. He truly has a heart of gold and I hope he never changes.
It was interesting that prior to the baptism I got all emotional about how I’ll never see this milestone with Keith. It seems every milestone that my kids hit, I have to take a brief moment and ponder that I have missed this moment with him. One day some how, I’ll have but into then, I keep plowing away.
Big announcement, they are creating a new stake in church. Yahoo! Now we won’t have to drive across town to go to church. I’m so excited. Doing the new stake dance. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! It’s about time. Plus I will be released of playing the piano which I am sick of. Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
We’re heading to Goblin Valley and Arches. We’ve had some car problems, so our trip was cut short to three days rather than four. It is nice to have Steve home officially for the summer. Lately I have had problems with sleeping. I’ve been trying a warm drink before bed, but am also going to try to eliminate TV (especially news) to see if that helps. I seem to be getting anxiety over everything. The baptism organization, possible adoption, etc.
Thank goodness it is Sunday and my day to relax. That may help too.

2009-05-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

May 26, 2009

I love being a Mom and I am so glad to be able to attend all of my kids end of school activities. These last two weeks have been hectic, but so worth it. We only have one set of ball games rather than two or three. This is also the last week of the foster/adoption class. I’m getting more and more anxiety over doing this and having a difficult time sleeping at night thinking of all that will be wrong with this child. With every pregnancy you always pray for the health and safety of your child. With the adoption, I just think as now how many problems will this baby have. Because as I have learned there is no healthy baby in foster/adoption all have problems. I’m just sick of the instructor being so negative. Although he works for DCFS, he has never fostered and just keeps telling us worse case scenarios only. I just keep thinking of the cute little guy in our ward who seems closer to perfection than I ever will and he came through the foster/adoption program when he was one.

Eric is getting baptized on June 6. My little bear is going to be accountable too. He is taking the missionary classes from two ladies in our ward and just is so pure and happy. I don’t think he even needs to be baptized. He is so much closer to perfection than me. I love him so much. I love all my children, but right now this is Bears special time. HE is such my atlethetic and competitive child, but is such my snuggle bugger. Of all my kids he likes to snuggle. I was looking at his picture album yesterday and watching how he has grown and developed but still has those 3 traits, athletic, competitive, and my snuggler.

Trevor will be starting the PALS (accelerated learning program) for fifth grade next year at a new elementary. He is excited, but I told him if he doesn’t like it or misses his friends, I’ll pull him out. It’s funny a year ago, I was looking at sending my kids to a charter school, but opted to send them to their elementary. I’m so glad I did. The love school and are doing so well. Sometimes charter schools think they can fix all that’s wrong with public schools. But when there is nothing to fix, why send them? Trevor has abilities to advance within public school to prepare him for Junior High. But I’m sorry, if he doesn’t like it or if he misses his friends I’ll send him back. So much of school is learning how to function socially. I’m glad that my kids have learned that and continue to learn that skill. I sure can think of some who have been at charter schools, private schools, and/or home school who lack social skills. And to be fair some kids who do exceedingly well in charter and home school that would thrive in any setting. I just hope that is my kids that have capability to be in any social setting.

Have I mentioned I love being a Mom? Kids are great….maybe…just maybe…will we foster/adopt. If not, I’ve been blessed more than I’ll ever realize. Thanks Heavenly Father for all that you have given me.

May 19, 2009

Ugh, TEK activities are keeping me too busy. I know I need to enjoy this time since it won’t last long, but Steve and I crashed last night at 9:45 from after two baseball games and the drama show by Kayla. She means well, but man is she dramatic and every little injury becomes life threatening. We had a chat today about the boy who cried wolf. We’ll see if it reduces some of the high emotions after every little injury. That and lying on her bed for 10 minutes. TE have baseball every Monday and Wednesday and K is so patient to come along especially if they have a playground. I try and alternate helping her at the playground and watching TE play. I’m sure I gave more time to the boys, and maybe that is why she is being so dramatic. She knows she can get my full attention from that. I guess I just need to give her my full attention on positive situations rather than negative. I can truly say that Kayla saved me last year while I was grieving over the loss of Keith. I need her more than she needs me. I love being a Mom to a girl, so I need to allow the drama.

I have been taking a sabbatical from church and went back last Sunday. I had not been to a full 3 hour block of church in a month. Of course it was fast Sunday and of course there was a baby blessing and the parents truly had no clue how blessed they should be. I left church in a foul mood and told Steve I do better not attending church. On Monday, I briefly chatted with a lady in our ward who adopted her last child from the foster to adopt program. In my mind her boy just stood out as the sweetheart of the primary when we first moved into this ward two years ago. It stuns me that he was adopted especially from the foster care program. He was there first child they fostered. They were offered others, but declined due to foster only. His Mom was very supportive to me and offered to help me. I have taken 3 of the required 8 classes required, but am going to finish them. We’ll see where this road takes me. I’m not hoping for a miracle (although that would be nice). I’m just praying that it won’t be as traumatic as many of these classes say it will be. Steve is going to take the 3 courses required for us to be licensed for a year. If nothing is working out for us to adopt, we’ll quit and re-analyze the situation at that time.

I often feel I type in my journal about all of my problems. It is definitely easier to focus on the negative especially when I have suffered so much. But for the next paragraph I am going to focus on all that I have been blessed.

I’m listening to this country song about how this guy wouldn’t have traded this for something. I’m sitting watching Kayla at gymnastics and she is doing great this week. I have three healthy beautiful children. I am thankful for my two little ones waiting for me in heaven. I am grateful to now have an understanding of what grieving (the most painful type of grieving over a child) is. I am thankful for my own health as I have seen many women my age suffer from health difficulties, I feel blessed for my own health today. I am grateful for my very flexible job and to have summers off. I wouldn’t have chosen to work when my children were small if it weren’t for that flexibility. I am thankful for my man of almost fifteen years. He truly is the many missing puzzle pieces and together (and with our children and our Savior) we are complete 10,000 piece puzzle. I’m grateful for my friends that I have supported me through my elementary years. I’m also thankful for my newfound friends that share the title of Angelmom with me. I’m grateful for my supportive family. I’m grateful for the small steps that I and my in-law family have made in improving our relation. I am grateful for me! Ever since I was a young girl I have kept a journal. It’s funny how things stress you out when you are 11 that don’t even matter now. Who care’s if I’m last to be chosen on volleyball. I’ve always hated playing volleyball anyways. I’m so grateful for all the hard work I have done to get myself where I am today. Although I could loose probably 15 pounds, I’m content with who I am. I’m grateful for my more humble understanding of life. I am grateful to be more understanding of others and how they may be suffering. I guess I could refer back to the greatest movie ever written when the Butler tells Joanna when she says everyone thinks she is crazy and asked the butler if they are right. The butler responds saying “Oh no madam, you have seen life from a totally different perspective. What you choose to do with this information and knowledge is completely up to you”. For all my Angel Mom’s out there thank you for being my friend and reading my blog/journal. God bless you as we continue on our journey through this life to live with our children again.

May 6, 2009

One year ago I buried my son. I’ve come a long way since then. Although I will always allow me to mourn when needed, I have become so much stronger in many ways. I’m not as sensitive to the insensitive. I won’t allow people (even Prophets) tell me how I should be feeling. I feel empowered and looked after from above. I told Steve the other night and I am so grateful for Keith…I love him.

For Keith’s one year anniversary we held a small memorial in the drizzly weather on Sunday, May 3 at the cemetery. We have been raising butterflies and it was nice to realize them in memory of Keithy. We also wrote our love notes on balloons and sent them sailing away for Keithy to grab or at least that is what we told Kayla. I’ve receive some thoughtful cards, emails, gifts in memory of his one year day. I will treasure those thoughtful gestures. We also decorated the grave. Then that evening I went to volunteer as a Share member. More on this later.

On May 4, Kayla and I went and redecorated the grave after the strangest hailstorm that has hit northern Utah. Apparently there was even a tornado in Willard. That evening, alone I went to the cemetery. I took some of the small gifts I had received from Ivillage friends, pictures from NILMDTS, and the birth letter I had written for Keith. I pulled out the blanket that I kept in memory of him (the nice blue crochet one), along with the clothes that he wore prior to his burial. I laid a blanket on the grass right next to his grave and read the birth letter out loud and allowed my self to cry to my hearts content. It was what I needed in memory of the difficult day that I had one year earlier. I miss my son, but will allow the memories of him suffice until we meet again.

I am also now volunteering to the Share organization who gave me so much. I’ve gone twice so far. One to help a Mom who lost her boy at 16 weeks. The other which was more difficult a loss in which the parents had to take their 23 week old son off of life support after 12 days. He was the exact age of Keith. I always thought how poignant it would have been if I could have just seen Keith’s eyes, but seeing the strain and difficulty for this couple it made me realize that these precious ones were meant to be angels. It doesn’t matter if the child was 16 weeks gestation or 16 years. When your time has come, it has come. Now it’s up to us here on earth to find out what to do without them. We made the mold for the 23 week loss in the exact room where I delivered Keith a year earlier. I remembered being by the nurses station. I recall the picture that reminded me of Hawaii (which I kept telling Steve we should be in Hawaii and not delivering our stillborn son). It was sentimental, but not difficult.

Following the first loss that I volunteered at I had a spiritual experience after a prayer that I am done having children. I thought of a friend who had 15 miscarriages and three healthy children (age 15, 11, and 1) and thought hey, maybe that will be me. But I think and am still praying for confirmation that I will be adopting. When I pray, I just keep feeling that this (adoption) will be an incredibly difficult thing for me to face. I wonder if I’m strong or if I want to try and endure this I wish I could just adopt without having to worry about the concerns and lifetime problems of adoptees.

I’ve done it, I have survived one year without my son. I am a better woman now more in touch, in tune, and empowered. My goals for the next year is to resolve the sarcasm and hypocritical parts of me when I see and view other pregnant Moms or newborns. I think this will always be painful but will reduce with continual time.

Keith on your one year anniversary I want to say thank you for all you have done for me. I hope this new found wisdom will be used to a greater cause and I can reach out to others. In memory of you and all of your angel friends, I will continue to strive to live worthily of our reunion one day. God bless our love.

Thoughts that helped me survive this day:

May 1, 2008

Keithy’s Angel day

~A BUTTERFLY BLESSING~Lord,Bless me with the ability of a butterfly to endure the changes that will happen to me in my lifetime. Help me to accept these changes with a positive and loving attitude. Bless me with the beauty of a butterfly to allow me to reflect the colors of my soul, being and individuality, and to look for these things in others. Bless me with the ability of a butterfly to create and instill the feeling of wonder, passion, and excitement towards all of your living creatures. Bless me with the butterflies' ability to pollinate your flowers, so that I may cultivate your human garden with love and compassion. Last, but not least, Lord, Bless me with the grace of ascension, so that I may ascend into your glorious heaven like a rising butterfly, when my journey here on earth, is complete.
Amen
~M. Dilts

A crisis allows us the opportunity to dig deep into the reservoirs of our very being, to rise to levels of confidence, strength, and resolve that otherwise we didn't think we possessed. Through adversity, we come face to face with who we really are and what really counts."
-- Jon Huntsman, self-made American billionaire, author of Winners Never Cheat

2009-04-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

Keith has been sought of all over this country. I appreciate the gift exchange with other Angel Moms at Christmas and Easter. Thank you Sara for organizing the gift exchanges and thinking of our babies and writing their names in the sand in Florida.

2009-04-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

April 28, 2009

I spent this evening watching Keith’s ultrasound video of his 18 week appt with the perinatalogist. They checked everything. His heart, brain, bladder, diaphragm, bone length, lips, and all was fine last March 27, 2008. Then why did I loose him on May 1, 2009? I miss him and always will. I have registered for fostercare classes. I am absolutely terrified about this (and so is Steve). My birthday present was his agreement to move forward. He’s more petrified than I am and that worries me even more, since he is the positive one in our marriage. I haven’t given up on possibly on international adoption, but it so expensive and so bureaucraticly (2 governments working together) slow. I think I’d be ninety before it would ever be approved.

As I am nearing the one year mark, I have seen great strides. I’ve sadly (against my choice) learned some patience. Now eternity to go. When I die and am entering heaven, I envision my Savior who is initially holding Keith and baby Angel then places him down and Keithy runs to me with my arms out stretch we embrace in the biggest Mama bear hug ever. I am going to start volunteering for Utah Share. And my biggest improvement….I am more Christlike than ever before. As my wonderful husband said in his Easter talk on the Beautitudes, “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted”. I want to be like Jesus and help those who mourn.

April 27, 2009

Ok I spent my birthday weekend down in Zions Ponderosa having fun with my family. My brother, his boys, my Sister and her family, my parents, and my family went and we had a blast. It was so nice to just be able to laugh. I needed this getaway. Little do they (my family) know how much I just needed this. Thank you.

April 22, 2009

It has bothered me how some just don’t understand what it feels to loose a child and that I should be hunky dory and be fine and coo and caw over their upcoming pregnancy. I would never wish this pain and agony on my worst enemy, but please allow me to mourn when I need to.

I have just been frustrated since my last GNO and then General Conference about how we should be happy. I am happy. I have a successful marriage, career, five beautiful children (2 in heaven, 3 here on earth), good health, and a future that seems bright. I carry on and most of the time am happy, but damnit if I don’t want to go to a baby shower and coo over baby things on the one year date of the day I found out my baby died, than back off. Also, President Monson, I am questioning your authenticity of the story that you gave. A woman who has buried four children with her ‘wooden spoon’ has the right to move. Of course she has carried on and pressed forward. That’s what all of us who have buried babies do. But allow us the right to mourn when we want without feeling guilt for not be ‘happy’ all the time. And you wonder why the LDS church has such a high rate of depression. Maybe it’s because we don’t have the right to publicly mourn our losses. Read about Richard Paul Evans Mom and how she suffered depression and was not allowed to mourn her stillborn daughter. A very good friend told me that sixty years ago people who were mourning wore black to show. Her psychologist said it takes on average two years to mourn a loss of a child. I’m a real Mom, I miss my son. And to my dearest girl scout friends who are unable to understand my loss. I’m happy that you don’t have to go through this. Please allow me the space to grieve when I need to.

April 15, 2009

I have been touched that my parents remembered Keith this Easter and placed beautiful lilies on his grave. I really needed that. Others haven’t forgotten him. Thank you Mom & Dad for your support. You don’t know how much I needed that. Love you both. Please don't go on a mission. I need you here.

April 7, 2009

I am sitting in the Las Vegas airport with Trevor. I had a presentation at the Hilton with two coworkers (Lloyd & Dick). I can tell you one thing, it is easier to present with men than women. Trevor came down and we had a blast. We toured the strip, went swimming, and did the Knights of the Round table show. We were in the evil Dragon group. We sat on the front row. IT was a blast eating with our fingers cheering for the evil dragon. He is a fun kid to be with. I hope to have many many trips with my kids. Individually and as a group. I’m surprised with myself, flying in, taking a taxi, organizing the presentation, motel, info and shows for Trevor. It’s been great and not too hot here in Viva Las Vegas. I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do for Keith’s first angel anniversary. What I have done so far is we got six painted lady caterpillars that we’re watching transform in to a butterfly. We will release them at the cemetery either before or on Keiths angel day, depending when the butterflies are ready. I will be making the mother’s bracelets with the Utah SHARE. That will give me something special to wear from all of my children on Mothers day. We’ll probably place flowers, sing happy angel day, and maybe have TEK blow out a candle for Keithy. We still do miss him and always will. But it does give me something to look forward to in heaven. Besides I am living a life worth living for me and my precious baby Keith (and Angel too). God has something stored for me, now it is up to me to find out how to be listening to him. Have I mentioned how much I love being a wife to a fantastic man, a Mom to three beautiful earthly kids and two heavenly angels. I’ve got good family. I am blessed.

March 11, 2009

Hooray, it’s spring break. I am using this week to get caught up in the million things I am behind. I am co-publishing a HIM prep guide exam book. Until today, it has been alright. Now it is the death of me. I thought my computer crashed on me without me saving the changes. I cussed every word in the book. Anyways, as you can tell I’m typing and my computer is fine….for now. I am presenting at a conference in Las Vegas on online learning with two fellow faculty members. I’m responsible for the data and need to start creating the presentation. How the hell I got in charge of this I’m not sure. I’m trying to be crafty and make these book marks for fellow Mommies who have lost babies. It’s not working out without it’s own problems too. Of course, I’m still head of the house or at least the inside work of it. Plus, trying to get Kayla ready for Kindergarten. We had shots this week. She pulled out the needle. I couldn’t believe how fast she was. Trevor got his hair frosted (blonde on top), he thinks he is so cool. He does look good. Eric is doing alright. Steve and I are working extra hard on his reading. We just can’t seem to get himself motivated to read. Oh and of course, I still get down whenever I see anyone with a baby and I don’t have mine. So if you can’t tell, this spring break is my catch up week. I am still hating my church calling as a pianist. I am so not qualified for it. I love being Mommy, me, and wife to a great man, who too is working hard on his principal intern. Hopefully Keith, Angel, and Heavenly Father will forgive me for outbreaks earlier today. Stress at his best.

Joy vs Sorrow

2009-03-01T09:22:00.000-08:00

March 2, 2009

Now I am getting back to my regular journal writing. Once a month occasional hello I am alive. Three kids, dear husband, work, grieving over two children, trying to decide on other options has been keeping me busy. I’ve spent a lot of time looking at adoption this month. I talked to a dear friend who has adopted and she advised me of a Premier Adoption company down in St George. The only problem is that they mainly focus on newborns. Now if I didn’t have any children, you bet I’d be filling out the paperwork now. But I do have children, five to be precise. Three living and two waiting for me in heaven. I don’t want a newborn. Newbies still scare me. But I really feel there is another child somewhere out there. Ugh! I agree with what Micki told me that my children are too young to take on an older child for adoption. Thus it leaves me with adopting a child between age of 6 mos to 2 years. Not a lot of kids available in that age bracket. I went to the foster care adoption meeting and I have decided I cannot foster. My heart won’t allow it. I carried Keithy with me for 24 weeks and 3 days and I still mourn him every day. I can’t allow children into my hear knowingly that the goal is that they go home. My heart would ache for each of them. But I really want to have my fourth and final child. I’m trying to get the courage to call DCFS and see if they ever allow some parents to adopt as the goal rather then fostering. I already believe I know the answer, so I don’t want to even call.

I don’t want to end this sad, because I post most my journal entries on my grieving blog to show publicly this is what it feels like. I’ve had two friends tell me the scripture “Men are that they might have joy”. And because of my journals, I think people think I’m sad. But that is not true. It has taken me thirtyfive years of my life to really know what joy is. I think loosing Keith taught me that joy is not happy cheerful blogs, it is not looking the best, or smiling all time so I look joyful. It’s the capability of challenging the very existence of each of us on earth. Loosing Keith taught me the real meaning of joy. The Christ like service in others is true joy. I am on the verge of volunteering with other Moms who too have lost babies due to pregnancy and infant loss. That may not be the cheery joy that people think is referred to in the scripture, but that is true Christ like joy. People have much greater sufferings than I all over this world. They too know what true joy is….because they know what sorrow is. Our Savior didn’t turn away anybody and do we question his joy? There is not one picture of our Savior giving the cheesy smile, but I believe he knew what joy was. Service and compassion to others. The joys I have found are the things that have caught me by surprise. I’ve got an amazingly supportive and courageous man in my life I am proud and honored to call him my husband Steve. I never would have imagined loving Motherhood as much as I do. The simple traditions (that are not included on blogs) that we have created is what makes us tick. I have been blessed with the truest and deepest friends. Some that I have had since second grade (almost 30 years). That is joy. My husband and I have both achieved academic goals. We are in many ways as my Mom told me ‘equally yolked’. That is our joy. But our greatest joy is these three children running around our house. How many families chase their kids around the house in their ‘bun buns”? How many read every day with their kids, not because we’re told to because we want to. How many visit the cemetery still weekly so we can know that true joy is not just what is here on earth. How many can look forward for death knowing that there are two children waiting for us. What did Steve and I do right to deserve this? To truly truly understand joy you have to know sorrow. God bless you sooo much Keith for teaching me that lesson. My vision is that when I die, the Savior will be holding you and baby Angel. I’ll make eye contact and you two little toddlers will come running to me. With my arms outstretched, I will give you the biggest hug. I’ll fall over (like I do when TEK does this) and we’ll laugh and laugh. Because we know what joy is. I am one of the luckiest women alive. Watch out world….who knows what I’ll do next.

2009-02-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

Feb 4, 2009
Happy nine month Angel day. Don’t think I have forgotten about you. Just missing you too much even to type. Pray for me Keith….I need you today. Steve and I are really needing answers to some of the most pivotal questions regarding any future children we may have. Please be with us Keithy and baby Angel.

January 19, 2009

Well happy new year. Life has been so far better than how it ended. I’m on my diet (again), but I gurantee these pounds will not be with me at the end of this year. Work has been keeping me pretty busy. They just announced that WSU will cut 150 jobs. I don’t think I’ll be in that cut, but who knows, the non-tenured track assistant college professor just may be. Besides, if I am, I have better things to do with my time. I’ll just miss the benefits that WSU has given me.
It’s been a difficult couple of days. Yesterday going to church we were surrounded by pregnant ladies or baby carseats. This is what happens when you go to a Mormon church ten minutes late. You sit by all the late people. I’m switching religions. Anyone know of one that I won’t see pregnant people or baby carseats? But today was definitely the cherry on top. I spent today (Monday, Martin Luther King day) with TEK and Steve tubing at Snowbasin. We had a great time….but like always things changed. Steve’s folks came and shared dinner at our house (First time since May, but that was ok). They brought K birthday present. They also brought the proofs of the family picture that was taken on Christmas eve. The first time in our fourteen years of marriage that Steve’s siblings were all together. Well all except for the sister in law who didn’t feel good because of her PPD. Well they(my inlaws) informed that they were going to crop in the sis-in-law who didn’t come to the family picture because she is suffering from postpartum depression into the family picture. This is the same in-law who couldn’t come to Keith’s graveside because her baby would have died too. Gosh I hope I don’t suffer from PPD because she did and huh, I think that was the same reasoning why she didn’t come to the funeral for my son Keith. Anyways, Steve mentioned to his parents that if they were cropping in his ‘sis-in-law’, why not crop in our son? My in-laws reply was that they already have a picture of Keith. Don’t they have a picture of her too? You know she deliberately didn’t come to the family picture. I like to think that my son, didn’t have a choice to not be in my family. I miss him every day and all I have is pictures, my necklace, hand/foot molds, and my hoodie from Oct 15 walk to remind me of him. And they want to call it a family picture without my son? I would have been fine if they weren’t going to crop anybody in, but if you’re going to go the extra effort to crop in my husbands ‘sis-in-law’, then you better crop in the most perfect child this family will or would have ever known. Never in this life will I hear my son Keith’s coo or cry. I will never again be able to hold him or walk with him. Heaven just seems to far away to wait for that reunion.
I tend to think I’m doing well, but then this all happens. It’s true one step forward then two steps back. We’ve decided that when I go in to my next Gyn appt the end of this month to schedule an appt to get my tubes tied. I hate to end on this sad note, but TEK need me. I cannot keep focusing on if or when I get pregnant anymore. My husband needs his wife back. TEK need me. More than anything else, I need to regain my life back. Nothing has brought me more happiness then my children nor will. But it is time to close this book of my childbearing years with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart. Besides when I die, I will have the 2 most beautiful children running to me and will wrap their sweet little arms around me and this pain and agony of this earthly life will all have been worth it.

Dec 30

2008-12-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

Dec 30
Well I lost whatever I may have had in those short five weeks. I need to share the dream I had on Saturday night. I dreamed that I held a stillborn baby boy. Surprisingly it was not Keith. He was bigger, had a big belly, he was blue, and he was beautiful. When I woke up, I just couldn’t get this out of my mind. Was God trying to tell me I was going to have another stillborn child? I told Steve about it and he was kind enough to stay home from his church meetings that morning. Meanwhile, I got myself going and the kids and I went to church. During sacrament meeting I said a silent prayer, I didn’t have the strength or endurance to handle another stillbirth, if I was going to loose this pregnancy to a stillbirth, I prayed that instead of having another still birth if I could have a miscarriage. I wouldn’t have traded the experience of Keith, but it had physically, emotionally, and mentally drained me of all my energy leaving me just an ounce to raise TEK and carry on with my life. I just couldn’t go through that again. I feel evil for feeling this way and regret this prayer especially since I came home from church and began spotting. Later that night I went and purchased a pregnancy test which was negative. If for any reason this happened because of my prayer, I am sorry. I just know my earthly limits as Heavenly Father must know my heavenly possibilities.
I love all my children so much. Now in my life, I will begin to take better care of myself. No more will I allow my body to go through the pains and strains of pregnancy. I have been pregnant on Christmas for the last three years, none of them (pregnancies) ending with a healthy living infant. I am closing this chapter of my life. I have been blessed so much with all 6 of my children, 3 here on earth and my now 3 angels soaring over me.

December 28, 2008
Well five weeks into the pregnancy and I’m a nervous wreck. I am spotting some brownish discharge. From what I can tell it can just be normal implantation discharge, but I remember this type of discharge at 8 weeks with baby Angel. So I’m nervous and of course it is Sunday, so I’m taking it easy and just calling the doctor tomorrow. I really want to be done with this. I keep saying if this pregnancy doesn’t work I’m done, definitely done. I love TEK with all that I am. Whatever that thought was that there was one more…well I’ll just have to wait for heaven to meet my soaring angels.
Trevor: ribstick (moveable skateboard), army stuff and more
Eric: ribstick, webkinz
Kayla: princess snowglobe, princess tent, princess blanket. She loved her princess lunch at Ariels grotto in Disneyland.

December 22, 2008
I’m pregnant. I can’t believe it. I am in shock. This is my sixth pregnancy, will it give me a healthy living baby? The last two haven’t. How am I going to do this without being a nervous wreck throughout the next 8 ½ months? So much for trying to be done. How can I help other women grieving with stillbirth, when I am going to be pregnant? I don’t ever want to forget baby Angel and Keith. What if I loose this one too? Where will I bury this one if I need to? I get so much peace knowing the Keith and Angel are together, will this one be joining them too? It’s funny yesterday, Eric had to write a sentence using the word think. So he wrote ‘I think my Mom is going to have a baby’. I asked him what made him write that, he said it is just a sentence. It did get me thinking and that is why 30 minutes ago I took a pregnancy test, just to see it positive. I’m still in shock. I love being a Mom and I treasure everyone of my babies. I haven’t even told Steve, I guess I should schedule a Ob appt. Do I dare go back to my same Ob? Do I dare look at another ultrasound? I can’t believe I am doing this again. I am so nervous. It will be due about the same time Keith was due. I’ve been taking my prenatal, but I did use Nyquil last week with a sinus cold. I hope the alcohol in Nyquil doesn’t cause fetal alcohol syndrome. I am a nervous wreck. I can’t believe it…too early to tell others. I am in shock.

Dec 28

2008-12-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

A touching sweet poem regarding Christmas in heaven

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees round the world below, With tiny lights, like heavens stars, reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular. Please wipe away your tear, For I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring, For it is beyond description to here the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart. But I am not so far away we're really not apart.
So be happy for my loved ones, you know I hold you dear.Be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above. I sent you each a memory of my own undying love.
After all, love is the gift more precious than pure gold. It was always most important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep each other, as our father said to do. For I can't count the blessings or the love he has for each of you. So have a merry Christmas and wipe away your tears. Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. Author unknown

2008-12-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

This was from just one of the remarkable ladies I have met who too has suffered a great loss. May we all find some peace knowing where our babies are this Christmas. God bless you.

2008-12-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

December 19,
Wow has it been this long since my last writing? Let me fill you in. We are in Cedar City tonight staying in a butt ugly motel, but hey it is cheap and we’re leaving first thing in the morning (after the free continental breakfast of course) TEK are just not used to motel life, Kayla keeps asking where is the kitchen and why do we have to walk out of the bathroom to find the sink. I guess they’ve been spoiled from all of our condo styles. Now to fill you in. We are just heading back home from Southern California. We took TEK and my parents (who flew) to Disneyland. We were suppose to meet up with Natalie and her family, but the sunny was missing from Southern Calif and dumped several inches of snow in this area that is not equipped with snow plows, sanders etc to handle. It took them 7 hours from Primm, Nevada to go 45 miles into Fontana, CA wow. Anyways like always, we love Capistrano beach and our nice 2 bedroom 2 bath condo right on the beach. I took the carnation that I had laid on Keiths headstone (from the Angel of hope celebrations) and placed it in the waters of the Pacific ocean. It allows me to envision that his spirit is there within the waters of my favorite place. The kids played in the sand, searched tide pools, swam in the chilly swimming pool, enjoyed San Diego Zoo, and even 2 very wet but fun filled days in Disneyland. I said a prayer today as we were traveling home (first for safety) but second to thank my Father in Heaven for you, Keith. Very very slowly am I seeing a stronger woman than I was before appear. I have 18 plus years of schooling, and I have learned more these last 7 months than I have in my life on what really matters. I am more sympathetic and less worldly. Now don’t get me wrong, I still lack patience (my greatest weakness) but I didn’t ask for Heavenly Father to answer my question if there is another child… Keith exemplifies my life. I would like to be noble enough one day to hold this righteous little baby and thank him for this excruciating and difficult grieving process that I only would have learned through the loss of a child. I love you more and more each day similar to my other children. One day we will be together….one day hopefully far into the distance. For now, I will sleep in this dreary motel with my wonderful sweetheart, and TEK with Keith and Angel watching over us.

November 28, 2008

Well my favorite day of the year has come and gone with financial damage. We tried our best to stimulate the economy, but hey when you are frugal inside out, I’m sure we didn’t make even much of a dent. We are on the frontrunner going down to see the temple lights and it is packed. Again, I had to go through ‘the firsts’. I’ll never get to show my Keithy the temple square lights. I feel fortunate to know where he is and that truly he is in a better place, but I am and will always missing you baby. Until we meet again. Trevor is getting a bb gun for his birthday, Eric got a new bicycle today, and Kayla well she just gets all the girl stuff and that makes her good. I’m trying to go the extra mile and reach to Steve and make sure I am making his holidays good. I love him so much and he too has suffered a tremendous loss and I shouldn’t hamper on his difficulty of the season.

The Thorn without the roses

2008-12-01T13:03:00.001-08:00

A very good friend sent this to me and I wanted to share it:

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind.
Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy.
This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her?
For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "
Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" "Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you." Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except th e ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers. "Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched - was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special,
I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest. Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with ... uh ... she left with no flowers!" "That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'.
I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk.
"She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son
had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life,
I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel." "So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, 'Why? Why me?!'
It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others." Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. "Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?" "Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied. "After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!" "I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh." "Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns." Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out. "I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." "Thank you. What do I owe you?" "Nothing.
Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart.
The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant." Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns. God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you. "Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God." We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and Duct tape. God did it with nails.
__,_._,___

2008-11-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

November 24, 2008

I am truly a different woman now than I was six months ago. More compassionate, more controlling of what matters to me, and never again will I take life for granted. I’ve held an angel on May 4, 2008. I had a nice weekend away with friends, but boy did I miss my family. I love TEK and my husband so much. It’s a nice break (being away) but there is a fear that I may loose them like I did with Keith. I went to a SHARE meeting and they always discuss how the firsts are so hard. I always think well that’s not me, I’m tough. Then it happens. I was playing the piano and my Mom came and sat by me holding my 5 month old niece and I just lost it. I’ll never be able to play the piano for my baby boy. He’ll never hear me play my favorite song, “Mary’s Lullaby”. Gosh if I get so emotional over a song what am I going to do about the holidays. Thanksgiving is 3 days away, I hope I can gain composure. I'll start practicing the 'smile'.

November 15, 2008

Yesterday was so incredibly busy with work. I will not do that again. Two conferences and having to be socialable all day and night. Ok my introvertedness didn’t like this before I was missing you, definitely not now anymore. I have to say I went to a therapist a few days ago and like it. He did recommend me talking to other women in SHARE that have gone through similarities. But he counseled me on my grief. One thing that I speaks more than the other things he said, is that too show emotion and compassion are the characteristics of a real Mom. I have met many people (men and women) who do not show any remorse or sadness when they have learned about my stillbirth. The counselor said there are many that do not know how to express emotions. Yet I have learned (through this ever painful process) of how it is ok to cry and express myself. I’m a real Mom. I may go back to him (the therapist). But I appreciated him saying that I am normal and he expects in the next few months the grieving will not be as intense. Then mentioned there will always be the reminders that will bring it up again. Learning to live with grief is definitely difficult.
It’s official that we’re taking the family to California. Ever since we held the tribute for Keith, I’m excited to go back and take pictures. It will be nice to see how TEK has grown. They too have felt a loss for a brother. How amazing. It has taken me all my life to learn about grief and TEK have suffered, but are also resilient.
So I know I’m a normal grieving mother who loves all her children dearly. I’ve come a long ways since May. I’ve heard of others who have lost babies and I am much more compassionate and like to write sincere letters to them. Talk about us ladies! We’ve come along way. I still head up to the cemetery weekly (if not more). Not a day goes by that I do not think about him. I still wear the necklace I got when I miscarried baby Angel and I added a similar bracelet that Keith was buried with on the chain. I still mourn and I’m sure always will, but hopefully will have some of the ‘intenseness’ fade away in the months to come.

November 4, 2008
Well today is the six month mark. I’m surviving probably because I am so busy. Nobody (besides Steve) even realizes it is his six month day. Happy ½ angel day baby boy! Mom is thinking about you and missing you terribly.

October 2008

2008-10-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Oct 29, 2008
Surprisingly today I have a lot of endorphins. I think that is the stuff that makes you happy. So I thought I better write something happy, since I rarely do. I was talking to someone how my children (TEK aka Trevor, Eric, & Kayla) were getting big so fast. And then I pondered how my Keithy boy will always be my baby. I’ll never see him walk, talk, laugh, cry. I’ll remember holding him while he was still. Any parent can tell you that holding a sleeping child is a remarkable moment, because it feels like you are holding an angel. Well holding Keith on May 4, 2008 I know I was holding an angel. What an honor for me, his Mother to give birth to an angel that did not need to come to this earth. Now don’t get me wrong, I miss him terribly. But in the much larger perspective of life beyond death Keith-you are an inspiration to me, to many others, to all who may read this. I look forward to the day of our reunion. Forever and always your Mommy!
Something I do in my personal journal, but since now this is my journal, I’d like to continue to document the moments or talents of my children. So when I wonder why they grew up so fast I can look back and reflect on ‘moments in time’.
T: (9) loves school, weather (describes the clouds), excited to see High School Musical 3. He is a race car driver for Halloween (Jeff Gordon I think). He is still the tease, but is also helpful when I yell.
E: (7) loves sports, right now his loves is football, loves to go through with Dad especially when Dad bets money (cause Dad always looses), yugi-oh and poke-mon. Eric is the computer guru-for him we place time limits especially now with high speed internet at home (finally). Eric is a ninja for Halloween. I didn’t know how to dress him up like Jaden on Yugi-oh.
K: (4) definitely the girl, loves to sing and impersonate her preschool teachers at circle time or at nap time (down to the flip flops), can do the chicken dance better then anyone I know. She’s a princess for Halloween again for the third year in a row. Different costumes, but once a princess always a princess.

October 22, 2008
I have been doing good for sometime and just lost it yesterday. I couldn’t take care of myself let alone TEK. Poor Steve had to make dinner and get them ready for bed. I usually don’t feel that depressed, but I do. I’m frustrated how long it takes me to do anything and everything. I felt bad, usually I can handle cooking, but not yesterday. It probably had something to do with my monthly, Steve wanting to try, and I don’t. I am not going to bury another child. Do I want another? I don’t know. I feel better about adopting rather then having to endure nine months of pregnancy wondering hey is this child going to make it or not? In some ways I feel like I have been pregnant, trying to be pregnant, and grieving for now two years, and to add on another year to that seems unbearable. I think God just likes to toy with my emotions. For the longest time I have felt so strong that there was one more child, yet this is how my prayers are answered with a miscarriage and stillbirth.
I’m watching the boys in gymnastics while I’m typing this and listening to these two women just yak and yak. They’re talking about their pregnancies and how tough they are. Well try it the other way and loose the child and see how difficult it is. These two ladies I’d classify as the fake Mormon ladies who just think they are so perfect and righteous, only problem is they haven’t truly experienced life. Do they really know what it is like to bury a baby? Do they know what true grief is or is that when they lost their shopping list. If only all I had to do was conceive a child then I could get pregnant. But I have to deal with the thoughts that this one I might have to bury too. What a bunch of fakes. And too think I was once one of those ladies. Yuck! Man, if you could listen to the faker lady talking about 100 miles per hour about me me me me and my pregnancies and my perfect children. Give me a barph bag now!
I would truly like Steve to consider adoption, but he doesn’t think that is right for us. He doesn’t want to push me into pregnancy, but I sure don’t feel right. I recall reading that you’re ready to try when the risk of loosing one weighs less then the thought of trying again. I doubt I’ll ever be there.

October 16, 2008
We have journeyed to Hanksville, Utah. Not much here, in fact the campground is rather ugly. Unfortunately I didn’t realize how many families like to camp in Goblin Valley. We went to Goblin Valley this evening and boy what a blast it was! TEK and Steve and I played hide and seek. It was so fun to hide in the crevices and climb on the rock formations. We loved it. We’re going back tomorrow for a hike down into wild horse slot canyon and then to play hide n seek in the daylight. Boy I was spooked in the night even with flashlights. We’re having a great time. Wish you were here with me. But as we were walking tonight and I saw the full moon I could just imagine you and baby Angel playing together. It reminded me of the Sesame Street song about if I could go to the moon on a rocketship high in the air etc. It’s like that I would love to go to the moon to be closer to Keith and Angel, but I don’t want to live there, because I need to be here with TEK and Dad. They need me and this earth needs all the help we can get. I wish you could be here with me. I miss you. Trevor and I bore my testimony in church this past Sunday. It was hard, but I felt that I needed to. After spending last Saturday at the Share walk to remember. I’m never going to forget you and I’ll look forward to our reunion, but for now here on earth is where I will be with TEK and Steve. I love Keith and Angel, God bless our love.

October 8, 2008
Well I just snapped at your brothers pretty bad. I don’t know why I am having a hard day and I just so badly want answers from my Heavenly Father of why he has done this and why I can’t get over this. I feel bad for taking it out on Trevor and Eric, although they had it coming. Today it just seems like the weight of this loss overburdening me. What is Heavenly Father wanting me to become of this? All I see in me is a woman who is more likely to loose it easier then before. I am realizing even at work I cannot accomplish as much as I used to. I’m just fed up today and am unfortunately taking it out on the ones I love the most.
This weekend is the walk in remembrance of the babies we have lost. I am looking forward to Steve and TEK coming. Hoping it will remind them to carry on and perservere. Too bad I can’t teach myself that. It’s just been a very difficult day dealing with Keithy. I miss him sooo much. Why couldn’t God take a baby away from a child abuser, murderer, drug user etc. Why did he have to take mine? The child I have prayed for for over two years! The child I already purchased new clothes and high chair for. We finished our basement for crying out loud for our growing family! I had already planned on savings account for his college like I did his siblings. Why Heavenly Father? Why Keith? Not that I would have liked you any better if you would have taken TEK, but why now, why Keith? What am I suppose to learn from this? Is there another child? I wish someone could answer my questions. Is anybody out there capable of answering these questions please let me know. It just hurts so bad and when is it going to get any better.

2008-10-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

September 19, 2008

We are camping at Willard bay park in our new tent trailer. TEK has been so excited. We were still unloading and Trevor and Eric found a garter snake. It looks like it is going to be a cold night. We’ll see if we survive. If we don’t, I know of two special angels on the other side waiting for me and I am anxiously awaiting our reunion. For some reason it has been an emotional day. Some days it just feels good to cry and today was one of those days. I’ve been looking into adoption, and just don’t think it is going to be for us. I have told people, that I would be interested in adopting a little girl around 18 months. I don’t want to spend $35,000 and wait 3 years to go to China and adopt, but I just can’t think that this was my final baby. I miss Keith and Angel and I just hate to end on this note. Yet, TEK need me and I need them. Yesterday at dinner I was asking them if they were glad Keith was in our family even if it was for a short time. Trevor said how he has grown because of Keith and looks forward to meeting his brother. Eric said how Keith helps him every day when he has a problem. Kayla is constantly making cards, pictures etc for Keith to take to the cemetery. Here I was thinking that Keith caused a hole in them. Yet they chose to take the positive road. Boy, could I learn from them. Right now, I’m full of bitterness to Heavenly Father for not answering my prayers of ‘what now’. I keep thinking Keith’s death wasn’t in vain, but what am I suppose to be or do with this new woman I am because of Keith?
This week was also baby Angels due date one year ago. I should have a one year old running around, but I don’t. I should have a newborn to hold, but I don’t. I have a mind full of questions and want answers to what I should do with this new found knowledge I hold. In case you can’t tell, patience is a virtue I lack incredibly. Only the future knows, but I just can’t wait a month, let alone a year, or even a eternity. This must be God’s way of forcing patience within me.

September 24,

I just read the news article of the sentencing of the man that took the lives of my neighbors baby boy and mother. He received just 6 months and a misdemeanor for vehicular manslaughter. Fortunately his license is suspended for life. The sad thing that she says is that he has never apologized. Why is it so hard to just say, listen I screwed up and apologize! If it sounds any better I’m feel fortunate that I did not have to go through a trial that took over a year to come to. Hopefully the healing can begin. Her grieve has been to intense for too long thanks to this horrible man. I order three more books today about stillbirth, moving on, and one called Big George. I still wear the necklace that I purchased in memory of baby Angel and that holds the bracelet that Keith was buried in. I’ve worn it every day. I’m also still considering getting a tattoo with Keith’s name in a blue heart. I just want to make sure I find a place that doesn’t give me hepatitis. That’s all I need, more medical and emotional problems. One thing I notice that helps me is when I exercise. It truly helps my emotional stress. If I was to encourage anybody dealing with this is to exercise. I’m sitting watching the boy’s gymnastics class wondering if Keithey would have been a gymnast. The ‘What might have beens’ are so hard some times. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with Angie, I hope I can just listen and let her vent the pain and agony she has had to go through with this trial. My heart and prayers go out to her.

October 1, 2008

I copy this from Word and place on my blog. This is my journal and also my way of sharing the grieving of my baby boy Keith Perry Merkley born on May 4, 2008. I also want to share it, but can only imagine how confusing to the reader of the blog. I’m working on getting involved with the Utah Share group. Also, Pat Wimpie from NILMDTS helped me get a beautiful 11x14 picture of our family including Keith at the one month tribute held to him in Dana Point, California. How am I healing? Well depends on the day. Some days are fine, then there are the rest of the days of the month. Steve told me yesterday he’d like to try again. I am in shock. I’m the one that is usually baby hungry not him and I don’t know why he is saying he’s ready to try. I know it is partly out of easing my pain, but not all of it. I love my husband and he hasn’t told be why now he wants to try again. Does he feel there is another one? I don’t think I am ready to try….yet. I can’t bury another baby! I don’t want the same outcome of my last two pregnancies (miscarriage, stillbirth). Am I ready to be considered a high risk pregnancy? Am I ready to fear each day if this child’s heart has stopped beating? I just can’t do it..yet. Why all of a sudden did my husband tell me he is ready to start trying? Is there another one for our family.

2008-09-03T11:02:00.001-07:00

Aug 29, 2008
We’re heading to Island Park for a family reunion wish I could strap you in your car seat and come along with us. I have found much peace in taking Keith on these trips. Literally I sleep with his blanket and just he and I go to all of the beautiful places in the world in my dreams. It is our time and I picture Keith as a toddler. I spoke to a friend today about options of adoption. Keith was my last baby I held, and I don’t want to hold another baby, and I’m wondering (praying) if the Lord has in mind another child that is to come to our family through adoption. I think back to this saying that I got from a Mother who had a stillborn: The road I am on is my son’s gift to me. The least I can do as his Mother is to continue on this journey and see where it takes me. It is just one of many options Steve and I are looking (ok me more than Steve). Hey, congrats, I survived the first miserable week of school!!!!

2008-09-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

Sept. 3, 2008
It seems whenever I go somewhere I have to get over the 'firsts'. It was the first trip to Yellowstone/Island Park w/o my baby Keith. It was hard watching my sisters all feed their babies and I just could hold the memories. I never thought I was so sentimental to the 'firsts'. But I guess I am. It was also hard this trip, because of my neighbor who lost her Mom and her baby boy in a horrific car accident coming home from Island Park. Even Steve who doesn't get very sentimental thought of that as we drove to and fro. My heart and soul go out to her and she too grieves over her Mom and baby boy Hudson.
We did have an enjoyable trip. Prior to Keith I was usually happy (naturally). Now I can become happy, but I have to work on it. Ok, I was a pessimist at times, but that has gotten worse. I love love love my TEK. I truly don't know what I would do without them. They keep me going. Kayla just loves her school. Trevor & Eric are thriving in their grades. We went on a family bike ride. It was just nice. I think I feel Keith and Angel when I am outdoors. They are in the breeze or the sun. They are with me, but just not physically and that hurts.

2008-08-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

August 27, 2008
Believe me it is not that I am doing any better, I’m just so busy, I can’t write in ways of trying to grieve or heal. I survived the due date (August 20)….barely. I almost lost my now hated job, spoke to my doctor about getting medicated, and contemplated the rest of my life. I have had to go back to work, which I didn’t think would be as hard as it was. I went to a Share meeting with a neighbor of mine who lost her Mom and baby boy in a car accident. Getting the kids back in school too was emotional. I had to make the decision about charter school vs public school (go public school-that’s where my boys are). Steve started his new principal (public school) job and is overwhelmed. Kayla is happy to be back in school, although was scared for preschool today. That’s ok I love being the Mommy. I’m trying to decide if I want to try to have another child. My baby hungry craves have ended. I only want one particular baby and I had to bury him. I think that would stop anybody from being baby hungry having to go through the painful ordeal of burying a child. I’m back to sleeping with Keith’s blanket. I told Eric that that was my comfort object (as he still likes his teddy). Our last Share meeting topic was on subsequent choices, and hearing about women who have had to go through pregnancy after loss just still sounds like way too much for me to handle. We are considering adoption, but as Steve said we don’t want to look and literally just want the child (up to two years of age) to appear on our doorstep. I need to explore these options more. Of good news, our basement is finally through. Maybe next time I will write will be from a psychiatric ward..it’s probably where I am heading.
Aug. 5, 2008
Yesterday I went up to work and realized it had been three months since I delivered you. I had to go in close the door and just let myself loose it for a moment. I found out I am getting my own office and I am so grateful for that. I just need my moments thinking of you. I spoke to the lady I work with and she started to bug me saying how I need to back to work on Aug 18. Two words bite me! I told her I would be in and out that week and feel good with that much. I’m dreading going back to work full time. It will be much easier having my own office with space and time. I should be 38 weeks tomorrow and still I am mourning you. When will it get easier? It seems easier when I am lost in service of others. I made a dinner for a neighbor of mine who had lost her mom and baby in a car accident.
I survived a week without Steve, my parents, or sister. Even on top of that, I was able to watch additional children and work on the basement. I only lost it once when Kayla and Trevor were fighting. I cannot wait until this basement is down. I want to make a tribute shelf to Keith and display all of the memorabilia rather then keeping everything in boxes. I hope to have it ready on Aug 20. I also attended a SHARE picnic last week. That was really good to me to see all the women who too have lost one and could still continue on. It was interesting looking at ways people remembered their children. One had a lock of hair in a capsule and made a necklace, one had a angel tattoo with her child’s name on it, others (like me) had pictures and were too busy caring for their children here on earth. We’re all just trying to persevere through this life with the hope and dream of one day one day meeting our angel babies.
July 23, 2008
People are pushing me. I am just not there yet. My brother is bothered that I haven’t seen his baby. I just can’t look at a newborn yet. I love their baby even though I haven’t met her and I don’t want any danger to happen to her, but I should still be pregnant, 36 weeks to be precise, so how can I look at another baby knowing that I will not be holding my own baby in four more weeks. I’m overhearing these women talking about their pregnancies, and I can’t join them. I am excluded from that group, so why can’t I just exclude myself from the newborn groups too. I want to hold my baby, but I can’t. I got these beautiful pictures developed showing our family with Keith in the clouds. A lady in Oregon created them. This is a woman who she too has a baby angel. No one can even fathom the pain of burying a baby, and no one should. But if you have had to do this hardship, you need to seek out others who knows what you are going through and not pushing you to do things that you are just not ready yet.
Steve is leaving for San Diego next week, my folks are leaving to Washington, and my sister will be in Idaho. I am already trying to figure out what to do with my time. TEK will keep me busy, but one thing I know since I’ve lost you, Keith is it is hard for me to make decisions. I just hope I don’t wind up in the psychiatric ward next week.
I taught the cute sunbeams on Sunday and the lesson was on Families are Forever. I showed them the picture of our picture (that includes Keithy in the clouds) and one child asked how come you are not holding the baby? I kindly said that our baby is with Jesus. They asked how come?. I didn’t want to try and explain saying the word died or asleep, so I just reiterated that Jesus wanted him that he is with him right now. Oh said the child and that answered his questions. If only I could be like a child and be satisfied with that. I want to know why? Why did I pray for something and thought there was another child for me to hold, and this was all I got…was to bury my precious baby. I know that Keith just didn’t need to be tested here on earth, but his Mommy still misses him. Sometimes I wonder why the Lord made mourning so painful at times.

2008-07-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

June 25, 2008
Six months to Christmas and I’m already trying to think of how I can include you in our Christmas celebrations. I have been doing better these last couple of days. Only shedding a few tears rather then buckets. It may be that TEK is keeping me busy, plus the dog, the basement, the husband etc. Steve’s birthday is in two days and we are going to be spending it in Cherry Hill. I finally got the picture of all of us at Dana Point together with Keith in the sky. It took me forever. For a while today I just stared at the picture I got of you. Your face, your ears, your ten little fingers and toes. You were perfect. I’m allowing myself to change but ironically it isn’t how I thought it would be. I thought I’d be involved in the SHARE group, but twice I’ve tried to attend their meeting, the first I goofed, the second time they did. I really like to surround myself with others who know how to loose a child. I’m busy reading articles on the internet. Searching for books. I look back at my life prior to loosing you and wonder how stupid I must have been to not of understood how painful grieving over a baby would or could be. Sometimes I just wish other people could experience this hole in my heart for a day, then maybe maybe they would be a little more understanding. My life is forever changed and I can take on anything or at least it seems now, I have lost a child.
June 26, 2008
I went to the temple last Saturday and while I was performing sealings and leaning against the altar, I felt an adult gentleman standing behind me and he placed his hand on my shoulder. I’m not certain who it was, I thought I should be feeling a baby, but instead I felt the presence of a grown man. In heaven you take on an adult size spirit and body, so maybe that was him. I still think he is my baby. I yearn to hold him, but maybe he is holding me? Something must be keeping me going on this earth. Keith is far more perfect then I am. I am being tested here on earth. He has ‘The crown without the conflict’. For the marriage sealings I was performing I was praying that they could be comforting my baby. I still refer to him as my baby, but need to realize that he has his perfect adult form and spirit. One day I know I will get to raise him, but in the meantime I am learning patience until then.
Jun 29, 2008
Linda Gubler sent me a copy of her journals from when she had a stillborn. She had copied some quotes from Brigham Young, Bruce R. Meconkie regarding stillbirths and these children we can raise in the resurrection. I have no doubt that I will see Keith and be able to raise him again. It’s just the wait inbetween and the grief that I am dealing with now to get over. Anyways, Linda gave a list of the events of his son’s short life, and I thought I would do that here.
On Dec 13, 2007 I went to my Ob for my annual check up, we had been trying to conceive, but I had taken a pregnancy test on Dec 9 and it was negative so I didn’t think I was pregnant. Just in case, the nurse gave me another pregnancy test and I still remember her opening the door to my room and peaking her head around the door and saying ‘Do you know that test was positive’? I was so excited. I waited until that evening after the kids were in bed to tell Steve. Since we had lost baby Angel, I didn’t want it to happen again by telling them too early. I told Steve that we needed to have the basement done by mid August and he was asking me why then. I told him that was when the baby was due. He was surprised, shocked, and overwhelmed all at once.
On Jan 10, 2008, I went to my Ob appt and saw this beautiful heartbeat just a pounding away. I was given the due date of August 20 for you. We told the kids who couldn’t keep their mouths shut. They told friends, teachers, primary, grandparents etc. They were all excited about your arrival! Eric would come and kiss my tummy. Kayla told everyone she was going to be a big sister. I was given the option (mainly due to my age) to have a geneticist to some additional checking on the baby. Needless to say, I accepted. I am all for health and safety in protecting my babies.
January 30, 2008 I got to have an ultrasound performed in the maternal fetal medicine department at McKay Dee Hospital. Steve came too. The tech (Angie Jones) was a lady in our ward so it was kind of fun to share our exciting news with her. She took a picture of you that she thought you maybe a boy, but I was holding out (wanting a girl). You were sooo cute wiggling around. Plus Steve and I saw several friends, including Julie Madsen (who was later the tech on the labor and delivery day when I delivered you), Suzie Graves and Sandra Dahl from the Wilson 2nd ward, and a previous coworker. I loved that ultrasound day. I even volunteered to participate in a study down at the U of U for pregnant women
On February 7, 2008, I went to my 12 week appt to hear your heartbeat with the Doppler. The sounds of reassurance as I had called it. Dr. Lesser said my blood work and my ultrasound looked like a perfect pregnancy. To say the least, I was walking on water. The first AFP test was ordered for end of February.
On March 6, 2008 I went for my 16 week appt. I heard your precious little heartbeat. And then Dr. Lesser said that your AFP test was high. She thought I had taken it too early and requested that I take it again. I did only to find out it was high again. A high AFP test meant a possibility for neural tube defects, prematurity, and the one word I never remember reading until after May 4, a stillbirth.

On March 27, I had my big ultrasound appt at the maternal fetal medicine. I recorded this ultrasound and have watched you moving many many times all through it. They checked you for neural tube defects (spina bifida, opening in the stomach). All was good. I saw the four chambers of your heart just pounding a way. Early on the tech paused to check your kidneys and there it was on the big screen for all to see. Your penis. You were a boy! I even made her check again, you were a beautiful healthy baby boy. The perinatalogist came in who said all looks good on the ultrasound. He said my AFP test score really wasn’t that high, less than a tenth high, so not to worry. The AFP test is a commonly false positive. Again we saw friends, Julie Madsen, Becky Roundy from West Haven who said we were doing it Roundy style (3 boys and 1 girl), Andrea Dahl and Suzie Graves from Wilson 2nd ward. I was walking on water. I bought 3 bubble gum cigarettes for your siblings and gave them a treasure hunt to find them and to find out you were a boy. Then I showed them the ultrasound and pointed out your penis. Kayla’s reaction was “Penis, I wanted a girl.” She was ticked. I had asked her several times if she wanted a brother or a sister and she always said how she had brothers. Little did she realize that girls are sisters and boys are brothers. Another happy day along the pregnancy with you.
On April 6, 2008 I went to my 20 week appt. I told Dr. Lesser that I wasn’t feeling you kicking much. She told me in the next month as you gain additional cartilage I would feel you more. She checked your heartbeat on the Doppler which was a perfect 150 beats per minute. She reviewed the big ultrasound results and said that all was looking good and not to worry. I was a one happy Momma walking on water.
Over the next couple of weeks I was kind of emotional. I seemed to be more hormonal then normal pregnant mom even. I had set out all your baby clothes. I had purchased a high chair and a bunch of baby clothes for you. I still haven’t been able to look at those boxes and seeing the high chair brings me to tears. I knew that you would be our last child, so I gave all of my girl clothes to Curt & Steph who were having a little girl.
I recall lying on our microfiber green couch in the bonus room and feeling you kick. It was very light and very sporadic. I loved my little secret. You were so cute. I made a path for the bathrooms visits at night so I wouldn’t have to touch the cold tile. On April 27 I noticed I wasn’t getting up to use the bathroom. During those last few days of April, I wasn’t feeling you kick and I wasn’t getting up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Honestly I just thought you had switched positions and were not lying on my bladder. I would go to bed lie on my side and push a little and I thought, I truly thought I felt you move….If only I knew what lied ahead.
On May 1 2008, I went to your appt. I noticed from the scales that I had only gained two pounds in the last month. I didn’t worry too much. I was called back to my room and told the nurse I just need to hear your heartbeat. She told me that at anytime I needed to feel reassurance to come in. Then Dr. Lesser came in and I told her how wasn’t feeling you move. She then looked at my chart and told me how I had a anterior placenta and you didn’t have much cartilage and was still quite small and not to worry. I relaxed for a moment and she said now let’s listen to that sweet heartbeat. As she was searching she said to be patient due to the anterior placenta it is difficult to find. I knew that she didn’t have a problem even when I was only twelve weeks along finding the heart beat. Afterwards, she said never mind, let’s go take a look on the ultrasound. Before I even had my pants pulled up I was heading to the ultrasound room. I lied there and she began looking at you. It didn’t take even five seconds to realize that you were not breathing. I started to say “No” and started to hyperventilate. Dr. Lesser said real quietly, that I was of the minority and that you had passed away. She asked me when I last felt for surely your movement. I knew it was one week or longer ago. She then said I probably lost you around 23 weeks or so. She apologized to me. I was crying my heart out. I said “That you were the child we prayed for”. And Dr. Lesser said that the hardest part of life is “Thy will be done”. She hugged me as I tried to figure what had happened these last few minutes.
From that moment on the grieving for you began and is still going on. I wrote you a birth letter that goes through the moments from May 1 –May 8 that I have in the family album. I continue to type the grieving moments, so I can continue to see who and how I have changed. Yes, I am still crying as I type this.
July 1, 2008
Well I am actually feeling somewhat normal. Maybe that is because I had a nervous breakdown yesterday. I feel I can deal with my loss better today. We have been trying to get the basement done and between that and Keith’s death, I am stressed beyond measures. I am realizing that their will be tough times ahead and I need to make a reserve bank for myself to handle everything. Steve and I had a good conversation yesterday. We talked about how we want to feel Keith and teach TEK about bringing Keith’s spirit to our home. I have heard people that have lost children how they have dreams, so I am hoping to be able to dream (and remember) about Keith. I can tell that I still have much anger about some of the comments people have said to me and I must continue through this miserable grieving before I can have peace. I am loving the woman who I have become through each of my children and particularly you.
July 8, 2008
I think everyone else has been able to move on except me. Steve told people yesterday that we were great. Obviously I wasn’t included in that ‘How are you guys doing?’ I haven’t been great since April. Nobody else knew that it was your 2 month anniversary of your Angel day on Independence Day. I’m sure no one except for me came a visited your grave. Nobody even asks me how I am doing. I think people try to avoid me. On Sunday, there was a baby blessing and the couple (our crummy neighbors) kept saying how blessed they were and how they don’t worry if something happens to them, because families are forever. Well let them try to have their family separate from earth and heaven and see how happy they are. I sat in my primary class room for an hour just trying to gain composure. Della Coombs tried to comfort me, I appreciated that. I still won’t look at my niece, Morgan. It isn’t right for me to have to hear or see a baby when I can never see mine until I die. It just isn’t fair. My brain knows you are in a better place, but just don’t try and tell my heart. It still aches for you. TEK all beared their testimony and talked about how they believe in angels. I doubt half of the ward even knew about your existence and that TEK really did get the opportunity to hold an angel on May 4, 2008. I keep praying that I will have a vision or feel of your presence, but the only time I truly felt you near me was in the temple, and I am not sure if it was you. I had a dream (nightmare) that I had another stillbirth. I hadn’t even gotten over you and now I was grieving again for another loss. It just isn’t fair. I know life wasn’t suppose to be fair, but damnit it sure would be nice if it was.

July 16, 2008
Hey it is been a while since I wrote. Ihave been busy lately with the kids, plus I am working today trying to get a neighbor who lost her son and her mom in a tragic accident. Service to others is really helping with the grief. I think I may be down, and I realize that others have it even harder. I am writing a letter who lost her 5 mos old son by accidentally leaving him in the car. The grief alone must be unbearable, I cannot imagine the media, and the guilt that she must be facing. My heart goes out to her. Other then I can’t decide if I want to be involved in my husbands family anymore, life is going good. I met someone the other day who knew I was pregnant, but didn’t know of Keith’s death. I was able to talk to her without crying. I told her I enjoyed talking about him, I didn’t want him to be forgotten. I feel blessed that TEK have more of an understanding of eternal families and how fragile life is because of their precious baby brother, Keith. I read a short quote that went on with the book, ‘I love you forever’. It is “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”. It is a good way to end todays journal writing.

2008-06-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

June 22
I try not to write not just on sad moments, but maybe I’m back to having more sad moments then good again. Seven weeks ago I was just as naïve as many that haven’t suffered a baby loss. But my heart has now felt the pain anad agony of loosing something so close. I gave this child life and for twentyfour weeks we were together and now we are permanently apart and it hurts. In these past month and a half I have heard the most rude and callous remarks such as but not limted to, I understand what you’re going through I had a c-section and I wanted a normal delivery for my twins or I bet your arms ache right now (what about my heart) or the Indian culture won’t let me see you because you might kill my baby too. Lack of education shows for some. And to top it all off, I am suppose to respect their horrid ideals during my grief. That’s like telling something to hail Hitler. It seems that sometimes we’re suppose to respect the horrible people on this earth rather then allow those that have the right to mourn. And Jesus wept. If the Savior had the right to mourn then so to I without the callous remarks from some people.
I’m suppose to move on and ‘get over it’. I know I have much to be blessed. You can tell my brain that, just not my heart. I’m suppose to be able to visit with other peoples babies and just say that is how it was suppose to be. My baby is in my heart and everybody else’s get to be loved and grow here on this earth. I know my limits. I do not surround myself with people who say callous remarks to me and people with babies. I will not surround people like that at least not right now.

2008-06-22T18:39:00.001-07:00

June 18
Just when you think life doesn’t get any worse it does. I went to the cemetery to discuss the problems we were having with your headstone, come to be informed, because I opted to have you share Grandma’s grave, I will never be allowed to place flowers, momentos on your headstone. I lost it, I was balling right there in the cemetery office. The three employees literally were gaining up on me. I hate them all. They told me I knew this. I called my folks and somehow (only by a miracle) they found one of the board of directors who came and at least listened to my story and the difficulty this loss has been. We will see what comes of this tomorrow. I ate lunch today with a neighbor who she too suffered a loss of a child and also her Mother in a car accident by a horrible person. I guess the cemetery people didn’t cause your loss, they just keep throwing salt on my already open wounds. I guess I can say I am in a ‘group’ that only Mom’s who have had to bury their children can join. It’s interesting that this gal has grieved for almost a year, she still desperately mourns and misses her baby (and Mom). I keep thinking it will get easier, but this week has brought me back to the first week of loosing you, except besides my parents and immediate family no one else is mourning for you. I am now not only typing this as my journal, but also on a blog. I am hoping to one day look back and say ‘These were the hardest days of my life’. I just hope I am not ninety when I say these things. Another quote I heard was ‘Most people dream of Angels, well on May 4, 2008, I got to hold one’. Thank you Keithey for coming into my life. I miss your terribly. I know I’ll get through this week….hopefully without any felonies.

2008-06-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

Of note: On May 4, I delivered my fifth child. Keith Perry Merkley entered this world as quitely as he left. He was termed a stillborn. But I like to say he is an angel. Many of you may dream of angels, but on this day I got to hold one. It was a painful yet new day that has changed many ways I deal with life. Part of my plan with this blog is to publicly display some of the feelings I am going through. I have been keeping a journal on my computer (mainly because it is easier for me to type then to write), and I would like to share this with all my friends, family, and strangers who may know someone or are interested in the difficulties in the 'grief' over a loss of a baby. Below I have my journal writings for six weeks. Remember, Keith was born on May 4, so over the last six weeks you will see the grieving process in live reality. Also, some of my journals were written to my son (Keith) some are not. Sorry for any confusion, it is what has helped me heal most.

May 22, 2008

Dearest Keith,

Here I am riding the commuter rail with your sister, Kayla and am thinking about you. I miss you and truly wish I could hold you right now. I’m trying to be the best mother I can to Trevor, Eric, & Kayla, but it is not the same without you. I was suppose to be 27 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I must have loved you much, because the grief for your earthlyloss seems unbearable at times. Kayla gets upset at me when I cry for you. I try to explain they are happy tears, yet she reminds me when I cry that you are in heaven and will one day will be my baby to hold.

May 23, 2008
I want you to know Keith that I am grieving for you. My heart yearns to be with you. But I know that Trevor, Eric and Kayla & your Dad need me. I’m not afraid of dying now. I know that I will get to hold you and play with you. I know that you are with baby Angel and together I hope you are watching over me & Dad and your older siblings. As in the song I am A Child of God ‘Lead me, guide me, walk Beside Me’. Until I meet with you again, God Bless our Love.
June 1, 2008
Keith it has been one month since I found out I lost you. I spent some time today and thought of the day I delivered you and some of the moments that were slipping away. Like the admitting registrar who came in and was gathering information regarding the admit and expressed her apologies to me. Come to find out she had lost a baby to SIDS a year ago. It seems for some unknown reason God takes some special ones so young. I used to think I was ‘safe’ from this group you know after having three healthy children with out any major problems. You have now shown me that I too am unsafe for the pain and suffering that humans on earth go through. I didn’t know this, but the tech, Julie Madsen (Steve taught her kids) who helped me with your delivery stayed longer just to help me with your delivery. I read an article that touched me yesterday. It was written by Suzanne Pullen who too suffered a stillbirth of a baby boy around the same time I did. It said, ‘The road I am on is my son’s gift to me. The least I can do as his Mother is to continue on this journey and see where it takes me’. I keep reminding myself of this. Keith you have changed me in more ways than I can explain. I am a different mother to TEK. I am more cautious with them. I worry about their safety. Granted, I am more likely to become irritable with them, I have to remind me and them that I am still suffering your great loss. I am writing this from Capistrano Beach, California. We arrived today with TEK. I got emotional coming on this family trip seeing the Pacific ocean and realized that I would never be able to hold you as you touch the ocean for the first time. I wouldn’t be able to show you the beauty of this place I love. We’re going to throw a tribute to you on June 4 at Dana Point. I am looking forward to this. Keith, I know you are here watching over us, but I truly wish I could hold you in my arms. I miss you so much. I am forever your Mommy!
June 3, 2008
Today is your brother Eric’s birthday. He turned seven. I don’t know if you recall this or not, but on May 1 prior to taking the kids to school and going to my doctors appt, Eric came up to me and gave you a kiss on my tummy and said he loved you. It wasn’t the first time he did that during my pregnancy, he’s my snuggle bug. I was thinking of some special moments of you today. One was in regard to the Christmas Box story about the music box. A couple of weeks after you passed away, at 3 AM in the morning a music box that was in Kayla’s room went off. We had gotten this music box from Dad’s coworker who was retiring, and it didn’t work very well (no I didn’t want it to wake your sis at 3 AM in the morning). It woke me up, but no one else in our house. It kept me up so I finally went and tried to shake the music box to turn it off. That didn’t work so I went and hid it under the pillows in the library couch. If you recall in the Christmas Box story, the music box keeps the father up at night and makes him ‘snoop’ around and find out what the woman he is living with keeping in the attic (he finds out the woman had a child who he had lost). I kept thinking that was maybe your ‘spirit’ showing me at 3 AM that you are with me even when no one else is hearing the music box. I love you Keith and baby Angel. I get so much comfort that you are together. I do not fear death, in fact part of me looks forward to it so I can see you again. I have changed much in the short month since your passing. I am a different woman a better mother (not sure about the spouse thing right now, I am still emotional and Steve hears about it a lot). I often wonder if it would have been better to have had you and Angel 1st and 2nd in the line of my children rather then 4th and 5th. I hope if anything out of this I can be a better woman. More compassionate towards others, more humble, more patient, I guess….more Christlike.
June 4, 2008
Today is the one month since your birth. I should be 28 weeks and 5 days pregnant, instead I am mourning for you. I don’t know if you can tell by my typing, but we are in California, our favorite place in Capistrano Beach. Today we are going to the most beautiful spot in the world, Dana Point. I have brought some dried flowers that covered your small casket and that friends/family brought to our home to spread on the Pacific Ocean at Dana Point. I have always loved the ocean. It is my refuge, my place that takes all my worries away. I feel at peace and that life will go on as each wave comes in. We will all say something to you and let a flower go into the ocean in remembrance of the moments you were here on earth. We know that you will be in our hearts forever. My friend Teresa’s husband said he felt his brother a lot while on his mission. I told this to Trevor and Eric and they too look forward to going on a mission to feel your spirit with them. Keith Perry Merkley, your life on earth was only a moment, but you will remain in my heart forever. I have worn the necklace that I got in remembrance of baby Angel and it also holds the identical (well for you it was a bracelet) ring on me since the day I delivered you. I just don’t want to ever forget you. Hopefully the ocean will be more of my favorite place to visit it will always remind me of you. Like Beaus pond is my special place for baby Angel, the ocean is my special place for you. Besides this is giving me time to ponder and pray and be with you and your siblings. I love you Keithey. God bless our love.
I am now at Dana Point California, the loveliest place God created. We just had a family tribute to Keith Perry Merkley. I couldn’t think of a better place to pay respects to the loveliest person I ever held than here. We each took some flowers said some remarks regarding you and dropped them in the water. We watched the waves recede into the ocean with the flowers in remembrance of our son, Keith. I did very well emotionally. I know you are here in spirit, I just wish I could physically be holding you. We as a family will probably not have a tribute again for you until well at least until Aug 20, maybe Christmas. I will continue to type this journal for you as I move through this enduring grieving process. I guess it is true, I risked to love, so I am faced with grieving the loss of you. Keith I yearn to be with you so much it hurts. But Kayla, Eric, & Trevor need me and I know you are in good hands with our Mother and Father in Heaven. You have our big brother Jesus right there with probably playing ball with you and baby Angel. Why they tear Mothers and babies apart I don’t know. I tried to explain to Kayla (who herself was teary eyed and Trevor that this life is like a board game. You have already finished your game (or test) and Kayla, Eric, Trevor and I still playing. We hope to win the prized honor like you and live with our Heavenly parents and Savior. Help us Keith attain the honor of living with you, baby Angel, our Savior, and our Heavenly parents. Believe me, we’ll need it. Until then, God bless our love.
June 8, 2008
We are on our way home from California. As we are traveling, I am thinking about you. Wondering the ‘what if’ of life. I miss you. I love the ocean, and now I have another reason why, because of you. Thank you for making my dreams come true of being a Mother to beautiful son. I think of the Garth Brooks song. I could have missed the pain, but I would have to miss the dance. I love you Keith, your earthly Mother.
June 16, 2008
I had a bad day or so the song is sung like that. I must have cried today as much as I did the first week after I lost Keith. I finished the photo album/pages for us and kids. They are nice. I showed them to the kids at family home evening. I’m still bleeding, my doctor says it is normal. What does she know. I’m tired of bleeding. We had to change to a flat headstone thanks to the stupid and mean sexton at the cemetery. I’m just frustrated with everything that seems to go wrong. Anyways, I think my husband needs attention. Hope tomorrow is better.
June 17, 2008
Well today is a little better. I heard a quote that touched me immensely it was ‘Some people on dream of angels, I got to hold one May 4, 2008’. Thank you Keithy for coming into my life. I was able to persevere today . I appreciated a call from Mom H today. She reminded me that I guess grief is just like this. That I will have days that will take me back to the first week after loosing you. I wish modern medicine could find a way to speed up grief, it sucks sometimes. I’m just letting the tears fall down on me today. Hey, I found out after a walk last night with Steve, that mosquitos don’t like salty skin, so there is one benefit to crying. Today, just seemed better, so I thought I’d write in my ‘journal of loss’.

The Merkleys Summer 2008

2008-06-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is my first time blogging and I am using this blog for therapeutic reasons then anything else. My sister Sara got me interested in doing this and since she is the computer guru, I can bug her for any questions with blogging, plus any mistakes blame my sis (right Sara).